- Buddy Young, Jr.: For me, my family was like, uh, Dances With Jews. Oh sure, we had names for our relatives like they had in that movie.
- Reporter: What do you mean?
- Buddy Young, Jr.: Well, we had "Eats With His Hands," "Spits When He Talks," "Makes Noise When He Bends," "Sweats Like a Pig," "Whines In a Cab," "Never Buys Retail," "Shaves His Back."
- Buddy Young, Jr.: Who do you have to screw to get a vodka?
- Sidney: Me.
- Buddy Young, Jr.: Make it a ginger ale.
- Buddy Young, Jr.: I'll never forget what my Uncle Moe said about little girls. He said, "Officer, she said she was 18!"
- Buddy Young, Jr.: I didn't take your life, Stan. I gave you one.
- Stan: Yeah, but you coulda been nicer.
- Buddy Young, Jr.: [to the audience he's performing to] I know you're out there, I can hear you reloading!
- Stan: Buddy, my whole life I listened to ya' bellyache about your luck. Well, you are where you are because of who you are.
- Announcer: And now, the star of our show, the kamikaze of comedy! Fasten your seat belts, put on your crash helmets; because here he comes... Mr. Saturday Night... Buddy Young, Junior!