The Carpenter

In THE CARPENTER, a woman named Alice (Lynne Adams) moves into a new home with her idiot husband, Martin (Pierre Lenoir). Alice has mental issues, including delusional thinking. The rural house needs a lot of repairs, and one night Alice meets the titular artisan (Wings Hauser) working late in the basement. Is he part of the work crew, or... ??

When Alice finds herself in a bad spot with one of the workmen, the mystery man intervenes in grisly fashion. Hmmm, Martin had better watch his P's and Q's, or he may just wind up "remodeled" himself! Why, he could have a "splitting" headache!

This movie is an insanely ghoulish, tragic love story, perfect for Wings Hauser fans, since he's great in it!...

Wouldn't it be so much cooler if John Carpenter had directed this movie? Then the box of the VHS could loudly announce "John Carpenter's … The Carpenter"! And also, it probably would have been a much better film if John directed it… "The Carpenter" is a rather weak and laughable 80's slasher movie that desperately tries to add in some deeper psychological themes, but fails. It centers on a beautiful, thirty-something housewife that just got released from a period in a mental institution because she cut up her husband's business suits for no apparent reason. They move into a new countryside house that still needs a lot of renovation and Alice stays indoors whilst her husband cheats on her with a hot blond chick. Meanwhile Alice falls in love with the reincarnation of carpenter Ed (portrayed by 80's stud Wings Hauser). Ed is an old-fashioned workaholic who died in the electric chair 40 years earlier after he went a little berserk and killed some people that didn't allow him to finish his work. Together, Alice and Ed butcher a couple of lazy handymen and talk about dancing. How adorable! It's a pretty ridiculous film overall, with too much talking and only a couple of demented murder scenes to make up for it. The killings are similar to the ones in the 'video-nasty' cult classic "The Toolbox Murders" (a nail gun, a bench vice…) but not nearly as gross or memorable. I always thought Wings Hauser is a bit of an idiot and didn't really like him in this role, neither. His tedious speeches about how "handy-work is holy" are implausible and not exactly terrifying. The climax is just plain retarded.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Buying "The Carpenter" was all my fault, and I shouldn't have harbored the expectations that I did. I accept that. I'm not trying to blame anyone else for my misguided foul-ups. I do reserve the right, however, to curse the studio and all it represents for the various cinematic disappointments that are simply inexcusable.

The movie seemed interesting enough to me. A mysterious carpenter continues to appear in the, quote, "delirious dead of night," gruesomely eliminating any man or woman that causes the house owner grief. Yeah, yeah, great stuff.

The movie delivered, but only on certain levels. Yes, the carpenter showed up. And yes, the night always seemed slightly delirious. And you know what? There were even a number of original, if uninspired, death scenes. Great, great stuff.

Upon closer inspection, however, several glaring mistakes made themselves all too real.

Firstly, what's the deal with Wings Hauser? You've got one of the greatest character actors ever to grace the screen, and you waste his talent in such a visually lusterless role? Yeah yeah, I know. Wings Hauser sucks. Character actor? He's hardly an actor. The point I'm trying to make is that he needed to be dressed like a ghoul to make this flick a little more aesthetically appealing.

Secondly, and perhaps decisively, there's no nudity. I'm sorry, what? That's right, no nudity. There are two or three women in the film, but none strip down like they're supposed to. Several times we're offered some sort of teaser, but they never amount to anything. The very element that could have made this film is completely ignored, and "Carpenter" suffers for it.

Because of these simple mistakes, "The Carpenter" dawdles more in the twisted-romantic-drama genre and less in ceaseless, mind-numbing, bad horror like it was meant to. Sad. Very sad.

Ah well. Rent it anyway. It seems that if I can get other people to watch this crap, my life seems less desperate and lonely.

"The Carpenter" is not likely to win many fans from the guts and gore crowd. The carpentry tool killings are so over the top, that they are only going to hold interest for admirers of "black comedy". Throw in at least average acting, a story with some originality for a change, and of course a deranged Wings Hauser. Since my girlfriend didn't leave the room and kept watching, even after arms were being cut off with a circular saw, I can confirm a certain romantic angle that I didn't see coming. Without the presence of Wings, this is completely forgettable. Wings fans will not be disappointed. In good conscience I cannot recommend this as a date movie, but I do recommend "The Carpenter" as a good dark comedy. - MERK

"The Carpenter" is certainly more intelligent than many horror films out there,but it's also so mediocre.The plot is quite interesting,but the pace is rather slow and the film becomes quickly dull.There is a good deal of splatter and some gruesome killings,but really this one isn't worth your time.4 out of 10-not a classic by any means,just another mediocre Canadian horror.