- Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
- Howard Langston: [after getting at a toddler for taking his prize ball and putting it in her mouth in attempting to get it back, he is being ambushed by a bunch of disgusted mothers who misunderstood his socially unacceptable behavior and are calling him a pervert] I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!
- Ted: Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.
- Howard Langston: [muttered to him softly as he drives backwards] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.
- Ted: What?
- Howard Langston: [as Turbo Man] Come on, Myron, you're taking this too far.
- Myron Larabee: [as Dementor] Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!
- Chain Smoking Booster: [as Booster] Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!
- Myron Larabee: You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.
- Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says *five* different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately; batteries not included.
- Myron Larabee: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
- [last lines]
- Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.
- [Howard nods]
- Liz: And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...
- Howard Langston: What?
- Liz: [smiling] What did you get me?
- [the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]
- Huge Santa: [threateningly] I'm gonna deck your halls, bub!
- Huge Santa: [Instinctively, Howard grabs a oversized candy cane and smashes it onto his chest where it breaks in two; Huge Santa waggles his fingers. Howard now has a Mini-Santa hitting him all over on his shoulders. As Huge Santa winds up for another hit, Howard ducks so that the Mini-Santa will take his place]
- Mini Santa: Noooooooooooo!
- [he screams and flies across the room into a stack of boxes]
- Huge Santa: [genuinely concerned] Little buddy.
- DJ: [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops] Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...
- [Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]
- DJ: HELP ME!
- Howard Langston: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
- DJ: What?
- Howard Langston: See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?
- [Howard hugs the DJ]
- DJ: Oh no, it's not that simple!
- DJ: No! Wait, wait!
- [Myron comes into the radio room]
- Howard Langston: You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah!
- Myron Larabee: I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
- [Myron pulls out a package]
- Howard Langston: Now what's that?
- Myron Larabee: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
- Howard Langston: A bomb?
- Myron Larabee: Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!
- Howard Langston: You built a bomb?
- Myron Larabee: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place!
- Howard Langston: Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!
- Howard Langston: [as Howard is getting Ted on the phone, he hears Ted eating his wife's cookies and complimenting on them] Cookies?
- [shouting]
- Howard Langston: Who told you you could eat my cookies?
- Howard Langston: You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.
- Mall Santa: What did you call us?
- Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen, thieves, degenerates, lowlifes, thugs, criminals!
- Mall Santa: In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner. Put 'em up!
- Howard Langston: [clutching two store associates by the collar, after they've mocked him along with the whole store doing that and told him the Turbo Man dolls are gone; he sneers] Where's your Christmas spirit?
- [the two smile, so does Howard]
- Howard Langston: That's better!
- Mall Santa: Hey. Psst. Buddy, come here. Come here. You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?
- Howard Langston: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.
- Mall Santa: Hey, chief, that's not my bag... Get it? Ha! Well, you know little boy, with your attitude, I don't think I want to give you access to this. Tony, show him.
- Tony the Elf: [Tony the Elf hold up a Polaroid photograph of him holding a Turboman doll and newspaper article] That was taken this morning.
- Howard Langston: How do I know this isn't some kind of a scam?
- Mall Santa: Forget it, Tony, this guy doesn't want our help.
- Howard Langston: Whoa, wait a minute, guys. We're all businessmen. I'm sure we can work out some sort of an agreement.
- Mall Santa: [the Mall Santa pulls Howard closer] You got the cash, we got the doll.
- Howard Langston: [the second time on the phone, he still can't get Liz] Jamie, let me talk to your mother.
- Jamie Langston: You can't.
- Howard Langston: Why?
- Jamie Langston: She's next door petting Ted.
- [he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]
- Howard Langston: [aggravated] She's what?
- Sparky: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.
- Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
- [does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
- Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
- [he rips open the package]
- Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
- Sparky: How many years on the bomb squad?
- [Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
- Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
- Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
- Myron Larabee: Thank you!
- Chain Smoking Booster: *Finally*! Where the hell have you been? Geez, I've been sweatin' like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well, it's showtime!
- [puts on his Booster mask]
- Howard Langston: I know you; you're Booster!
- Chain Smoking Booster: [behind his mask] Yeah! And who the hell do you think you are - Mary Poppins?
- [Howard tries to grab the doll]
- Mall Santa: [Santa stops him] Ah! That'll be three hundred.
- Howard Langston: Dollars?
- Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!
- Howard Langston: I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though you're doing all this for the kids.
- Mall Santa: Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.
- Jamie Langston: [on the phone with Jamie after a grueling morning searching for a Turbo Man doll, Jamie quotes something from Turbo Man to him, and momentarily unaware that Jamie knows nothing about his situation, he finally loses it] It's like Turbo Man says, "Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends".
- Howard Langston: Enough! Enough with this Turbo Man, okay? I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anybody I don't want advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!
- Ted: [when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her hitting him over the face with a jug of eggnog causing it to splatter him] Well... that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped.
- Howard Langston: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason? Now, that makes me a bad father.
- Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!
- Howard Langston: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh, well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us have Christmas dinner in it.
- Myron: [surprised] No!
- Howard Langston: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.
- Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
- Howard Langston: Oh, don't say that.
- Myron: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny Seven OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?
- Howard Langston: No.
- Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
- [imitating the whole play]
- Myron: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny Seven OMA.
- Howard Langston: Sorry to hear that.
- Myron: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?
- Howard Langston: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.
- Myron: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny Seven OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
- [Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]
- Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?
- Ted: I think she's in the shower, Howard.
- [with a fresh attitude]
- Ted: Do you want me to go check?
- Howard Langston: NO! I mean, no. That's fine. On your way out, tell her I will be a few minutes late. But she shouldn't worry.
- Myron Larabee: You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys
- [grabs an old lady]
- Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.
- DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
- Howard Langston: Yes.
- Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.
- DJ: Oh, no.
- Myron Larabee: Yes it is.
- DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
- [chuckles]
- DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.
- Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?
- DJ: Right.
- Caller: [the objective is to correctly name all eight of Santa's reindeer to eventually win a Turbo Man doll] Um, Randy, Jermaine, uh, Tito...
- DJ: Nope, not even close. Sorry. But perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right.
- Officer Hummel: As for you, Turbo Man...
- [saluting]
- Officer Hummel: we could use a man like you on the force.
- Howard Langston: [in Turbo Man costume, saluting back] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb.
- Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.
- Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
- Jamie Langston: [he and Johnny are fighting over who wants to be Turbo Man] *I'm* Turbo Man!
- Johnny: No, *I* am; you're *always* Turbo Man!
- Liz: [over their fight while baking cookies] Hey, hey, hey, cut it out.
- Jamie Langston: Why don't you be Dementor?
- Johnny: No!
- Myron Larabee: [waiting outside to go inside the toy store] Hey. Give the man a break. He's a dad trying to get a toy.
- [to Howard]
- Myron Larabee: Go ahead. Have cuts man. Last minute shopping huh?
- Howard Langston: Yeah.
- Myron Larabee: Enough to drive a man insane, ain't it? Myron Larabee.
- Howard Langston: [they both shake hands] Howard Langston.
- Myron Larabee: See I have to shop late because it's the busiest time of the year for me all these important Christmas letters that people sed to folks they don't even talk to but once a year, not to mention relatives sending presents they're going to have to send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? And how about those little, stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole?
- [In a child's voice]
- Myron Larabee: "Dear Santa could you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off. And as if I didn't have enough pressure in my life, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man.
- Howard Langston: That's Turbo Man. My son wants one too.
- Myron Larabee: You know it's all a ploy, don't you?
- Howard Langston: A ploy?
- Myron Larabee: Man where you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.
- Howard Langston: Oh, come on.
- Myron Larabee: You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement, and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! I know what I'm talking about 'cause I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there. I know what's going on. And then they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage because you the father who's working 24/7, delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me, and then when you get the toy it breaks, and you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic! Know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys and just choke him!
- [grabs and suddenly chokes a woman while saying it]
- Myron Larabee: Choke him until an eye pops out!
- [He suddenly realizes what he's doing and lets the woman go]
- Myron Larabee: You shouldn't wear fur.
- Myron Larabee: [Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell] You too, Barnaby Jones!
- Ted Maltin: Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
- Mall Santa: We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.
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