Lethal Ninja

Silly me, I thought ninjas could fight! Well, not according to this movie: the two leads (who are NOT ninjas) have about as much trouble taking them out as they would have with random people picked from the streets. They are so clueless and out-of-tune with their surroundings, in fact, that you can easily sneak up on them and twist their necks (aren't ninjas usually supposed to be the ones DOING that, instead of having it done TO them?). No wonder the bad guy says at one point "they've made a mockery of my men" - his men are his private ninja army, who are practically good for nothing, except rollerskating! There is one half-decent fight scene somewhere around the middle, against the only ninja who at least tries to put up some sort of fight; the rest of the fights are forgettable, and often poorly edited. The entire film is utterly forgettable, but some of the stunts are worthy of respect, so I'll be generous and give it *1/2 out of 4.

I believe I understand this movie. The message is:

If you have a problem you only have to wait, to hit the guys who try to kill you with only one beat or turn out the lights with your ninja-sword. ...Am I wrong ?

It is fun and pain to watch the hero of this movie, Ross Kettle (called "Joe" in the film), trying to look cool, pretending to fight with big men, knocking them down after almost no fighting and grabbing bigger men's...you know.

Problem 1: Ross Kettle is no action hero, he was good in "Santa Barbara" (a soap opera) and without him you could forget the movie completely, but he is just not right for the part.

Problem 2: One of the worst actresses I've ever seen: Karyn Hill, who plays Ross Kettle's kidnapped wife. Anyone could have been a better choice. If she was at least naked to convince us with her breasts...

Problem 3: The story...what story ? It would be ridiculous trying to explain what happens. It doesn't matter !

Problem 4: Explosions are nice and good fights are interesting, but is it really necessary to hear a sound like when Batman and Robin of the original Batman-series beat someone up, every time Ross Kettle, the hero (a joke, sorry), is knocking someone down ? Besides, there are no good fights here and explosions look like from a cartoon.

Pretending to be a movie for adults. Not even children would care, or perhaps the little ones !

For Fans of bad movies, Amazon Prime is a gold mine. The vast majority of the selections go from the ridiculous to the redonkulous, including Bloodlock, Breeders, and Night of the Demon (a personal favorite). I added Lethal Ninja to my watchlist hoping for the David Heavener vehicle featured on Best of the Worst. It wasn't. Oh Lordy it wasn't. I was roughly five minutes into it when I heard my doorbell ring. I thought it was the ringing in my head (watch the movie and you'll understand), but it persisted. I opened the door, and there stood Miss Watson exclaiming "Face it, tiger! You just hit the jackpot." Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Hell yes! If Amazon Prime is a schlock mine, I just hit the motherlode.

Two "actors" pretending to be Michael Dudikoff and Steve James go to Africa(?) to rescue not-Michael's wife from the clutches of Dr. Evil if he were played by the child of Sigfreid and Roy. Instead of going "plot point" by "plot point", I think I'll just state what the "film" has going for it.

A Fake Nostradamus prophecy about a savior from the east, who comes from the west.

A ninja who feels it necessary to teach people how to breathe. It's difficult, I know.

The most effeminate yet clichéd villain I've ever seen, down to the monocle and black cigarette holder.

The Carousel of Carnage.

A song that reminded my of my acid reflux disease.

The Roller Derby of Death. Should this film ever catch on, this scene will be up there with the popcorn scene in Troll 2 and the horny nurse scene in Samurai Cop. It's that incomprehensible.

A hapless ninja who get belted in the face with the backblast from a rocket launcher. Not intentionally.

The Waterslide of Slaughter.

Acting that can best be described as a cry for help.

So much non-medy that Rich Evans will kill himself.

Lastly, a plot that's harder to follow than Miami Connection.

Lethal Ninja is amazing. I just watched it, and it's already one of my favorite bad movies. I wanted to give it ten stars, but I thought that would be misleading, so it's bottomed out. Just like the alcoholics who made this.

Ross Kettle spends his time doing nothing in particular. His wife, microbiologist Karyn Hill, is in Africa, working with a doctor. The bad guys come up, kill the doctor, and take her captive in their efforts to bring to fruition a Nostradamus predicition that will enable their boss to take over. So Kettle flies to Africa with a friend, and proceed to wander around.

Some ninjas show up around the 40 minute mark -- although they're dressed in brown -- and attempt to take on Our Hero to no avail, since they insist on shouting at him before they attack. There is some location shooting in South Africa, but there is more in Los Angeles Chinatown. Poor acting, poor scripting, but at least the camerawork is adequate. It's just not enough by a long shot.

Ninjas. What are we going to do with them? Well... stick all of them in this film, apparently.

What we have here is the low budget, amateur hour version of Samurai Cop. Yeah I know what I just said. But that's what it is, and we have to give thanks to the 1989-1992 window of human history for this kind of gleefully un-selfconscious mega-junk which never appeared again in quite this kind of form.

Plot: a guy and another guy try and rescue the first guy's wife who's been kidnapped by ninjas, the end.

Sample thing that happens:

"You want brakes? I'll give you brakes!" - said by a guy hurtling along a dirt track while being persued by ninjas, and who then proceeds to *not* brake.

There is some really really really bad acting in this one, but the bad dubbing is clear and audible, so that's a bonus.

Not as good as Samurai Cop in any way, but still probably worth a watch if you find it cheap.