Skyscraper

Imagine that you put Barb Wire in a skyscraper, after the Die Hard model, add incredibly stupid dialog, and some free swinging 48" (or however big Anna Nicole Smith's mammaries are) appendages. Then you have more or less this movie.

If you are a man, the only thing that will hold your attention are the scenes where Anna Nicole Smith shows off her transplants.

You might want to watch the film if you are masochistic or have nothing better to do (like watching paint dry?).

The plot is: Tall high rise is taken over by terrorists, this building have a brand new state of the art electronic security system, that allows you to monitor and control the building from 1 central location.

The bad guys claim to be a international terrorist group in order to avoid detection of their real motive. However there is a fly in the ointment in that there are - in this case - two good guys loose in the building trying to spoke their plans.

The action consists of crawling through air vents, setting fires in order to call the fire department, picking off the terrorists one by one, ending in a fight where the leader gets thrown off the roof, to crash to his death 86 floors below. Other terrorists are also thrown out the windows to land on police cars......

Sound familiar ??????

The primary good guy is Anna Nicole Smith, proudly showing off her mammary development (transplant???) at various times, probably to keep the attention of the the few guys watching the movie.

Please do yourself a favor - don't see this movie if you have any choice.

You have a cleavage-filled picture of Anna Nicole Smith wearing inch-long red nails and holding a gun. What do you expect? Skyscraper is a pathetic attempt to turn Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith into some sort of action hero in the tradition of the historic Die Hard, and the end result is ridiculous. Take Die Hard, reduce the budget by about 97%, replace the director with someone who hails Andy Sidaris films as the greatest things in the world, and switch Bruce Willis for a big-breasted blonde with no acting ability whatsoever. If you do all that, you get Skyscraper. What a joke.

This is not an action movie, it is a vehicle to further Smith's career, although with such a piece of garbage I can't imagine that her career was furthered rather than hindered. It was so funny watching her complain to her husband in the movie about wanting to have a baby. The sets were pretty funny, too. Remember the control panel in the building that the bad guys were communicating with the police on? That's why the budget from Die Hard could be cut by 97%. Cardboard and spray paint are not expensive, and I can't imagine that the film's producers actually paid these people for such pathetic acting. Skyscraper is a waste of everything that was put into it. Needless to say, it would be best not to waste your time on such crap.

I found it truly distressing to watch this film. Plot wise, it was basically a rip off of Die Hard (i.e. group of 'terrorists' take over hi-tec building and are foiled by an individual) and appeared to exist only as a vehicle for Anna Nicole Smith's breasts.

The European 'terrorist' contingent looked like a bunch of failed male models - musclebound freaks with girly hair. The dialogue appeared to be a rather poorly realised afterthought and Ms. Smith's acting was painful to watch. Her facial expressions and whining voice were several steps down from Roger Moore's school of 'eyebrow-response' acting. Even in the attempted rape scene there was no dramatic tension, leaving the viewer with an almost schizophrenic sense of detachment. All in all a complete waste of time. Nice jugs though.

Okay, that should take care of all the dumb breast jokes, shall we move on?

Anna Nicole Smith...action star?

No.

Anna Nicole Smith...erotic star?

Maybe.

Anna Nicole Smith...comedian?

Definitely.

She can't act, she can barely remember her lines, she pouts, she whines...and she's supposed to be the next Bruce Willis? I think not. Take out the violence and this could be "The Naked Gun, Part 48DD: Double Trouble". ...okay, okay, that's the last dumb breast joke, I promise.

On the basis of this movie, Anna would be best off to just cut her losses and work as an understudy for Edy Williams (hey, she's got to retire sometime).

One star. Maybe two, I wouldn't want to be a boob.

Sorry, sorry....

Skyscraper is Die Hard with Anna Nicole Smith in the Bruce Willis role. In an effort to differentiate the two movies, they made her a helicopter pilot. Normally this would make the plot highly unbelievable (she takes on a gang of terrorists). But by the time the plot kicks in, you will already have given up on any hope that this is anything more than soft core porn.

The sad thing is, Anna Nicole's acting skills aren't even up to that level. Actually, they don't exist. She reads every line in exactly the same monotone, whether whining to her husband that she wants a baby or pleading with the terrorists not to shoot a hostage. On the plus side, there is lots of nudity that gives new meaning to the word 'gratuitous'. Early on Anna Nicole gets home from a hard day's work and relaxes with a slow-motion shower. She seems to really enjoy it, giving special attention to her big-as-your-head breasts. Actually, that's the high point of her performance. But I don't think even Meryl Streep could have done much with this material.

You've got your multi-ethnic team of what another reviewer called "Chippendales terrorists", each one a stereotype of some kind (my favourite was the French one, who would sprinkle his dialogue with exotic French words like "mes amis"). You've got your "brilliant" terrorist leader whose brilliance is supposed to be conveyed by his pretentious habit of meaninglessly quoting Shakespeare and by his lofty world-accent line delivery. I could go on about the brain-dead comic relief, the cheesy take-over-the-world plot, and dialogue that's beyond wooden - it's more like petrified wood - but I don't want to ruin the experience for you. That's right - I think you should see this film. I haven't laughed this hard since Showgirls.