Caged Fury

There are some films in this world that are just so bad that they're hilarious, and Caged Fury is one of these. The hero of the story is Dirk Ramsey, a be-mulleted kung-fu superman who attempts to rescue the inmates of a women's prison. He kicks through brick walls and tackles entire gangs with only his wits and his ridiculous wig to protect him. Dirk's one liners are cornier than extremely corny corn, and the actor playing Dirk is obviously overweight and out of shape. However, this means that the fights within the film are some of the funniest martial arts scenes ever committed to film as poor old Dirk struggles to lift his leg above his waist. Most of the actresses in the film are porn stars, and spend the movie swoonig over Dirk and his burly chum Victor. I thoroughly recommend this film for anyone who enjoys a good laugh. Make a night of it; invite some friends over, stick on some Europe or Iron Maiden and watch this movie in the context that it belongs in, a celebration of pure 1980's cheese.

When I popped "Caged Fury" into my VCR, I had no idea what to expect because I didn't have the VHS sleeve, so I thought I might be in for a kind of kick boxing movie... and I wasn't so far off. Let me explain. The film revolves around two sisters who get sent to this women's prison unjustifiably. Granted, lots of eye candy, but most of the scenes with any kind of nudity we're due to sexual harrasement and such... not much fun. Our hero is the top of the cake though. It's not explained how he is so talented at fighting, but he looked like a professional kickboxer! It was hilarious! There is no motive either for him to put his life on the line to save these two girls. Very bad though, but fun for a late night romp.

This has got to be one of the funniest films of all time; featuring the most underrated action hero ever to grace the silver screen. For those of you who have yet to watch this masterpiece, Dirk Ramsey is the MAN! He is far superior to Spiderman; his intellect makes Batman look like a dunce, while his strength, even Superman would struggle against the might that is Ramsey. And did I mention that he oozes sex appeal? Throw in sleazy Eric Estrada as his side-kick Victor, and you have all the ingredients for one hell of a viewing. Also, all the 'ladies' on offer apart from Cat and Tracey Collins, are porn stars in real life, you've gotta love this film.

Innocent women wrongly convicted when they put too much trust into the wrong man are thrown into a hellish prison, where the only break they get from the sadistic lesbians gleefully conducting cavity searches and psychotic male guards smacking them around is when they're allowed to take a long, steamy showers. Been there, done that, only "Caged Fury" has a twist, one that you'll decipher quickly enough on your own, and spend the rest of the movie wondering why the "prisoners" never catch on (the movie's explanation: women are stupid). Also, it stars Erik Estrada.

Our heroines are a pair of Utah farm girls, Cat (Roxanna Micheals) and Tracy (Elena Sahagan). Tracy is the wild sister, the one who ran off to New York and came back looking like a mad scientist's experiment to transform LaToya Jackson into Pia Zadora, but retaining a country gal's love of baseball caps and acid-wash denim. Despite their father's (Michael Parks) misgivings, Cat wants to follow in her big sister's footsteps, only she wants to go to L.A. instead of New York because she's independent that way. As she heads west in her Taurus station wagon she's flagged down by Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide), a hitch-hiker fending off a fat hick rapist. Though Rhonda has no stated itinerary, she has a contact in L.A., "fashion" photographer Buck (Blake Bahner). Girls may go for Buck's studly good looks, but they stay for his charming style, such as when he asks his guest from Utah: "Cat, as in p—sy?" The movie's other conceit: the men of Los Angeles are sleazy pigs — except Erik Estrada and Richard Barathy, who rescue Cat from a biker gang rape at the ersatz metal club Buck takes the girls to (Buck would've saved her, but he was busy sexing up Rhonda in a realistically grimy/unrealistically roomy restroom).

After Cat thanks Estrada for his chivalry with her body (hey, she pretty much HAS to), Buck takes the girls to an audition that's so intentionally cheesy the actors get eyestrain winking at the camera. But just when Cat's about to catch on that she's auditioning for—gasp!—a porn video, she and Rhonda are booked on solicitation charges and sent to prison. Lucky for Cat, her big sister Tracy's got her back. Unfortunately, Tracy's not any smarter than she is, since Tracy's plan entails getting sent to the same prison and, well, she hasn't quite worked out all the details. Guess it's up to Estrada and Barathy, the only decent men in all of L.A., to save them. Uh-oh, Estrada gets shot and spends the last act in an ambulance being tended to by a sexy nurse. So it's Barathy, with his lethal kick-boxing skills and luxurious mullet, who finally takes down the bad guys. But first, how about some lesbianism, hot showers and a cameo from Ron Jeremy?

The issue with "Caged Fury" isn't quality. It's bad, sure, but we knew that going in. But why isn't it more fun? There is evidence it's trying to be a parody in the vein of "Reform School Girls," but its humor makes the women, not the genre, the butt of the joke. What's more, "Caged Fury" has no deliciously campy performances. Ty Randolph, as the dominatrix-outfitted warden, does what she can but she's no Pat Ast or Sybil Danning; and Ron Jeremy and Erik Estrada, who have lent camp cache to other direct-to-video projects, are given little to do here. "Caged Fury" also doesn't cut it as exploitation. Director Bill Milling has several adult video credits ("A Scent of Heather," "Blonde Goddess"), but with "Caged Fury" he stays safely inside the confines of an R-rating, not even daring to push into "hard-R" territory. Yeah, you get your T&A, some full-frontal glimpses and some violence (a fork in the eyeball being the goriest set-piece), but the sex is so tame it's not even worth mentioning. A guy who directed hardcore porn skimps on the sex scenes? Guess Milling wanted people to see him as something other than a porn director, but sometimes it's best to stick with what you know.

CAGED FURY is about Kat (Roxanna Michaels) who leaves home to seek her fortune as an actress in Hollywood. A series of disastrous events land her in the slammer. This, in spite of Erik Estrada's intervention on her behalf, by using his kung fu skills on a biker gang!

Now, stripped of her street clothes and her dignity, Kat must learn to survive among her fellow inmates in their skimpy uniforms. Let the rampant nudity begin.

Of course, the prison guards are all graduates of the Marquis De Sade's school of intense charm. Dear lord! One of them is Ron Jeremy! At the top is the Warden, a demonic dominatrix with an eeevil eye for the ladies.

Can Erik Estrada, Kat's sister, and a Carlos Santana lookalike locate Kat before it's too late?

Truly, this is why cinema was invented...