Turkey Television

Four score and several years ago, we're talking pre-TV, Thurman Turkey strolled along the shores to see what he could see. He sniffed the flowers, felt the breezes, thought a thought or two; as he was quoted later, "There's nothing left to do." Well one day ol' Thurman Turkey showed up missing from the flock. He slipped the Magna Carta where he was first on Plymoth Rock... [continues, this is all from memory] I loved this show!

I used to watch this show when I was a kid. After all these years, it's hard to remember much about it now. I'm really surprised there was someone out there who remembered most of the theme song.

Two skits stick out in my mind.

The first was about an old man, Uncle Hogan, who made up all these phony stories he would tell kids. It typically ran like this:

Woman singing: It's time for Uncle Hogan Old man: Wanna hear a story, kids? Kids (in unison): No, Uncle Hogan! Old man: I knew you would. (proceeds to tell a completely unbelievable story about how he saved the world) Old man: Do you believe me kids? Kids (in unison): No, Uncle Hogan! Old man: I knew you would. Continues like this...then at the end) Woman singing: Say goodbye to Uncle Hogan, the biggest liar of all! Old man: I heard that.

The second was this guy who painted a face on his hand--he painted eyes on his index finger, and his thumb was the mouth. He would always start out with some friendly conversation with his painted hand (Pippi, if I recall), then it would turn into something demented. The typical skit ran something like this.

Man: Have you ever been swimming before? Pippi: No, I don't much care for the water Man: How bout we go for a little swim today? Pippi: Actually I'd rather not (Man pulls out a bucket of water and dunks the hand in it) Pippi: Aaaaaahh!

Anyone remember these skits?

"Turkey Television" was a comedy show on Nickelodeon from the mid 1980s. I watched this religiously as a kid, along with "Out of Control" and "You Can't Do That On Television". Each episode was a collection of miscellaneous short comedy segments. There was an exact number of clips they'd use in each episode; I think it was 45. Each clip would start off with subtitles at the bottom, letting you know who did it. Actor/singer Meatloaf did a few promos for them, including one where he impersonated a turkey.

There were some sources they'd pull more frequently than others, but it was a diverse collection none the less. You'd see short wordless cartoon clips (many from Germany), novelty song music videos, samples from British comedy shows like "The Pink Medicine Show", independent short films, the bad advice columnist "Dr. Joyce Brothers", gross-out food comedian "Eddie Slobbo" (these last two of which I've never seen anywhere else), stand-up comedy, and other assorted oddities.

As for the clips, they were sometimes a hit or miss, really. Naturally everything had to be clean for Nickelodeon. But they did find some truly funny stuff. Early stand-up material from Dana Carvey was not uncommon. There were also some skits where he played a sadistic German-accented dentist. Turkey TV even managed to squeeze in some George Carlin, like his "idiots and maniacs" rant on driving.

It's been 20 years since I've seen an episode, but I can still remember a lot of the clips vividly. I don't know if anybody in recent years has built a TV show on this same principle of source variety, but somebody should. As an adult, I now host my own comedy clip show on the radio, and although I've idolized many different comedians over the years, I do have to wonder if some of the inspiration for my show can be traced back to Turkey Television.

Turkey Television was a spin-off of the hugely popular "You Can't Do That on Television," another Canadian show from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Turkey Television or Turkey TV didn't last as long as it could have been. They would take skits, cartoons, and sketches that featured popular Christine McGlade and other alums of "You Can't Do That on Television" but without the green slime. Turkey Television was fine but it wasn't great as I remembered it. I don't miss it as much as I miss "You Can't Do That on Television" because there was really no cast of regular characters. The sketches and cartoons if I remember came from all over the world. They allowed cartoons and sketches and skits that the audience wouldn't normally see without it on Turkey Television. We could use some Turkey Television today with the increased animation industry and computer generated cartoons that we can watch and enjoy whether we are kids or adults.

For those of you who are fans, you know that various stand-up comics performed on "Turkey TV." Dana Carvey was one of them and he did a hilariously funny pre-Garth impression. Glasses and all. Too bad they don't show re-runs anymore...