- Jerry Stahl: [Narrating] People always ask, "What's the worst thing heroin drove you to do?". I always answer, "showing up on Maury."
- Jerry: [Narrating] That's the trouble with surviving, at the end of the day rolling into a PTA potluck dinner or paying the gas bill can be more terrifying than the worst 3AM narcotic hell, but what do I know? I got out with a bad liver and enough debt to keep me in hock until I'm ninety, if I'm still here and with my luck I will be
- Dita: Aw, Jerry, you didn't have to do that.
- Jerry: No that's all right, I'm Jewish, I never get to do this kind of stuff.
- Dita's son: You never had a Christmas tree? Why?
- Jerry: Busy.
- Allen from Mr. Chompers: Jerry, let me in, will you . Come on. Open the door.
- Jerry: Mr. Chompers.