Never Too Young to Die

Gene made me laugh until I cried. He took this horrible mess and ran with it. The rest of the cast...well, what rest of the cast? This one is a real stinker but if you're a hardcore KISS fan you can appreciate the utter hilariousness of Gene's performance. Don't get me wrong, this movie overall is the worst I have ever seen but if seeing Gene Simmons in drag will live on tape long enough for my grandkids to see it, then it's worth it. LOL I pull it out of the cabinet whenever I need a good gut busting laugh with a horrible script.

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".

This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.

Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.

Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.

Five out of 10.

This movie is bad. But it's the laughable, entertaining kind of bad you find in movies like Grease II. You see great and crummy actors and actresses cast together that you would have never imagined, EVER. Gene Simmons of KISS fame plays the villainess gal with 'something extra'. You camp it up, Gene! You gotta love Gene Simmons, who has been playing in drag longer than Dame Edna. John Stamos plays himself basicly, no change in hair or motivation. He's handsome enough I suppose, but there is no acting range for this man. George Lazenby (one time James Bond) even makes an appearance!! Vanity made her career on those flawless cheekbones/exotic beauty, matched with dazzling clothes and sexy prancing, works her formula to the hilt. But she's convincing, because she seems like the type who really could beat the stuffing out of someone. She's a tough gal, secret agent with a heart of gold. The flirtation scene between John Stamos, Vanity and the garden hose will make heterosexual men lose sleep over her. (And make transvestites pine for Vanity's jungle bikini) The breast and nipple biting in this movie will truly surprise and titillate you! See it to laugh, to mock, and to marvel at the feminine charms of Gene Simmons. Nothing beats a great pair of legs!

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

This has to be seen to be believed. John Stamos plays college gymnast Lance Stargrove whose father is a super spy that still finds time to send him care packages. When Dad is killed by hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons), Stargrove teams with sexy spy Danja Deering (Vanity) to get revenge. Oh yeah, Simmons wants to poison the water supply with radioactive waste or something.

Stamos brings perfect hair to his role, which is the most important thing. There are lots of scenes of him doing gymnastics. Perhaps the director was a fan of '80s classic Gymkata. He also rides a dirt bike because in the '80s dirt bikes were cool. One of the many highlights of the movie is when Stamos is being beaten up by two of Simmons' thugs. He is crying like a little baby but then he sees a picture of his dad. Suddenly he's like Popeye on a spinach high and he kicks the crap out of the bad guys ("The name's not scumbag, it's Stargrove! Lance Stargrove!").

Vanity is a stone fox, as usual. She also has a nude scene, as usual. Her seduction of John Stamos I will mock publicly but privately I thought it was hot! Gene Simmons is gross to look at dressed in drag but a hoot hamming it up as the super villain. Seeing him flirt with Stamos is priceless. He also likes to use his middle finger for...well, I won't spoil it. There's an Asian inventor friend of Stamos' who, at one point in the film, wears an outfit that is practically every color known to man. George Lazenby plays the spy dad. I'm sure some casting director beamed from ear to ear over that ingenious casting. He dresses like a Ghost Buster and uses a bulletproof umbrella as a shield. In a scene that I'm certain was the actor breaking the fourth wall, Lazenby says to Simmons "Oh come on, this is stupid."

The movie is filled with laughably cheesy music. The song that plays during Stamos' first scene keeps repeating his character's name "Stargrove" over and over. Simmons gets to sing during his club routine ("Yeeeah!"). There's also a rather cheesetastic tune that plays leading up to Stamos taking Vanity to Pound Town.

This is the kind of movie you just don't see anymore. These days when they try to do trash like this, it's always so self-aware and obvious that it takes the fun out of it. Truly "so-bad-it's-good" flicks don't try to be bad on purpose. If you ever wondered what Uncle Jesse did before Full House, all your questions will be answered here. This movie is so awesome it will change your life. If you watch this, it will make a man out of you. So female viewers beware.