- Kee Nang: Gompa, I have ruined myself with the American. He is a fool.
- The Old Man: But he's brave.
- Kee Nang: He is irresponsible.
- The Old Man: But he's generous.
- Kee Nang: He thinks of nothing but protecting his own feelings.
- The Old Man: But if you touch his heart, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you.
- Kee Nang: He believes in nothing.
- The Old Man: Yet, still he does what is right.
- Kee Nang: He is a callous, thoughtless, undisciplined fool.
- The Old Man: [chuckles] Yes. I, too, like him very much. It's very hard not to.
- Chandler Jarrell: Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man whose ass is narrow can get down these steps. And if mine's is such an ass, then I shall have it.
- The Old Man: Keep your thought as pure as the water.
- Chandler Jarrell: Hey, this water ain't really that pure.
- The Old Man: Un-heh, neither are you.
- Chandler Jarrell: So, tell me about this dream.
- Kee Nang: Some part's real, some part's dream.
- Chandler Jarrell: So this scar on my arm's real.
- Kee Nang: Right.
- Chandler Jarrell: What about Numsie?
- Kee Nang: Numspaa, Sardo Numspaa.
- Chandler Jarrell: Yeah.
- Kee Nang: He's very real.
- Chandler Jarrell: You know, you were there, and you said some things that seemed pretty real...
- Kee Nang: That part was dream!
- Chandler Jarrell: I was just checking.
- Chandler Jarrell: My dear, sweet brother Numsie!
- [Numspaa transforms into a large and hideous demon surrounded by flames]
- Chandler Jarrell: [terrified] Uh... I can see you're busy right now. I'll come back later.
- Kee Nang: She's over 300 years old.
- Chandler Jarrell: How'd she manage that one?
- Kee Nang: One of her ancestors was raped by a dragon.
- Chandler Jarrell: Does that happen a lot where your from?
- Sardo Numspaa: You've no idea who I am, have you?
- Chandler Jarrell: Yes. You're Sardo Numsie. Ha-ha-ha. Look, I don't care who you are. I do care that you kidnapped a little kid, though.
- Sardo Numspaa: I could destroy you...
- [Snaps fingers]
- Sardo Numspaa: ... just like that.
- Chandler Jarrell: We wouldn't want that. Listen, bring me the boy, and I'll give you the knife. And then no one will have to be destroyed...
- [Snaps fingers]
- Chandler Jarrell: ... jus' like that.
- Herb Shop Clerk: Yak loin. Good to keep the Yang up.
- Chandler Jarrell: Ain't nothing wrong with my yang.
- Chandler Jarrell: Hey Bird - Did you just see a little Hare-Krishna midget in the tree, floatin'?... Or is it me?
- [the phone rings]
- Chandler Jarrell: It must be Rod Serling.
- Chandler Jarrell: The Chosen One. I'm the Chosen One. Why? Tibet? Why can't somebody choose me to go to The Bahamas? I got to get chosen to go to Tibet.
- Chandler Jarrell: Tell me about the Golden Child.
- Kala: Every thousand generations, a perfect child is born, a Golden Child. He has come to rescue us.
- Chandler Jarrell: Rescue us from what?
- Kala: From ourselves.
- Chandler Jarrell: Ah.
- Kala: He is the bringer of compassion. If he dies, compassion will die with him.
- Chandler Jarrell: So, if something happens to the kid, the whole world goes to hell?
- Kala: The world will *become* hell.
- Chandler Jarrell: Ah-ha! Not far from that now.
- Kee Nang: We'll be there soon.
- Chandler Jarrell: Yeah, well, ya' better have a spatula where we're goin' cause my ass is frozen to this yak.
- [last lines]
- [to the Golden Child]
- Chandler Jarrell: Hey, that's a neat trick you do, where somebody throws a rock at you and you wave your hand and make it hit something else. Did you ever hear of Ed McMahon and "Star Search"? Do they have "Star Search" in Tibet? Probably not. Probably got "Food Search." But you know what we could do, is we could all go on "Star Search" and we could give the audience rocks, and have them throw them at you, and then you can wave your hand and make them all hit Ed McMahon... hard.
- [laughs]
- [Chandler sees a man reading a porno magazine]
- Chandler Jarrell: 'Butt Pie' is a sequel to the bestseller 'Butt Cake.' A whole magazine of butt with cake all over it.
- [Reads the magazine title]
- Chandler Jarrell: 'Chunky Asses?'
- [laughs]
- Sardo Numspaa: I have been wanting to meet you, Mr. Yarrell.
- Fu: [Indescribable Tibetan language]
- Chandler Jarrell: Get your 'monkey' off my back.
- Sardo Numspaa: Of course. Fu, please retire.
- Chandler Jarrell: Yeah, Fu. Save it.
- Chandler Jarrell: They're not gonna let me on the plane with this 2 foot knife.
- Kee Nang: Yes they will.
- Chandler Jarrell: No they won't. I'm going to jail.
- Chandler Jarrell: I know this is a dream, so I can say anything I want and get away with it. So I think I will say, from my heart, kiss my ass. Kiss my ass!
- [Chandler puckers up]
- Kala: Do you have any other questions?
- Chandler Jarrell: As a matter of fact, I do. What are you doin' this weekend? Because your silhouette is kickin'!
- Kala: [rattling her tail]
- Chandler Jarrell: She plays the maracas, too?
- Kala: This is the Chosen One?
- Chandler Jarrell: I dont know, maybe he cut himself shaving and bled to death looking for a kleenex.
- Chandler Jarrell: If that bum didn't take my $100, we could have got a boat with a motor.
- Kee Nang: Shut up and paddle.
- Chandler Jarrell: Yeah, I'm gonna paddle. I'ma paddle his ass. I'ma paddle your ass when I find you! I know you... I'ma use this row... I'ma row your ass till it bleeds!
- Kee Nang: [after shielding Chandler from Sardo's arrow, Kee confesses why she stayed with him before she dies] I didn't spend... the night with you to obligate you. I spent the night with you... because I love you.
- The Thing: You were wise to kill Tommy Tong. He was weak. He might have betrayed us.
- Sardo Numspaa: Thank you, Lord.
- The Thing: But why is the Child still alive?
- Sardo Numspaa: You have no reason to fear him. He is surrounded at all times and in all the four directions by evil.
- The Thing: Do not underestimate the power of good and do not dismiss the strength of the Child. Time grows short. The Child will never eat the blood.
- Sardo Numspaa: What must I do?
- The Thing: Move the Child before the Chosen One draws near.
- Sardo Numspaa: And to kill him?
- The Thing: The Ajanti Dagger. It is not of this world. With it, you could kill the Child.
- Sardo Numspaa: But, Lord, it is so well guarded. How can I...
- The Thing: Offer to exchange the Child for it. They can refuse nothing for a safe return. Use the Ajanti Dagger. With it, you need no other evil. Use the Dagger to kill the Child!
- Chandler Jarrell: This is L.A., though. You're going to ask somebody about the blood? Um, are they in this world, or do we have to project there? Some part of the galaxy?
- Kee Nang: This child is special. His destiny is to save the world.
- Chandler Jarrell: That's a good destiny.
- Chandler Jarrell: They say you should always give a woman two chances to say no, just in case.
- Kee Nang: That's no twice.
- Sardo Numspaa: Has it occurred to you how many men of less worth than yourself obtain so many of life's rewards, while you, who can imagine so much, have so very little?
- Chandler Jarrell: I can't say that it has. I'm not that lucky. I don't have that much of an imagination.
- Sardo Numspaa: Welcome home, Mr Jarrell. You have something for me?
- Chandler Jarrell: [faking an accent] I'm sorry, Numsy!
- [shouting]
- Chandler Jarrell: I should be punished! Everyone? I have stolen from my brother, Numsy! Officer, it is your duty to take me in. Please, purge me! I am ashamed of myself! I should be arrested! I should be purged! I should be flogged! I don't deserve to walk amongst you people...
- Sardo Numspaa: [to the cops] Let me have a word with him.
- Chandler Jarrell: I am a swine! I am a wretch! I don't deserve to live like others!
- Sardo Numspaa: [under his breath] how long do you think you can you keep up this miserable masquerade?
- Chandler Jarrell: [normal voice] Well, until I get arrested, or until you realize the rules of evidence in this country. See, if I get arrested they take me and they put me in a jail cell. Then they take the knife, because it's a stolen object, and they put that in a little room and they put "Exhibit A," little sticker that says "Exhibit A,"on it. Then that sits in a room,and I sit in my little room and the knife sits in its little room until the trial comes up, which can be anywhere from a month to a year. So if you get me arrested there's no telling when you'll get your knife.
- Sardo Numspaa: I can see that it's pointless talking to you, Mr. Yarrell.
- Chandler Jarrell: Why do you insist mispronouncing my name, leaving the "J" silent? My name is Jarrell with a "J".
- [fleeing Sardo's lair, Chandler and the Golden Child jump into his car, only to find...]
- Chandler Jarrell: There's no keys in the car! There's no keys! Oh, come on! Come on, come on, come on!
- [the Golden Child touches Chandler's hand on the wheel. The car starts]
- Chandler Jarrell: [suddenly serene] Everything's gonna be okay.
- The Golden Child: [smiles] I know.
- Chandler Jarrell: This looks like a big joint.
- Kee Nang: I'm serious, Mr. Jarrell.
- Chandler Jarrell: Lick it and smoke it. I think it was two of these and you smoked the other one.
- Chandler Jarrell: It looks like a joint and you might get jumped by some Rastafarians walkin' around with this. So, put it away.
- Kee Nang: Golden Child, would be taken to the city of the angels and would be rescued by a man who is no angel.
- Chandler Jarrell: And who's that?
- Kee Nang: You, Mr. Jarrell.
- Kee Nang: A child has been kidnapped.
- Chandler Jarrell: When?
- Kee Nang: Five days ago in northeastern Tibet.
- Chandler Jarrell: Well, Tibet's a little bit out of my territory.
- Kee Nang: They need to keep evil on all sides of him at all times. Just the writing wouldn't be enough - that they'd need to augment it something else.
- Chandler Jarrell: Or what?
- Kee Nang: Or the child will project himself astrally.
- Chandler Jarrell: You know, this is a nice jacket. It's a Morris Day feel. And it looks good on you in the boots. It's smokin'.
- Kee Nang: Aren't you going to ask me up?
- Chandler Jarrell: Am I dreaming now?
- Kee Nang: Does a lady have to ask twice?
- Chandler Jarrell: No. No, please. No. Please twice. Please, please. Shit. Twice.
- Chandler Jarrell: I hear it's really cold in Tibet and I don't like the cold. Why don't we just stay here? Me and you stay here - all weekend long under the covers and watchin' television and sweatin' and smilin' and everything?
- Chandler Jarrell: Kala, you're not a normal chick. You're too shy and you need to open up. You can't sit in this basement naked, smoking cigarettes, looking at soap operas for the rest of your life.
- Kee Nang: Kathmandu, the gateway to Tibet.
- Chandler Jarrell: Bulls and shit walkin' around here - and it's cold.
- The Old Man: Monkey breath, puke face, eater of turtle slime.
- Chandler Jarrell: Okay, I tell you what, just give me my shit, you take your shit.
- Chandler Jarrell: I was wondering how - what a man says to a woman from your world when he wants to make her understand he loves her and wants to marry her.
- The Old Man: If you took the short path and reached enlightenment before tomorrow, who would want you for a husband?
- Chandler Jarrell: What's the short path?
- The Old Man: First of all, you must remain pure.
- Chandler Jarrell: What are you talkin' about pure? What do you mean?
- The Old Man: You know what I mean.
- Chandler Jarrell: Oh, you mean - is there a long way?
- The Old Man: You're breaking my heart, ass-wipe.
- Chandler Jarrell: Oh, you speak English just fine.
- The Old Man: So do you. So what of it?
- Chandler Jarrell: Did you see a little naked man runnin' around with a $100 bill?
- Kee Nang: I've arranged for yaks, ponies, and boats.
- Chandler Jarrell: You didn't see a little naked bum with $100?
- Kee Nang: No, but I could arrange for one.
- The Old Man: Those magnificent Americans. So much power and so little understanding what to do with it.