Plutonium Baby

IT'S ALIVE?!?! No, wait a minute! It's a complete overhaul of a mess! For what lost cause does this corny title make any good sense? Made and shot at a VERY miniscule budget, there's no secret why PLUTONIUM BABY carries one useless scene after another, and later on, things can only get worse until the bitter end! It has killings and all the more, and for so much less out of all its vital functions needed to sustain life. Not even our contaminated killer can suck on a milk bottle, nor fit in the cradle! Keep your eyes peeled for a wild and savage rabbit that is worth the entire movie alone. Never has it been so difficult to find tons of ultra-cheapie horror movies waiting for the eyes and ears of this weird world. This makes the perfect "schlock" experience that's uncommonly rare (also try watching REVENGE OF THE RADIOACTIVE REPORTER). Just who is Patrick Molloy, and what's he up to now?

I was on my weekly trip to the video rental place down the street, where I normally rent about 5 mindless horror films a week, when I saw the case of "Plutonium Baby". I thought it looked rather amusing, so my friends and I rented it. I have seen "Leprechaun", I have seen "Leviathan" and I have seen "Lifeforce". I have seen "Pod People (Los Nuevos Extraterrestrios)", I have seen "Mitchell" and "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman". I have seen films of a quality so low that the average viewer would lose their faith in humanity. The foul abomination "Plutonium Baby" makes them look like "Citizen Kane". The longest scene in this film was the sex scene between the title character, named David if I recall correctly, and his wife. I sat through the entire film, and I still don't know what was supposed to have happened. The plot was unintelligible. The effects were sickeningly bad. There was even one radiation warped creature that my friends and I mistook for a muppet at first. The dialogue was also abomidable. I believe this is the only film in which an actor actually uttered the phrase "Don't pay any attention to that radioactive symbol, just put your beer in there." I would not have sat through the whole thing if my friends had not restrained me, and I reccomend that you locate every copy of this film that you can, and burn it.

To grasp the concept of eternity, you don't need to know about mountains of diamond and tiny birds pecking at them till they wear down to a nubbin. All you need to do is sit down with Plutonium Baby, a pot of coffee, and a fresh package of $1.29 oatmeal cookies, and, trust me, you'll experience eternity. The coffee will be nothing but a stain in your cup, the oatmeal cookies will be nothing but crumbs, and Plutonium Baby will STILL be slowly, patiently, remorselessly unreeling on your screen.

Characters wander onto the set, they wander off, things happen, a whole new movie starts about two-thirds of the way into the tape; yes, there's a radioactive Muppet Baby, yes, there's people preserved in drums of radioactive waste for a decade, yes, some doof decides he just has to use a drum of radioactive waste for a beer cooler, yes, at one point there's three unrelated parties of armed men wandering around in the Jersey woods looking for the Nuclear Kid. But you just don't care. You can't make yourself care.

I'm told there's a bet that you can't lose, no matter how drunk the individuals involved are: simply bet a guy any amount of money he can't eat a pound of butter in an hour, and keep it all down. In the same vein, I'd almost be willing to bet that a sane person could not sit, unrestrained, in a metal folding chair in front of Plutonium Baby and watch the whole thing straight through without falling asleep or getting up to purge.

I'd like to watch it again and see if I could isolate the elements that make this hog so completely unwatchable, but no force on earth could make me go through this a second time.

There aren't enough derogatory expletives in the dictionary to hurl at this brimming bucket of fetid pond scum...PLUTONIUM BABY is swerve-driving, disorderly chicken-scratch which denotes a backwoods codger fostering his grandson when illegally dumped toxic waste turns the boy's mother into a mutant. Following the murder of both his mutated mom and grand-dad by some shady government suits, the orphaned boy is swept off to Manhattan. Years later, he is stalked with vengeful contempt by one of the killers, now a toxic mutant himself.

There's far more nonsense going on in the story than I have bothered to mention, but the matter is too trivial to justify callousing my fingertips on the keypad with further annotation.

A wriggling pinworm in the ass of horror cinema. Avoid. 2/10

Ray Hirschman's "Plutonium Baby" has to be one of the worst pieces of garbage I have ever seen.This film is awful in every department.The script is idiotic beyond belief,the direction is horrible and the acting is incredibly bad.There is some gore,but the special effects are so inept that you'll scratch your head in a total disbelief.The plot is as follows:Dr.Drake and his team of scientists are performing grotesque and illegal experiments involving plutonium's effect on pregnant women.The day Danny was born,Dr.Drake and his minions go too far in their experiments and kill Danny's mother.Fortunately Danny is saved while the callous doctors bury Emily's body in a toxic waste container.Twelve years passed and suddenly Danny's nightmare is relieved when Drake resurfaces to stalk and kill Danny.When the doctor moves in for the kill,a hideously deformed and mutated Emily awakens inside the earth's core and returns to rescue her son.Anyway,"Plutonium Baby" is truly painful to watch.It's definitely one of most stupid horror films ever made.Avoid this cheap load of crap like the plague.1 out of 10.