- Mr. Matheson: [Eating custard with Vera's pus squirted in it] Damn fine custard. Rich and creamy, just the way I like it!
- Father McGruder: Lionel, despite being deprived of his father at an early age, was blessed with an abundance of motherlove.
- [Mum's hand smashes through her coffin lid and tries to strangle Lionel]
- Guide: You've got... *the bite*!
- Stewart: [the guide reaches for a machete] There's some Dettol in the Jeep...
- [Seconds before being devoured by zombies]
- Intellectual: Some of my best friends are pedophiles!
- Roger: You know what they are saying about you don't you? You've got funny in the head! A real bloody weirdo! Touch her again and I'll knock you into the middle of next week!
- Uncle Les: Christ! What a stink!
- Lionel Cosgrove: Uh... yeah. A dog must have uh, crawled under the house and died.
- Zoo Keeper: Story goes, these great big rats come scuttling off the slave ships and raped all the little tree monkeys. The natives use them in black magic rituals. Don't ask me how, probably suck the blood of virgins, eh, eh?
- Uncle Les: She's history! I know what to do, I've read the comics! Total... bodily... dismemberment!
- [to two housewives, after beating up Baby Selwyn in a public park and stuffing him into a duffel bag]
- Lionel Cosgrove: Hyperactive!
- [the Sumatran rat monkey bites Mum, and she crushes it with the heel of her stiletto]
- Zoo Keeper: Holy shit!
- Mum: Look at this! It bit me. I've been savaged! And my dress!
- Uncle Les: [Wielding a knife and a cleaver and faced with a horde of zombies] Step right up you greebo bastards!
- Mum: [about Paquita] I'll tell you what she is. She's EXPERIENCED. Why have you deliberately gone out of your way to upset me?
- [she sobs]
- Lionel Cosgrove: I'm sorry Mum... it... won't happen again.
- [she smiles]
- [after Lionel crashes into the church hugging his mother's 'corpse']
- Nora Matheson: He was always dreadfully attached to Vera.
- Father McGruder: Well I've seen some displays of grief in my day, but nothing quite like that.
- Mum: There's a beetle. Under the fridge! Horrid little creature scuttled right in front of me! I though I told you spray this house! The place is infested with vermin.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: Lionel, is your mother's toothbrush the white one or green one?
- Lionel Cosgrove: [pulling Mum's hands from his throat] Green!
- Mandy: [Eating a bite-sized wiener, to Lionel] Tasty. You got anything else that I can uh, nibble on?
- Roger: This is like, you know, 10, 15 yards out from the sideline. There are seven of these big buggers coming towards me, right? So what do I do? L... I put my head down, and I shot to a get a touchdown right between the posts! God. You know, the coach thinks I'm a dead set for next all back trials. What do you think about that, Paquita? You could be going out with the next Bob Scott...
- [He sees that Paquita is gone, having jumped over some hedges]
- Lionel Cosgrove: I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: You must destroy them.
- Lionel Cosgrove: I can't... not Mum.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: That thing is not you mother.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: You like my dog? He's very big, yes?
- Lionel Cosgrove: Any bigger and he'd belong in a zoo.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: Zoo, pardon?
- Lionel Cosgrove: Zoo, you know, animals, cages?
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: Ahh! I like to go with zoo. I go with the zoo?
- Lionel Cosgrove: No no no. You want to go *to* the zoo.
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: Yes, please!
- [throws open curtains]
- Lionel Cosgrove: Oh Mum, what a beautiful day!
- [he turns to see her half-zombified]
- Mum: *Eeeeeeeuuuggggghhhh!*