Teenage Space Vampires

This is one of the worst movies I've seen in my life. If you're looking for a nice theatrical effect, skip it and watch something else.

But if you're looking for camp-value, this is it. Here's my advice: Gather a few sarcastic friends and watch the movie strictly for the purpose of making fun of it.

This is a movie that was probably made to entertain the middle school, early high school age kids. Maybe to them it's funny, they may possibly even see something scary in it. To me, the acting is poor, and plot is poor, there's just not much value at all for the adult viewer. I saw this film as weak and boring. At times there was the possibility that the movie could become interesting but it never really materialized. The creatures look pretty good but after seeing them for a few seconds, they don't seem to have any substance other than the look. At times I wasn't sure if the movie was trying to make another attempt at comedy or was it just another attempt at horror that failed again. This movie just wasn't good for me.

This movie's only redeeming factor was the fact that it was on TV for free, and that it probably helped the Romanian economy. Other than that, Hallmark needs to re-evaluate this division of their empire, and maybe keep their movies more oriented towards bizarre love affairs between cancer-stricken hemophiliacs in Mississippi. To go into details about how mindless this movie is would give credit to it for being memorable. It wasn't. I remember the act of watching it, there being vampires (some of them teenage) and some very bad dubbing. Whoever worked on the dubbing track of this movie needs to be relocated to another sector of society...maybe food service, to the deaf. If you have the opportunity, watch this movie, just because it makes so many other really bad movies seem Oscar-worthy in retrospect. Then again, if you actually ended up at this movie's profile, I imagine that it may be too late...

Classic Full Moon trash. It's like Lifeforce meets Independence Day meets Dazed and Confused. Vampire aliens want to shut off the sun, or something, and it's up to our band of worthless high schoolers who look like they're in their early 30s to stop this nefarious scheme. I'm only giving it 6 stars for audacity. The production quality is exactly what it deserves to be (mediocre) and it doesn't really accomplish anything over the course of the plot. The alien/vampire monsters looked...OK? I dunno. They had decent makeup and costumes, so that's good. This may have been one of the last classic Full Moon movies. I had a hard time finding this because the version I watched was under the title Darkness, for some reason.

Teenage Space Vampires, in my opinion, is a boring, godawful slog. Cheesy plot, cheesy costumes, cheesy fake teeth, cheesy '90s CGI, cheesy obvious ADR.

This might, *might* have been at least entertainingly bad if only the characters in it had any semblance of a personality. Just about every character in this movie is more or less a pile of gray mush stacked high and dressed in stereotypical '90s garb, even the main characters-ESPECIALLY the main characters. I can barely remember their names, let alone any of their defining traits outside of one of them having horrible bleached hair.

The only thing close to an honest-to-goodness character that this movie has is a grumpy middle-aged neighbor lady with a thick Romanian accent. She's bugged 'cause her paper never gets delivered on time. She looks like Nathan Lane in drag and she sounds like Maria Ouspenskaya on Quaaludes. You can't miss her. And when she's not on screen, you won't.

Now, I am not averse to wasting my time on crappy movies. Crappy movies sometimes have some redeeming value. This movie had none. It has nothing, period. I couldn't even get angry at it, it was so bland. I hate it because there's nothing good enough in it to like and nothing bad enough in it to either bemuse or offend me.

This movie has no worth to me. It's not even worth a proper, well-thought-out review. All it deserves is this: pbbbbbt! I want the time I wasted on this movie back, damn it!