Santa with Muscles

Is to use any and all copies of this film as Yule Logs, though it would likely leave a lingering stench for weeks to come. Everyone has summed up this film pretty accurately; it makes the Christmas turkey that Scrooge bought for Bob Crachit look like a spring chicken. The film stars that great thespian Hulk Hogan. He has made some pretty awful films, but even he should have used an alias for this one. Not to be missed is his costume, which is pure Village People Santa (it's a shame they didn't record a song about the holiday joy of sitting on Santa with Muscle's lap). Granted, I am not a geologist, but any crystals that have the ability to explode if barely jostled can be used for sword fights later on in the film, well, your script editors have some continuity issues. Remember the old saying, that if you put 1000 monkeys into a room with 1000 typewriters, that one of them will eventually write Shakespeare? They might not get to Shakespeare, but this film is evidence that they will churn out a steaming pile of reindeer crap. If you truly want to spread Christmas cheer, get yourself a caroling book and a few friends and hit the streets. The only thing this film is good for is as a substitute for coal in a Christmas stocking.

The problem with Hulk Hogan as an actor is that, while he's not Brando, he has his moments where he's okay. That said, all he seems to lend his name to is rubbish children's movies. The only serious thing he seems to have done is Rocky III (you be the judge of how serious that is). This is the ultimate example of that children's movie crap. Hogan is a wealthy man who loses his memory and somehow thinks he is Santa. He is taken in by an orphanage, who are trying to stop some villain doing something. Seriously, that's how forgettable this film is. The acting is poor. Hulk manages to lay some cool smackdown, but then again, so does Jean Claude. The children are all that breed of little goof ball's trying to be cute. Ed Begley Jr is just unnecessary. Many people have a real hatred towards Christmas movies. Of course, they can't all be Bad Santa, the Santa Clause, The Nightmare Before Christmas or the all time great, It's A Wonderful Life. But this is just lazy. Considering Hogan's potential for cool, violent films, this just wastes the most awesome wrestler ever. Just like everything else. I can't give it a one, but it's certainly not worth a passing grade. It's just dosh.

One word: FORGETTABLE! That's it! Its best use is a substitute for a lump of coal in your stocking! Angry Johnny would thank Santa for it, and because he's been a naughty boy all his life! Don't let this be next year's X-mas present under your tree!!!

Okay, first things first. Upon renting or viewing any Hulk Hogan movie, one should never set their sights very high. You have the constants of bad acting, senseless and cartoonish violence, and groan-worthy puns. You can also pretty much expect a super-contrived happy ending. However, even taking these aspects for granted, Santa with Muscles still will leave you stunned. It isn't quite the worst movie I've ever seen (Manos, Hootch County, and Ninja Wars beat it there) but it's definitely down there.

The Hulkster stars as Blake Thorne, a big dumb prig with more money than he knows what to do with, so he spends his days playfully tormenting his house-servants. (The 'Stop and smell the roses!' line is a hoot!) Through a ludicrous turn of events, Blake gets amnesia and is convinced by a jerk named Lenny that he is the real Santa Claus. Hijinks, fistfights and eye-rolling sappiness ensue. Watch for two-count 'em-TWO instances of giant candy canes being used as weapons, a horrible song by Hulk and the little whiny girl, the equally stupid 'Blake's rules' and 'Santa's rules', and what is perhaps the most ridiculous McGuffin I've ever seen-but I'll leave that for you to discover.

I can only recommend Santa with Muscles if you happen to have great patience and a high threshold of pain. I wondered about half-way through, "Has this been over 2 hours yet?"...but despite what you may feel it is only a bit over 1 1/2. Not a very merry way to spend your Christmas.

This just goes to show that Hogan is a bad on the big screen as he is in the squared circle. How this film could ever have been commishoned is beyond belief.

I hope someone was fired or even tortured for the production of this film.

It is only a shame that the scoring system on the vote doesn't start at 0 because 1 is far to good for this film. This goes to show that Hogan should never be allowed to make any films EVER EVER AGAIN.

Thanks for your time and please don't ever feel the need to watch this film to win a bet or if you are contemplating suicide. It will push you over the edge.