Crash Dive

This non-entity of a movie doesn't deserve a long review, so here are my brief thoughts. You will have seen every single element of this movie done better elsewhere. It is Die Hard and Under Siege on a submarine, yet so much worse than any of the films in either series. It is utterly predictable and totally unmemorable apart from the single worst shootout I have ever seen in a movie. This shootout manages to be completely mesmerising due to the total lack of jeopardy and the catastrophic editing. It is staggeringly poorly done, however, for this hilariously bad sequence I have added an extra star.

For all the fight scenes in this movie, you'd think they would have devoted some creativity to them...Ooops Sorry, There was no creativity in the entire movie. The director should be shooting video of the South Dakota RV Association annual meeting instead.

It really comes across as soft-headed and amateurish to the point of being offensive. They entire thing stumbles in a gooey fog through second rate (why not use first rate?) cliché's.

The best they can get out of the few serious actors in it is a sort of half-hearted professionalism, where they recreate (from better memories) some more prestigious and more watchable previous roles.

Painful. Turn it off and go clean the garage. You'll have more fun.

Some endearing characters played by a few name actors make this a tolerable ride. The great Frederic Forest (Blue Duck in Lonesome Dove and Cook in Apocalypse Now) plays a USN Admiral. However, the lack of competent technical advice made the military side of this submarine action thriller hard to take. On the SSN sub Ulysses, the new XO, we are told, is the youngest in USN history, yet he has --shall we say-- limited social skills. And his immediate subordinate ( a Lt. Commander) derisively refers to him as a "college boy". Problem is ALL USN commissioned officers are college graduates. Hatches are called "doors", lieutenant commanders are called "Lieutenant ", and an ex Navy SEAL also moonlighted as a submarine designer. Prior service guys will find these mistakes--and others like them--a hoot. But if you can say "whatever" and let it ride, it will provide a decent final act for your patience.

Small budget ripoff of Under Siege (minus Erika Eleniak topless) staring Michael Dudikoff and produced/directed by Andrew Stevens.

'Crash Dive' goes the way of a great many other B action movies, only this one is worse in many regards. Of course that's what appeals to fans of the genre, and if you look at it that way, it won't disappoint. The special effects, especially the climactic missile destruction have to be seen to be believed. They are so bad you end up laughing at them, ruining any intended entertainment value that the movie has to offer.

The acting is classically bad, not at all aided by a horrible script. Michael Dudikoff is laughable, they producers could've (and should've) hired a bum off the street to play his character, it would've worked out much better. The rest of the cast, made up entirely out of no names, fares no better, and they appear to have so little interest in the story that they showed up for work, and left, still sleeping.

There is one thing that is to be admired in this film is it's ambitions. Never before have I seen a B action movie that actually has any moments of.... sadness, so to speak. 'Crash Dive' does have some of that and, though it miserably fails, it is a refreshing break from the norm. Well maybe not refreshing, but a break all the same.

One of the qualities required in any B movie is unintentional entertainment value. 'Crash Dive' certainly has some of that, but the stretches in between the fits of badness is what is not very enjoyable. There are portions that are unimaginably tedious, and that's the reason I'm not going to recommend the movie, even for fans of Dudikoff, if any exist. Stay away. Stay far, far away.

2.5/10