- Lieutenant Columbo: You know, Colonel, the way we always agree with one another, that's amazing, considering the fact that we really don't like one another. Would you agree with me on that?
- Colonel Frank Brailie: I think I'd have to agree.
- Lieutenant Columbo: You see? We agree again.
- Colonel Frank Brailie: The sexual life of the Camel...
- General Padget: ...is stranger than anyone thinks,
- Colonel Frank Brailie: He lies in the shade of the Pyramids...
- General Padget: ...and tries to make love to the Sphinx,
- Colonel Frank Brailie: But the Sphinx is only a statue...
- General Padget: ...beset by the sands of the Nile,
- Colonel Frank Brailie: Which accounts for the humps on the Camel...
- General Padget: ...and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
- General Padget: Someone promises once and doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man. Promises twice, he's not very efficient. Promises three times, I know when I'm being diddled. But here we are, after all. I take it all back.
- Lieutenant Columbo: The fatal flaw, sir. I always thought it was shoes.
- General Padget: Excuse me?
- Lieutenant Columbo: There was a shoe factory in Gettysburg. If General Lee hadn't needed shoes for his men, there may never have been a Battle of Gettysburg.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Okay, I'm gonna put you in charge. You take care of the car. You're a responsible dog. When I get back, if the car's okay, I'll give you another cookie. *If the car's gone*... I'll give you another cookie anyway, 'cause I love you.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Here we have an accident on our hands. My report is gonna call this an accident. And there we go, complicating it with a lot of questions. The paperwork! It's gonna go on forever. Unless we just learn to forget about these little questions.
- General Padget: When you deal with other people's discretion, that leaves a hole for the devil to pop up.
- Colonel Frank Brailie: Arms transfers. That's what our beloved sponsors really hope they're buying. Just a little blood, don't you know that? Secret little excursions beyond the law. Secret guns for secret friends. In the interest of our country.
- Paramilitary Man #3: Here I be. Uh, you want to know about the training battalion?
- Lieutenant Columbo: I want to know about you, sir. Why you came here.
- Paramilitary Man #3: Ah, get ready for the time of anarchy.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Time of anarchy?
- Paramilitary Man #3: When the element tries to take over.
- Lieutenant Columbo: The element, sir?
- Paramilitary Man #3: Now maybe you don't care! But they ain't gettin' me and they ain't gettin' mine!
- Lieutenant Columbo: Riiiight.
- Colonel Frank Brailie: I'm curious. When did you suspect me?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Well, as long as you ask, sir, that first day in Mr. Keegan's quarters, when I found you scrubbing my mud off the floor. I thought that was peculiar for someone as arrogant as you are, if you'll excuse me, sir.