Click: The Calendar Girl Killer

CLICK: THE CALENDAR GIRL KILLER is a late-entry instalment for those purveyors of schlock, Crown International Pictures, and it's an extremely poor film. Sloppily made, written in a hurry, with unbelievable characters and ridiculous situations. However, it's also entertaining in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way, which means that it's much better than the majority of Crown's output.

The plot is some throwback to the old PSYCHO routine with a hidden villain struggling with multiple personality syndrome. Along the way, a number of nubile young women - who end up either undressed or parading around in their underwear - are offed in not particularly gory ways.

CLICK has little that horror or slasher fans won't have seen before, but there are fun performances from the likes of Troy Donahue and in particular Ross Hagen, and it's hard to dislike those cheesy performances. In fact, with Hagen also contributing to the direction and script, it must have been a labour of love for the actor, and it shows.

Ross Hagen home movie has a deranged transvestite knocking off centrefold models at a photographer's isolated ranch. Next big thing (Sims) is lured to the ranch to advance her career, but her disapproving boyfriend (Cummins) follows her and ends up part of the ensuing madness.

Shot on video, Hagen has spared no expense with his pyrotechnic displays, use of blank ammunition and fake tan, while the stunts are unlimited and the cast attractive and diverse. Troy Donahue has a few pointless scenes as Hagen's pastel-coloured polo shirt wearing assistant, while Hoke Howell has a virtual cameo as a PI investigating the strange disappearances of models. Some audiences might recognise Tracy Dali and Dona Speir from other, eh, publications although their roles are strictly ancillary (Speir has a prominent role in the first two scenes then abruptly disappears without explanation). As for Hagen's performance as the offbeat snapper, he looks professional if tired, but really comes to life in the final act, nursery rhymes and all. A performance not to be missed.

There's a couple of humorous moments where Cummins learns to fight and teaches a male model to ride his motor-cycle, but it's still pretty flimsy with an awful lot of time spent with Sims (vaguely reminiscent of a young Elisabeth Shue) and Cummins arguing, then making up, then arguing again etc etc. The film ambles to 80 minutes which gives you an idea of how much action, or lack thereof, is contained in the movie. No issue with Ross Hagen wanting to show that movie-making is accessible to almost any budget, just wish he had a better concept before he embarked on this glorified home movie.

There's no denying the fact that a B movie centered around the model photography industry could be a sleazy and enjoyable time. Unfortunately, this particular effort ends up being pretty much a complete waste of time. There's evidence at the beginning that this was a troubled production, with two people credited as director and six people credited with the screenplay. Whatever happened behind the scenes resulted in this being a very boring movie. The killings don't start until more than half the movie has gone by, and the kills themselves aren't very explicit for the most part. Speaking of explicit, what you might be expecting to see in this movie - sex and nudity - well, there's hardly any of that stuff at all. Also, there's no real story until the killings start - until then, it's just one scene after another that serves no real purpose. The production values are terrible, with soft and murky photography, poorly recorded dialogue, and annoying background noise. Oh, I guess there are a few unintended laughs here and there, and there is an impressive stunt by someone on a motorcycle, but other than that, this movie is a complete waste of time. And a message to the person who, in less than a 24 hour period voted that four of my comments of other awful Crown-International films were not "helpful" - justify your opinion of those awful movies by contacting me, or by posting your own comments!

CLICK: THE CALENDAR GIRL KILLER opens with beautiful, oily women in barely-there bikinis, brandishing knives and guns while striking various poses. This is pretty much the way it goes in this movie, with more photoshoots with increasingly bigger guns.

Is that a flamethrower? Where did they find so many gorgeous women with soap bubbles between their ears? Hey! There's a chainsaw! Here come the machineguns!

Meanwhile, a killer prepares to relieve these vacuous women of their exciting lives.

This is a hilariously silly movie about the hazards of calendar modeling. The actual murders take forever to get rolling, but the rest is such absurd brilliance that it hardly matters! Nonsensical situations merge with muddle-headed dialogue to produce this cinematic wonder.

THIS MENAGERIE ALSO INCLUDES: #1- Pirate chicks with eyepatches and double-barreled pistols! #2- A watermelon! #3- Cavemen! #4- A finale pitting a Fonzie lookalike against the world's burliest nurse!

Watch immediately!...

I got this movie as part of set of eight movies I paid four bucks for, so keep in mind I'm probably going to be overly generous to it (Whatever you do, do not waste more than 50 cents trying to see this). The movie is basically about a deranged transvestite nurse killing bimbo models during a closed fashion shoot in the California desert. But is the nurse connected to the deranged, violence-obsessed photographer who's putting on the shoot? Well, I don't want to ruin it, but it ruins itself pretty well.

The movie starts with a gratuitous nude scene, and for that matter, a completely completely gratuitous appearance by former Playboy Playmate Dona Speir. She completely disappears afterwards though when the action shifts out to the desert. There's plenty of other bimbos to be had, however, including future "Baywatch" babe Traci Dali. I have to wonder about the reviewers who say these girls are "unattractive"--if they happen to be personally dating MORE attractive girls than these, then they're definitely wasting their time reviewing crap movies on the internet. The girls are definitely very sexy both in and out of their skimpy bikinis, but--trust me here--this movie has absolutely NOTHING else going for it. Has-been matinée idol Troy Donahue and never-really-was character actor Ross Hagen are functional at best. The plot is generic and stupid. The visuals are cheap and uninspired. And the music is downright execrable.

This might be worth seeing for fifty cents, but it's definitely not worth a penny more.