- [after Uma Thurman tells him that she sometimes eats in the nude]
- Conan O'Brien: I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's.
- Conan O'Brien: Let's check in with the 'Men Without Hats Conversation Channel.'
- Wife: Do you want toast?
- Man: [to the tune of "The Safety Dance"] You can make toast if you want to, and leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't toast, and if they don't toast, then they're no friends of mine.
- Wife: I want a divorce.
- [leaves]
- Man: We can get divorced if you want to, and leave your friends behind...
- Waitor: Are you all finished? Should I bring you the check?
- Man: You can bring the check if you want to, and bring the check right now. 'Cause your friends don't check, and if they don't check...
- [Waitor socks Man in the face]
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: I think Eminem should relax a little. I mean, my mom's a bitch too, but I don't sing songs about it.
- [Hollywood Secrets]
- Michael Caine: Sometimes people confuse me with Anthony Hopkins. Here is how you tell the difference: I'm the one nailing Mrs. Hopkins.
- Ethan Hawke: My daughter asked me why, when we're walking down the street together, people who walk by us say "Training Day".
- Conan O'Brien: Yeah, my daughter asked me, "Daddy, why do people walk by us and say, 'That guy's not funny?'"
- Conan O'Brien: Intelligence reports say that Osama bin Laden's personal physician has been successfully captured. Right now, the Army is also attempting to capture his dentist and his Pilates instructor.
- Conan O'Brien: We got a good show tonight. Right, Max?
- Bandleader: Absolutely, Conan.
- Conan O'Brien: Not a sincere bone in his body.
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What liquid was Han Solo frozen in?
- Star Wars Fans: Carbonite!
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Oh, no, I'm sorry, the answer is, who gives a shit?
- Bill Maher: You know, your hair looks redder on TV. It's really brown in person.
- Conan O'Brien: You know what it is? It's the lighting here. And now we're talking about something *important* for a change! This is what the country cares about! They don't care about the election!
- [after learning he can't jump out of a truck, and must only step out]
- Conan O'Brien: When will the government get off our backs? We're truckers', dammit!
- [quietly]
- Conan O'Brien: I wanna live.
- Conan O'Brien: Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI.
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Then I cornered the earthquake and I grabbed it by its ass and zen I pressed against ze earthquake's perky 19-year-old faultlines. Zen the earthquake said, "I thought you hired me for my skills." And I just laughed at ze earthquake. Zen ze earthquake ran out crying and zen I turned slowly to camera, took the cigar out of my mouth and said, "Now she's all shook up."
- Conan O'Brien: You shot the Easter Bunny!
- Will Ferrell: He made a menacing gesture at me!
- Conan O'Brien: I think he was trying to give you an egg!
- Will Ferrell: Why is the Easter Bunny even here, Conan? It's not Easter!
- Conan O'Brien: I don't know, he just likes to hang around the studio sometimes!
- Conan O'Brien: If you were going to fill Lake Ontario with chicken broth, how much chicken broth would you need?... That's a trick question. Why would anyone do that? You are doing very well here, sir.
- Conan O'Brien: The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you, "Why didn't you do that on television?"
- Conan O'Brien: Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not."
- Conan O'Brien: You see, you're in for a long lifetime of, "And you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how there jumper cables work and here, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Get your head stuck in your niece's doll house because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's, "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard?"
- Bandleader: Conan, what's your position on gay marriage?
- Conan O'Brien: Well, Max, I don't really know.
- Bandleader: What do you mean?
- Conan O'Brien: I'm not sure, I have to think about it.
- Bandleader: You don't deserve me, you bastard.
- Jeff Goldblum: I just noticed from your waist there... you're speckled all over.
- Conan O'Brien: Almost, Jeff Goldblum. Almost.
- Conan O'Brien: I'm sorry. I didn't get enough attention as a child and now America has to pay. Because my mom had six kids, America has to pay!
- Sidekick: [while doing 'In the Year 2000'] The former sidekick of Late Night with Conan O'Brien will return to do the 'Year 2000' comedy piece, realize that the year 2000 was actually four years ago and remember why he left this crappy show.
- Conan O'Brien: I had a little baby girl about eleven months ago and named her Neve...
- Neve Campbell: Hmm, interesting.
- Conan O'Brien: Yeah, my way of getting to you. You wouldn't return my calls so I name my child after you, still no calls.
- [shouts]
- Conan O'Brien: What do you want?
- [while playing 1864 baseball, Conan spots a passing plane]
- Conan O'Brien: What, ho! What is that? Demonry?
- [while playing with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Conan introduces a much wider hockey net]
- Conan O'Brien: Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL four-by-six hockey net. I give you the "Conan net" right here. It will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie, on odd-numbered nights, would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An ottoman, a recliner, or a small sectional. Not a *large* sectional.
- [pause]
- Conan O'Brien: It's not a circus.
- Bill Clinton "Lips": My name is Bill Clinton, and I'm reporting for booty.
- Conan O'Brien: After Bill O'Reilly's accusation for sexual molestation, the ratings for his show have doubled. And with that in mind, I'd like to say, Max, you have a sweet ass.
- Mr. T: ["In the Year 2000" prediction] 50 million viewers will tune in to watch the series finale of Friends, where it is finally revealed that New York has black people.
- Conan O'Brien: Isn't that right, Cactus Chef playing Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" on a flute?
- Conan O'Brien: Michael, were you surprised by the jury's innocent verdict?
- Michael Jackson's "Lips": Mm-hmm. That's right Conan, I never thought 12 adults could get me off.
- Conan O'Brien: [singing] I'ma gonna go to hell when I die. I'ma gonna go to hell when I die.
- [audience cheers]
- Conan O'Brien: Don't cheer that!
- Conan O'Brien: You catch you child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do.
- [frequently sung by Conan after making a mean joke that shocks the audience]
- Conan O'Brien: I'm-a gonna go to hell when I die. I'm-a gonna go to hell when I die.
- [Hollywood Secrets]
- Gwyneth Paltrow: I'm superstitious. Whenever I start a new movie I kill a hobo with a hammer.
- Conan O'Brien: Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!
- Conan O'Brien: [about lizard] He tried to bite me!
- Animal Expert: I forgot to mention... he bites.
- Conan O'Brien: You're an ass.
- Conan O'Brien: [whispering] Someone, start my car. Keep the engine running. This audience is getting mad.
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By what name was Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993) officially released in India in English?
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