Agent Red

Wow... where to start... I'm still reeling from the experience of watching this piece of garbage and I think I'm permanently brain damaged after being exposed to it. Words cannot express how terrible this movie is. I don't care how bad that J. Lo movie "Gigli" is, it will not hold a candle to this waste of matter for pure crappiness. Dolph Lundgren is a marine -(who apparently is the only member of the entire US armed forces who can fly a stealth fighter in footage lifted from another crappy Dolph movie)- that must go board a sub in Russia so that some chemical weapon that the Russians stole from the Americans during the cold war can come back to the US. On board is Dolph's "ex-fiance", who aside from looking like a reject from a Ron Jeremy movie, is also possibly the worst actress to ever set foot on the planet. I had to look up this "actress" to see what other suckers have hired her for movies and found out two things.... 1. thankfully, she's not "in demand" and 2. Her shoddy acting is eclipsed only by her amazing spelling; I think her name is "Melanie" but it looks like some sort of indecipherable mumbo jumbo the way it is spelled. Anyway, I'm off track... this movie is pure crap.. not even one of those "watch with your friends after some herbal refreshment" movies... Everything from the recycled (and butchered) storyline of terrorists on a sub, where every possible cliche is used (and screwed up) to the awful performances, to the terrifyingly bad dialogue. This is the kind of movie that I think can be used as a torture device. There is one saving grace though, after watching the performances in this stinker, you'll be appreciating the master thespianism that is one Jean Claude Van Damme.

I rarely comment on movies in this space, but this one was so bad that I felt it my duty to do so. The plot premise is OK, it was just treated with utter lack of and contempt for realism and accuracy. I'm a big fan of military movies, and I just couldn't get past the constant technical gaffes in this film. F-16s and Mirages flown from a US aircraft carrier? The scenes on the "Ohio Class" submarine look like they were filmed in an oil refinery, complete with concrete floors. Much of the footage was stock footage or footage I recognized from other films. I actually turned it off during the final action scene. If you don't know an F-16 from an F-14 or a hot water heater from a missile tube, you might be OK with this. If you do, forget it!

Another Cold War Red-movie, so popular in the 1980ies and 1990ies... And a tough guy in a limited space and time trying to prevent a major disaster and succeeding just before the final countdown, leaving behind tens of kicks, bursts and dead bodies - familiar, isn't it? The plot is very predictable and consequently rather horrible, but thanks to Lundgren the slightly more than 1,5 hours do not pass totally wasted or tediously. There are some funny lines and word plays (however, most of dialogs and events are rather artificially constructed), and even the bad guys are there not for money, but more sublime ideas - overshadowed by revenge, though.

The thrill is not there throughout the movie, but if you have nothing against Lundgren, it is watchable in a male company. Much worse movies have been made!

Yes you negative reviewers heard me right, I Own This film on VHS, I got it from the Blockbuster Bargain bin for $5. Why I injoyed it I'm a Huge Action fan, I own the first 3 American Ninja's and the first No retreat No Surrender as well. I think you should give Dulph Some credit for trying to make a good action piece it's just not everybody's cup of tea that's all, I give it a 4*'s out of 5*'s rating. PS: Don't go near Micheal Duddikoff's Crash Dive if you don't like Agent Red you'd loath it!!!

I rented this DVD as "Agent Red" and maybe someone changed the title hoping someone would be fooled into renting it like I did. I fast forwarded looking for the good parts and didn't find any. The plot holes you could float an aircraft carrier through.

Did you know nuke submarines had concrete floors and walls?

Anyway, to illustrate how bad it is the best acting comes from none other than Randolph Mantooth. What more can I say?