Never Too Young to Die

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".

This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.

Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.

Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.

Five out of 10.

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

Maybe, unlike the title, I'm getting too old, but dang it...this was fun.

Oh, this is bad, terribly bad, but in a good way. The ole: So bad, it's good. Well, thanks, How Did This Get Made? I listened to their podcast review of this bad flick first, and then watched the movie. And now, I have to go back and listen to it all over again. And why? They were spot on with their enjoyment of this crazily stupid movie.

And yes, I'll be spending 270 minutes on this film. (90 minutes for the podcast, 90 for the actual film and another 90 re-listening to said podcast.) And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The plot revolves around a non-gymkata gymnast whose dad is absent for most of his tournaments and it turns out, Daddy's a spy! Well, when Father's out of the picture, it's up to Junior and Vanity to take on Rocky Horror so the Batman won't Begin.

Is this for everyone? Absolutely not. It's for people who both appreciate cinema and at the same time, need some cheese with their wine.

***

Final thoughts: With these bad movies, I generally find them for free on YouTube. I did not in this case, so I simply checked my Amazon Prime account and BAM! there it was. For free. Well with my account, that is. So, I had to see it. And it was so deliciously Bmovie, I have to recommend it.

OK, I'm not actually through with the movie -- I'm about halfway through, and I had to tell everyone to buy it!

John Stamos' father is a secret agent, murdered by a gang of weirdos who want a disk that tells how to poison the city water supply. John inherits a farm house and discovers what his father's work was as he finds all kinds of weapons and gadgets in the farm house and is pursued by the same bad guys as his father, who also left behind a pretty partner who knows how to shoot.

There are motorcycles, kisses, and, more -- and I haven't even finished the tape!