The Last Patrol

The idea for this movie is quite interesting. It could be an interesting science fiction movie set in post apocalyptic world . Unfortunately it's not. From what I've heard the movie makers had very small budget . So small that they struggled to finish this movie . A movie with low budget doesn't necessary has to suck . This one is bad. REALLY BAD.

When you don't have money you can always impress the audience with other things : acting , dialogue , plot … "The Last patrol" is poor not only with production values. It's an action movie with no action ! The first fight happens here after 1 hour and 10 minutes ! That's right . Before Lundgren will hit and kick someone you will have to wait 1 hour and 10 minutes . The last 20 minutes of movie are "intense" – we have one shootout , 5 kicks , 7 punches and 1 explosion (not too impressive) . That's all you get after suffering 1 hour and 10 minutes of boredom. And some pseudo-intellectual dialogue about faith. Admit it – that's not the reason you watch action movie , especially with Dolph Lundgren.

So what's happening before the " big climax" ? Nothing . We are introduced to characters we couldn't care less about . To be honest if it wasn't for Lundgren I would swear I was watching some idiotic comedy . I guess they wanted to make a drama about people trying to survive in a destroyed world . I don't understand why they filled the movie with characters that could easily appear in "Police academy" – the milkman , the dragged couple , the pseudo-Indian , the dumb blonde girl , the macho soldier . There is a big twist involving Lundgren's past – I don't understand what was so traumatic in it . Seriously . I laughed so hard when the movie revealed his big secret . I expected something dark and heartbreaking , while it was all about a … simple talk. One meeting with black woman and children changed his life so much he had nightmares . It feels odd at best.

I have to point three dues ex machine plot solutions – one with the earthquake , second with the explosion and third with the rain. And the magical "saved from the death".

I also have to point that the movie drags all the time . It's boring like HELL . There is no interesting dialogue or good acting. "The Last Patrol" is the definition of words : dull and lifeless. And stupid.

I give it 1/10.

The Last Patrol was one of those movies I forced myself to sit through. On pretty much every level I was left disappointed. The plot, the characters, continuity and the ending.

For some reason I had respect for Dolph but after a flick through his filmography I could only obviously recommend Universal Soldier. He was the only element of this production that offered any attraction but, while he went through the motions pretty well, he was surrounded on all sides by the mediocre and the ridiculous.

I'm sure that some of the scenes could maybe have been reworked and the overall plot could maybe have been dragged into more respectable territory but the characters were, overall, poor. Those who were meant to be funny were just annoying and with the possible exception of McBride, there was a general lack of depth.

I just don't understand how these movies make it to DVD - we're obviously not talking big budget here but where's the quality control guys?

US Army Captain Nick Preston (Dolph Lundgren) is a relic left over from previous wars. He is left in Fort Edenberg, a military junkyard. Then an earthquake measuring 9.5 hits and California is separated from the U.S. Preston, Marine Sergeant Lucky Simcoe and Air Force Captain Sarah McBride are the only survivors on the base. They are joined by a disparate collection of civilians. There is an epidemic called Q Fever. There is a shortage of water. The prisoners at Nanwong have taken over led by Jesus Carrera.

This is a bad B-movie even considering its intent. The apocalyptic world is just cobbled together with random problems. I don't know what a plague has to do with an earthquake. Even a 9.5 wouldn't turn the world into a dystopia. Dolph Lundgren is not the best actor but he tries. There is some action but it's not shot well. This is a low grade B-movie no matter how you add it up.

Dolph Lundgren stars as Nick Preston, a soldier who survives an earth quake that separates California from the US and it is hinted that it was a global earth quake, so we are left pondering if it is only California or the whole world that has entered the apocalypse stage. Anyway there is a prison that survived and the leader looks to take over the world but before he can do so he must fight Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Lundgren is actually not too shabby in his role, he actually delivers a performance that has charisma and likability that is convincing to his character. Also Sherri Alexander isn't too shabby either and their chemistry has a few moments but generally this movie is too dull to be considered all that watchable. The Last Warrior is consistently frustrating because Lundgren will get into a good speech about the world being devastated and Lundgren manages to sell it, however the movie never shifts focus on this plot angle and instead figures to settle on the battle between Lundgren vs the prisoners. This part of the story can work if it has, oh I don't know, Action. The Last Warrior is the worst type of movie that nobody wants to see. It is a plot driven actioner without plot or action. We are left with so many confusing moments (Such as the mutant goats and their mutant owner, a woman who can make it rain and Lundgren rescuing a horse.) Truly this would have been watchable had the action angle or science fiction angle had been explored but because it isn't we are left to watch a sitcom like actioner that will surely disappoint Lundgren fans.

* out of 4-(Bad)

Question. How do you tell when a movie is really bad?

1: The hero is an ex-Green Beret rebelling against the system.

2: It has the hackneyed plotline that the world has ended and only a few exceptional people can save the day. This genre was old when 'Mad Max' rumbled on to the screens, but its still being churned out with ever-decreasing budgets. After all, any wannabe director just needs a camera; a few friends decked out in army surplus, some beat up vehicles and a free weekend in the desert. Add suitably ruined industrial plants and bad acting to taste and you are on the way to video immortality.

The big budget productions feature kickboxing cyborgs.

The Last Patrol has no kickboxing cyborgs.

3: Voiceovers to explain the plot. Studios tack these on after the movie is edited when they realise what a complete hash they have on their hands.. A good movie doesn't need someone bored out of their mind reading lines into a microphone.

Unless they're Humphry Bogart - and he's dead.

4: It has a urine-drinking scene. There is an episode of BlackAdder where they attempt to sail round the world. Things become so desperate they have to drink their own urine. The same thing happens about halfway through The Last Patrol - I was tempted to join in the onscreen misery.

5: When the 'making of' feature and publicity materials don't feature the lead actor. Something happened during the production and they no longer want to be associated with it as it may hurt future work. In retrospect that was a very wise move Mr. Lundgren, possibly a little late, but a good idea none the less.

At this point I should make it clear I like bad movies. there is nothing like a good cheap movie to round off a Friday night. The Last Patrol even starts of promisingly. A massive earthquake (illustrated by spectacular special effects lifted straight out of 'Dante's Peak' hits California. An isolated military base in the high desert is cut off from civilisation. Somehow Dolph Lundgren (playing the part of an ex Green Beret who rebelled against the yadda. yadda.) must keep things together and rebuild civilisation.

At this point the movie takes its inspiration from the plot and everything falls apart.

The scriptwriter had a bad attack of writers' block, reached into the cliché cupboard and grabbed *everything*.

So, the commander is suitably heroic and square jawed. He's suitably macho to handle the action, but in touch with his feminine side when he needs to talk to children. The troops are rebellious, (but never mutinous); there is a bubble-headed useless blonde stripper to get in the way and a power-mad maniac out to take over the world. Would you even believe that there is a gratuitous excuse for a shower scene? Oh you would. you are way ahead of me.

All these characters (and I use the term loosely) are thrown into what passes for a plot featuring shifts in the Earth's axis, genetic mutations, plagues, private prisons and someone in communion with God. (No really!)

If it was a couple of minutes long, The Last Patrol might make an interesting trailer - after all they aren't meant to explain anything. A good trailer makes lots of noise, raises questions about the plot and draws in the audience. At 100 minutes, The Last Patrol is one hell of a long trailer - unless (and this is a scary thought) this is the teaser for an entire series of post apocalyptic fun.

Usually reviews are meant to concentrate on scripting and acting - I can't be that cruel to the cast. They had bad lines and they did a lousy job.

Special effects? Well if you've seen Dante's Peak you've already seen the best of them. The rest is the usual cheap prosthetics left over from the Halloween clearance sale and things exploding for no very good reason.

The producers didn't even choose a very nice piece of desert. In most of these movies you can amuse yourself by looking out for that strange rock where Captain Kirk once fought the lizard man. Not here.

Somehow this mess cost $8.2 million. I'm not sure where the money could have gone. Perhaps they each had a couple of drinks from the hotel minibar?

So is there anything positive to say about The Last Patrol? Ummm. there is a very sweet child who actually doesn't get on your nerves and a golden retriever with a natural talent that shines through and puts everyone else to shame.

Anything else? No not really, I just hope everyone got a good tan in the desert.

Any recommendations? To Mr Lundgren; get a new agent. To the kid; it's not too late to change your name, your secret is safe with me - no one else will ever know that you were in this film. To the rest of the cast; overacting is not the same as acting really hard. To the dog; pick your roles more carefully in future, no one likes failure in Hollywood and you do want to work again.

Final thoughts?

Needs kickboxing cyborgs.