Dead Men Can't Dance

You should know that direct-to-DVD movies about the military are going to be full of tired cliché's. This one put just about every single one I can think of in the mix.

Kathleen York has an Oscar nomination for Crash, but it is for the music. Stick to that because we don't need another G.I. Jane. especially one that gets a Ranger badge just for being slapped a couple of times.

Michael Biehn (Aliens, The Terminator) was her love interest and probably the best thing about this flick. At least he appeared to know something about being military.

R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) made an excellent slimy Senator, and I always enjoy Grace Zabriskie ("Big Love").

I guess there is a good reason I have not seen anything before this that was directed by Stephen Milburn Anderson or written by Paul Sinor. It is not likely that I ever will except by accident.

I caught this movie on television on a Saturday afternoon and the thing that caught my eye was the "artistic license" taken on military details. While I know that movies require a certain suspension of disbelief, I was aghast by the aggregious inaccuracies in this movie. The movie depicts a squad of female Army Rangers on a covert mission inside of North Korea. While there is no such thing as female Rangers in the US Army, I would be able to overlook that little detail if it were not for the fact that they looked absolutely silly in a hodge-podge of military acoutrements that they were forced to wear. The costume person on this one should be ashamed of themselves. How much time, effort, or money does it take to research the basics of military uniform? From the Ranger tabs sewn onto their black berets, to their camoflauge t-shirts. I honestly thought this movie was a comedy at first. I was shocked to see Michael Biehn and R. Lee Ermey in this. You would think that both would have insisted on a certain degree of accuracy.

Okay, yes, this wasn't exactly a high power movie. My impression is that this was originally considered as an answer to G.I. Jane, but with the star power in a strange side story that really had little to do with the main character, other than adding a love interest and some mental anguish.

The fight scenes are fairly contrived, true. The degree of realism is less than believable. And if you can distract an Army Ranger from his assigned guard duty with a cable hack of "Dirty Dancing", then our military is in serious danger. And, if the military (at the supposed time of the movie) hasn't trained any female Rangers, then where did we get the female drill sergeant that runs them through the training? On the other hand, this is a movie with Michael Biehn and Adrian Paul that didn't get any coverage in movie trailers, and is likely only to be shown on the late late night movie when the regularly scheduled Brian Bosworth movie doesn't show up. If you're a fan of either of these actors, and are only looking for a movie with the two of them, then this isn't so terrible. I got my copy from a used book store, and have to agree that it was the cover that got my attention. Both Biehn and Paul have the best scenes and dialogs out of the cast. (If nothing else, Paul's pick-up line involving "Mr. Happy" is one of his better moments.) It does play shamelessly with bits from other movies, including what appears to be a co-ed shower that almost smacks of the "Starship Troopers" scene.

I would have to say that this isn't the worst movie I've seen. See this movie with an open mind and a willing suspension of disbelief. Or, find yourself a good movie editing system, and remove all other sections of the movie that don't involve Biehn and Paul. It will probably make about the same amount of sense.

I won't say this is the *worst* movie I've ever seen but it comes extremely close.

The heroine - discharged from her military assignment with the CIA - is given a chance to join a co-ed group of Army Rangers trainees by her female Brigadier General commander. Her group goes through such brutal training as having to poop their pants and stand in a pond. Her SERE training consists of having her shirt torn open, getting slapped and being shocked on her clothed thigh with a cattle prod immediately before she is congratulated on her ability to withstand this brief encounter and welcomed as a new Ranger.

For some reason there is an attempt at inserting a love interest in this movie. I really don't know why. Maybe there were plans for nudity which were later abandoned. Probably because there was no interest in seeing any of the actresses nude.

Other than the repeated scenes of the guys playing around with the tampon machine in the co-ed shower - where everyone is always fully clothed - the highlights consist of women in totally unbelievable combat scenes rescuing male soldiers. Wait... I remember some crying... And something about one of the male soldiers betraying his comrades...

Feel lucky if you miss this movie.

I was totally sucked in by the video cover.

I love movies about small unit warfare (Sniper, 84 Charlie Mopic, Platoon even) and a movie starring Michael Biehn (Navy Seals) couldn't be totally rock bottom, even for a video rental? No such luck, though. Instead of being a movie of a small unit stuck behind the lines, it turns into a "we're going to prove women soldiers are just as good as men, and we're going to prove it in North Korea" howler come exploitation movie - except there are no decent shower scenes.

Watch the great R. Lee Ermey wasted in a throw away role. Watch Hiep Thi Lay (Heaven And Earth) go through 'Nam flashbacks when faced with a concrete cylinder "tunnel" (people, she's a girl going through Ranger training, how old is she supposed to be in this - 35? 45?).

All I can say is that the producers of this junk should be fragged.

Why, you ask? I'll tell you why.

It's because "Dead Men Can't Dance".

Alex