The Vampire Raiders

Yes, it's yet more cut & paste insanity from that stalwart of dementedness, Mr Godfrey Ho (apparently under the pseudonym of Bruce Lambert here). And what does our friend the Ho'ster deliver unto us in this glorious cinematic craptacular?

Well, brace yourselves for here he serves up a unique recipe of cross eyed hopping vampires, a pair of machete and axe wielding navel zombies, a feisty, foxy lady ninja who loves nothing more than a spot of relaxing sunbathing (cue some lovely, lingering shots of her semi nude and oiling herself down.....Mmmmmm!), some eaves dropping hotel switchboard receptionists, a man peeing into a bucket (and subsequently attempting to utilise said urine in zombie combat!) and finally and best of all, an old man crushed to death by the carcass of a pig hurled over the top of a building!!!

Yes indeed, this is absolutely mentally unhinged stuff and a true classic of its kind!

A trio of secretaries get on a boat and are followed by hopping zombies for some reason. A sultry American lady ninja battles ninjas, in a way that has nothing to do with secretaries or zombies.

Like the CLASSIC "Ninja Champion", "Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen" is two films in one. The lady ninja footage is spliced randomly into the horror movie about hopping zombies. They're not related at all... I guess that's why they put a colon between "Vampire Raiders" and "Ninja Queen".

Good watchin'... but if you're reading this, you most likely already saw it. Wasn't it awesome??

A terrible donor movie combined with Ho's hopping vampires and this one is a dud even for Ho. Both the leading lady's left much to be desired in the looks category and the Ninja vampire fighting scenes were getting old by 1988. Just a dog of a movie. Check out Mission Thunderbolt or Lethal Panther if you want a decent Godfrey Ho Z movie. This one is a loser even with a flying pig.

Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen (AKA The Vampire Raiders) is another incredibly daft horror/martial arts mess from prolific director Godfrey Ho (hiding behind the pseudonym Bruce Lambert). While most of Ho's movies are pretty bad, and some are spectacularly dreadful, he occasionally turns out something so insane that it actually proves to be a lot of fun. This is one such film.

The incredibly dumb plot sees three hotel telephonists overhearing conversations between bad guys who are planning to monopolise the hotel industry by any means, including murder. As the trio endeavour to foil the plot, with a little help from a fat friend called Fatty and a fashionista named Alex, members of the purple ninja clan battle the baddies' warriors, the black ninjas and some hopping vampires.

Along the way we are treated to such craziness as an assassination attempt by pig carcass (the dead porker chucked from the roof of a tall building), the fit blonde female red ninja doing a spot of stretching and sunbathing in a bikini (only for her to be interrupted by a vampire hiding underneath her beach towel), numerous cross-eyed people (because that's always hilarious), random ghosts, loads of ninja fighting with coloured paint bombs and fireworks up the sleeve, two boat-hand zombies with stretchy arms, lots of bizarre comedy (including a prolonged scene aboard a boat that features a gag involving the urine of a virgin), purple ninja scuttling along the ground like a beetle and walking up tree trunks, a flying decapitated vampire head that explodes, and a boomerang sword.

All of this bonkers action means that Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen is one of Ho's more entertaining efforts, almost rivalling that classic of craptastic ninja cinema, Ninja Terminator (my favourite Ho film to date, but I still have well over a hundred to go!).

6.5/10, rounded up to 7 for the hilarious line, "Cut on it. Piss on it. S**t on it."

I was twenty minutes or so into this madness when someone threw a dead pig at two ninjas and crushed an old couple to death. The next day it's reported in the news that the pig "was part of an assassination squad" and had "no head for heights", leading one character to say that the strange goings on had something to do with "all those nuclear explosions". Then our heroine read a bible passage that went along the lines of "And God said to Moses, I've got some commandments for you, go get a pen and write them down." At that point I was laughing so much I had to pause the film and go into my kitchen to laugh hysterically. My wife at the time was watching the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.

The plot, whatever that is, I think is about the purple ninjas fighting vampire ninjas for control of the hotel industry, mainly regarding some guy called Mr Benson about whom a receptionist hears conversations about before seeing ghosts and vampires everywhere, none of which is even remotely explained at all. However, you do get to see loads of ninja fights that are truly hilarious, as our chick ninja (who has a lengthy sun tan lotion scene and is attacked by a vampire that cops a feel) goes up against the various vampire ninjas and some guy that seems to get irate when our female ninja and her partner defend themselves (that scene barely made sense at all).

I don't even know if I have to mention this in these reviews any more, but, yes, this is a Godfrey Ho film, and one of his funniest to boot. It's the usual ninja madness tied in with some Chinese horror comedy, which leads to a lengthy scene on a boat where our heroes are stalked by two zombies, which, just as it starts to drag, ends up being as demented as the rest of the film, what with the use of virgin's pish as a weapon and crazy extending arms.

The ubiquitous ninja battle at the end is especially crazy, even by Ho standards, with a purple ninja approaching the battle by skimming along the ground on his face, a vampire detaching its head, which then explodes, and the usual THE END caption to tell you that you can go back to reality.

This is one of Ho's funniest and least offensive films and gets a high recommendation from me, a complete stranger who babbles on about films no one cares about on the internet. Does anyone even read these things?