- Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
- Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
- Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
- Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
- Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
- Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
- Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
- Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
- Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
- Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
- [Pats Mr. Teeny]
- Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
- Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
- Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
- Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
- Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
- Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
- Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
- Marge: [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.
- Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
- Homer: [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
- Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
- Homer: Thank you, honey.
- Lisa: By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
- Homer: Oh yeah, how does it work?
- Lisa: It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
- Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
- Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...