King Cobra

30 feet of pure terror! So proclaims the jacket ad. The monster snake is actually a Cobra-Rattlesnake creation, the result of genetic tinkering. After the obligatory lab explosion, it escapes and settles down in a small rural town to make life hectic for the hicks, who call in snake-expert Pat Morita (from Happy Days and the "Karate Kid" movies). This flic is rather low-budget and must have went direct-to-video. I'm not really sure how much of it is unintentionally funny or tongue-in-cheek (especially the climactic battle between Morita & the Monster, who, by the way, is named Seth). But, it comes off as entertaining in a goofy, lopsided manner, hearkening back to all those monster flics of the 1950s (and the 1970s, come to think of it). There weren't that many giant snake movies back then, however, instead mostly giant insects and an occasional lizard. Then we got "Anaconda" in '97 and the rest is history - the Sci-Fi Channel has a sub genre load of these by now. The snake-monster itself in "King Cobra" is fairly well executed, showing that even with a very low budget, FX can be done in a reasonable fashion these days. Lucky us.

Okay. "Battlefield Earth" is nothing compared to this. This is, hands down, the worst movie I have ever, EVER seen. I saw it on HBO in the middle of the day when I was home sick, and this movie just made it worse. But, like a terrible car accident, I couldn't look away. The town in the film is home to a fledgling brewery that could spell an economic turnaround for the small hamlet, if its opening day "Brewfest" is a success. But, a giant cobra has escaped from a nearby lab and could kill everyone if authorities don't take the advice of the cute lady cop and her doctor boyfriend. Believe it or not, the stubborn mayor JUST WON'T LISTEN! You can guess the rest. Some observations:

1) Erik Estrada's performance as a gay man was the very worst acting I have ever seen in any movie. I'm talking Ed Wood level acting here. I kept getting the feeling that he was uncomfortable playing a a gay man; maybe he's got too much "machismo" in his Latin blood for that. His lisp, his "little dog," his "gay walk," his constantly checking out men's rears. Yikes!

2) The dad from "Gremlins" played the mayor of the town who, darnit, just won't listen when he's warned about the snake. He can't stop the town's beer festival! The economic future of every citizen is riding on it! Predictable results.

3) The young doctor. Hoo boy. The young doctor. Don't quit your day job, Mr. Forgettable, Stilted, Anonymous actor.

4) The lady cop. Ditto.

5) The snake was funny. A cobra with a rattle.

Not to mention all the racist stereotypes and idiotic dialogue. Don't see this. No, wait! See this! It's actually pretty funny!

Grade: F-

Things to look for: the sets, the look on the cobra's face, the woodchopping scene that goes on MUCH too long, the two Latin lovers in the woods (what ARE they saying?), Erik Estrada.

What makes KING COBRA a step above your typical direct to video B horror film? Well, (I hate to say it)the ending is downright thrilling.....not giving away any details but the confrontation between Pat Morita's herpetologist/snake wrangler character and the giant cross-breeded snake is a great showdown...leading to the main characters (local policewoman and doctor who happen to be dating)last ditch effort to destroy the snake. Do not rent this film expecting JAWS. However, every now and then a subpar film rolls along teetering between a * and ** rating until the last half hour pushes into a respectable ** and a half star rating. KING COBRA is one such film. (then again the drop kick scene may very well be worth the price of rental...) Gore fans may be disappointed due to its PG-13 rating and its reliance on "appear from behind" scares...go into this accepting its low budget and you should be ok

King Cobra

I didn't know this was a sequel to the 1997 sleeper "Anaconda" until I looked it up on IMDb. Needless to say, it's worse than the original.

"The Karate Kid" star Pat Morita (yeah, the Chinese guy) stars as a snake hunter who must track down a genetically-altered King Cobra python-whatever when it escapes its super-duper high tech prison: a tin cage. Wow, the government must really be cutting down on containment these days. Anyway, Pat goes after the snake with the help of Scott Hillenbrand (also co-director of this journey) and Casey Fallo, who do, of course, fall in love and kiss right after a snake is about to chomp their heads off. But that's okay - it's in the script.

There are countless things in this film that are truly laughable, including the scene where Pat Morita tells Hillenbrand that he injects himself with snake venom to acquire an immunity to it. You can see the regret in Pat's eyes. He knows this is a stinky movie, and he hates having to say what he's saying. He's been around in the Hollywood circuit long enough to know that saying that kind of thing can get a film - and an actor - killed. But directors can be very picky about their films. I just thought of something that rhymes with `picky,' as well.

Pat Morita is in the low-point of his career. Actually, let's face it: He doesn't have a career. He got lucky off a few `Karate Kid' movies, and his fame disappeared instantaneously. He tried to get back in the acting showbiz with `The Next Karate Kid,' but his plan backfired, and his apprentice in the film became the one to gain worldwide recognition AND an Oscar (Hilary Swank). Too bad for Pat.

Scott Hillenbrand is like scraping the bottom of the barrel. His acting talent is niltch. He can't direct or act, which leaves me to wonder...how did he get his big break? I can't imagine he gained anything from the 1997 thriller `Hostile Takeover'.

David Hillenbrand, Scott's brother, is the other co-director of this film. And quite frankly, they both share the family gene specialty, which is being manager at a McDonald's somewhere out in Oklahoma. That's their specialty, and they should stick to it.

Saying this movie is bad is like saying "Anaconda" was sort of bad. The original was awful enough, but this sinks even lower in the depths than the original.

Sure, it's great for a Friday or Saturday night when you've got nothing else to do. But in all honestly, I'd rather waste 93 minutes of my life on something good than something below-average, even if it has a campy quality to it (and not much at that!).

Worth avoiding at all costs. Well, almost all costs. It's hard to keep a straight face when Morita says he injects himself with snake poison. What a pathetic way to make the hero immune to venom. B-A-D is written all over this straight-to-video flop.

0/5 Stars -

John Ulmer

1) You can survive an explosion straight to your face and only suffer from a missing eye.

2) The "African King Cobra" exists, even if king cobras only live in Asia.

3) Aggression makes things bigger.

4) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can spit venom, even if both species are incapable of doing so.

5) Rattlesnakes rattle when they're hunting. Screw being silent.

6) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can make Jurassic Park Raptor noises.

7) Bullets do not affect a king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid at all.

8) A beer festival is way too important to mind the lives of innocent civilians.

9) Never trust people from you snake-hunting team, as they might mistake sleeping gas for toxic gas.

10) Expect the unexpected.