Thor il conquistatore

After both his parents are brutally murdered by his fathers rival Gnut and his men, the new born Thor is placed in hiding by the the god Teisha. When Thor comes to maturity he goes on a quest to avenge the death of his parents and return peace to his lands.

Thor the Conqueror AKA Thor il conquistatore is directed by Tonino Ricci and is agonisingly one of the bottom of the barrel of the countless Conan the Barbarian cash-ins. Sadly it doesn't hold a candle to the likes of Lucio Fulci's Conquest, Ator or Thorne of Fire. It has nothing to with Thor opening with a low budget zero budget version of Conan's opening. If anything the savage-look seems more One Million Years B. C. (1966), Planet of the Apes TV series (minus the apes) or Tarzan classics. Made in 1983, it feels more 1963.

Unfortunately Ricci is unable to create any sort of atmosphere or visual interest on the backdrop of the beautiful scenery, it suffers from the usual quality issues, poor sound design, editing and clunky staging. Possibly due to the budget, Ricci appears to set this so far in the past that this flat bland approach allows there to be little if any sets.

Luigi Mezzanotte plays Etna, the Owl (as Christopher Holm) who pops up like Richard O'Brien, oddly narrating now and again as Thor and Sheeba aimlessly fight cannibals, also warrior soldiers, slashing, axing, decapitating heads as they walk the lands. It sounds better than it is. Even familiar Italian actors including Raf Baldassarre as Gnut who gives a larger than life performance or underused Malisa Longo can't lift Tito Carpi's bare bones story and screenplay. Blinded at one point, still nothing can stop long hair model-like Bruno Minnit's Thor, not even snakes or horses from getting his magic sword. The stunning Maria Romano Sheeba, the slave is notable but sadly gets little to do. Actually Romano is one of the few redeeming features of Ricci's offering.

All things considered, it's barebones at best. Yet again, the poster art is far superior than the film.

If you think you saw every bad movie in the world - this turkey is worse.

It´s the "new" story of a guy named Thor whose parents got killed by a bad guy named Gunt in the beginning. With the aid of a strange magician (who transformes into a Owl from time to time) he grows up to be a great warrior. But first he has to find a magic sword (yawn), kill hordes of bad looking cannibals and learn to make love (just kisses are allowed here).

The whole pic was shot in a small forest, the only buildings (sort of) are three strawhuts which stand in for a village and a cave which hides the sword.

To name the performances "acting" would be unfair to any school-theatre-group, to call the work of the director "directing" would be against any good taste. But the worst of all are the "fight-scenes" and there many of them in this stinker.

Don´t rent it - ignore it, and if you see it through any bad coincidence - wash your eyes and try to forget this wasted time. It´s not even so bad its good - trust me

Okay I often watch barbarian films and try and empathise with the lead character. Primal, base and violent. However after watching this movie I found I couldn't even relate to the lead character.

Firstly the lead, Thor, is shot as a baby, yet survives. Okay he must be well hard, but why is this never referred to? Secondly he is accompanied by a camp "Birdman" who says he cannot follow Thor, yet is always there, especially when our "Hero" is about to have sex.

Oh yes, our "hero" he kills women, rapes them, steals, kills. And we are suppose to feel sorry for him when he is blinded?

Oh year and I thought maybe if the sword turned into the snake, the snake might transform into the sword, no that would be daft.

Another bad point is this film refused to end when we shouted "END!" at the TV.

THis film is tosh, but I will leave you with the line "In centuries to come it will be called horse", I mean... what is it called now?

2 out of Ten

Jake "The Jiggybeast" Roberts

I really can't add anything that hasn't been said already. Being a connoisseur of bad sword and sorcery garbage image my dismay when I stumbled upon this cinematic masterpiece. I laced up my boots and set out to find this gem. Many seconds passed when with a couple of clicks of my mouse this elusive jewel was mine.

As I eagerly awaited it's arrival, anticipation built to levels of which I had never experienced. Finally the sparkling gem was I my hands. I immediately placed it ever so carefully into my player and the end of my journey was almost complete. 85 minutes later I took a deep breath and sat silently as the credits rolled.

What an absolute piece of sword and sorcery garbage. I really can't think of any redeeming qualities this has other than it has to be seen to be believed. Cinematic gold.

This low-budget Italian "Conan"-imitation can perfectly be summarized in one simple word: unendurable! Even if you have, like myself, a soft spot for kitschy fantasy-cinema, this movie is just a very painful viewing experience and, on more than one occasion, you'll be wondering why the hell you're wasting 85 precious minutes of your life with watching crap like this. Thor is a fascinating Northern deity and there haven't been too many movies made about him, which makes it all the more regrettable to see this one is so damn poor. Barely a few minutes after his birth, Thor's parents are slaughtered by savages and the almighty God Teisha becomes his guardian. This out-of-date God constantly switches from his human shape into an owl and he teaches Thor some very valuable (!) life-lessons, such as "Women are stupid", "Women must obey their men" and "Don't be so gentle with females". Great, now I know why my girlfriend doesn't watch this type of films...And she's right, too! Anyway, once Thor is a muscular warrior who lost his virginity (apparently, that's important), Teisha sends him away on a long and dangerous conquest to avenge his dead father. Teisha himself claims to be too old for the journey, yet he stays around to supply the film with completely unnecessary narrative information. Although clearly part of the vivid "Sword & Sorcery" sub genre, this movie is incomprehensibly boring! Even the battle sequences are insipid and thoroughly unexciting. There's obviously also something very wrong when you, the viewer, cheer at the top of your voice when the "hero" is blinded by his enemies... You're supposed to choose the side of Thor, yet you couldn't feel less connected with his character! He can barely talk in sentences! The few visual effects (near the beginning) are embarrassing and there's almost no on screen bloodshed or sleaze. It's pretty obvious to see why director Tonino Ricci never earned the same respectable status as fellow Italian directors like Lucio Fulci, Ruggero Deodato or Sergio Martino. As well as his previous "Baktérion", this movies utter utter crap!