Armstrong

This movie is hilarious. The plot is laughable, and the seriousness that the characters can maintain is incredible! This movie was honestly one of the worst movies i have ever seen, if just because of how serious it tries to be. I'd like to say there is a strong point in this movie... maybe its the comedy

Not recommended unless you are verrrry easily amused.

This is a cheesy as it get. Horrible acting. Bored extras. Low speed auto chases. Gunfights with hand grenades in a small apartment that doesn't damage the dry wall....that or the walls heal themselves.

Set in Russia but filmed in Bulgaria or one of those other countries, Armstrong is a retired SEAL. Somehow he gets involved with unrepentant Commies who want to steal a nuke....or maybe not. It's hard to say. It is so bad you'll laugh so hard you'll forget the plot.

Maybe because either the plot is so forgettable or it doesn't really have one. Please do yourself a favor, watch it.

It isn't quite at good as the great Sam Elliott movie Frogs, but it is still breathtakingly horrible.

Even for a Menahem Golan film, this one is REALLY BAD. Horribly written dialogs are reminiscent of porn films. Kimberley Kates' acting is terrible (although, with such bad script and obviously no directing, it is hard to blame her for just going through the moves). The same applies to Frank Zagarino's acting, which is just a tiny tad better than his co-star's. One-take scenes are just slapped together. If you watch it as a cold-war-movie parody, you might actually get a laugh or two. Otherwise, use the two hours of your life doing something else (pretty much anything, like cleaning the basement, will be better than watching this).

Direct to video action flick king, Frank Zagarino stars as the eponymous hero in this fairly entertaining outing set amidst the scenic splendour of Moscow.

Although sadly not containing nearly as much action as I might have liked this nonetheless serves as a pretty good way to spend ninety or so minutes and includes a great assembled cast of recognisable faces including Richard Lynch, Joe Lara and Charles Napier, some good stunt work, an entirely exploitative nude shower scene featuring a particularly HOT woman and the requisite, satisfying explosive finale. Special mention must go to Lara who portrays a decidedly suave Mafia leader and who furthermore gets all the best lines in the film!

Best scene? Another reviewer summed it up perfectly; Our hero jumps through the upper story window of his apartment to avoid a grenade and mysteriously loses all his hair on the way down only to miraculously regrow it upon landing safely upon the roof of a conveniently parked van(!!!) Well, I know that this was apparently filmed on a low budget but you'd think that someone would have at least forked out some cash on a wig for the stuntman eh?

Charles Napier plays Robert Zorkin, a man who travels to Russia with his wife Susan (Kates), supposedly for a vacation. But it turns out he has a VHS tape that shows the Russians dealing in nuclear warheads with the mob. It seems Zorkin was the mentor to one "Rod Armstrong" (Zagarino). Armstrong is an ex-Navy SEAL who now trains people in Russia and is "very expensive". Joe Lara, appropriately enough, plays "Ponytail", the head of the gangsters who is menacing everyone in sight, not the least of which is Susan, who he chases all over Russia. Richard Lynch is the Russian General Zukov, who is a major part of the insanity. Will Rod Armstrong be able to stop the gangsters and evil Russians from stealing the nukes and perhaps launching them, and save the kidnapped Susan in the process? I know action movies don't have to be intelligent, but Armstrong is just so dumb it's really unbelievable. Zagarino usually brings the dumb, and here is no exception. In fact, if anything, he's outdone himself in the dumb department. He's beyond wooden. Rod Armstrong is stupid, unlikable, arrogant and annoying, and he usually has some sort of "shirt problem". Either his shirt is ripped, comes off, becomes unbuttoned, or he just plain forgets to wear one. It seems the filmmakers wanted very badly for him to be Dolph Lundgren, as his hair, makeup, and what's left of his outfits strongly recall Dolph. But Zagarino is not Dolph. Not by a long shot. Also he has numerous pictures of himself on his wall. Armstrong makes Project: Shadowchaser (1992) look like a masterpiece.

One of the better things about Armstrong is its cast of familiar faces. Joe Lara goes over the top as Ponytail, but his unfinished beard really left a sense of incompleteness in the viewer's hearts. He resembles a mid-90's Dennis Miller. We liked him better as the good guy in such films as American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993) and Hologram Man (1995). Napier gets slightly more screen time here than in Center of the Web (1992), and he even gets to do some "Napier-Fu", but the extreme sweatiness is unpleasant. Kimberley Kates was a great choice for the eye candy, and Richard Lynch proves he's the most versatile guy in DTV cinema, here living it up as a drunken, carousing Russian military general, the next day playing an Italian gangster with aplomb.

But sadly, try as they might, even the mightiest DTV cast cannot overcome the inanity of Armstrong. Whoever wrote the dialogue, you'd think they would be satisfied by the fact that is completely mind-numbing, but no, it's incredibly repetitive too! Many things are said more than once. I don't know which is worse, if it was unintentional, or if they were so proud of their great writing, the writer thought we should hear it multiple times. Or they could have assumed their audience is just stupid. Big mistake. The dialogue alone detracts major points from Armstrong.

Because of the dialogue and dumbness, not to mention how irritating Rod Armstrong is, almost in a Sloane (1984) sort of way, you really don't care about the characters and situations. Add to that a jumbled and unclear plot and you have a serious mess on your hands. Perhaps the ultimate "turn off your brain" movie, unless you are a die hard fan of any of the actors here or DTV movies themselves, it might be wise to steer clear of Armstrong.

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