- Peter Plunkett: [on the phone with Jim Brogan] Sir, once again I must remind you that my first name is not "Dick". Nor is my surname "face". It is simply "Peter". "Peter Plunkett"... No, I was not given a middle name but I'm sure if I had, my mother would not have chosen "shit-for-brains peckerhead"... Well then clearly you know a side to my mother that I have been happily sheltered from. Nevertheless I marvel at your colorfully creative ever-so-American colloquialisms which flow so trippingly from your razor-like tongue!
- Martin Brogan: Tonight's the one night I turn to flesh so... what d'ya say to a wee bit o' skelpin', eh? Come on. At least tell me your name.
- [He vanishes under the sheet]
- Sharon: [She lifts up the sheet and sees his naked body] Wow!
- Martin Brogan: Oh, really? I've got the best bahookies from here to Ballinderry. Come on, what do you say? Let's give it a twirl, eh?
- Sharon: [She drops the sheet and continues filing her nails] Drop dead.
- Martin Brogan: Ooooh, God, what a woman.
- Jack: Hi, Marty!
- [surprised after Martin has come flying through the window to pin Jack to the wall]
- Martin Brogan: Where's the wife?
- [Jack points towards the stairs; Martin looks at Mary and turns back]
- Martin Brogan: Not mine, you dolt. Yours!
- Sharon: [looks over the seat at Brother Tony after everyone's clothing has been ripped off, specifically she looks at his crotch] Oh! So all the snakes weren't driven out of Ireland.
- Brother Tony: What?
- [trying to cover himself]
- Sharon: Snakes. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- [laughing hysterically]
- [Mary has just aged 200 years]
- Sharon: Jack, you threw me over for this? This... ugh! I mean I know you like passive women, Jack, but she's half dead. I hope she has a great personality, because this hurts.
- Mrs. Plunkett: Good morning, darling!
- Plunkett Senior: Good morning dear! Well, our son is an idiot!
- Mrs. Plunkett: We've known that for years, haven't we, darling?
- Plunkett Senior: Well, this time he has surpassed himself. The ghosts are furious!
- Mrs. Plunkett: Why?
- Plunkett Senior: Well, they've heard that that Jim Brogan fellow is going to move the castle to Malibu!
- Mrs. Plunkett: Oh, how nice! All that sunshine and all those movie stars!
- Plunkett Senior: No respectable ghost would live in California!
- Mrs. Plunkett: Your father's so worried, he's tearing his hair out!
- Peter Plunkett: Mother, father has been dead for a decade
- Mrs. Plunkett: And what about your grandmother? How do you think she feels?
- Peter Plunkett: Mother, grandmother is dead too!
- Mrs. Plunkett: She's still upset
- Jack: [reading from a book] "A ghost may not tup with a human." So this means a ghost cannot make love with a human being. Oh, my God!
- Jack: [as Sharon enters the room] Mary?
- Sharon: [annoyed] Who's Mary? Who's this Mary?
- Jack: She's a woman. She's a ghost.
- Sharon: [upset] Oh, Jack, don't start this ghost stuff again.
- Jack: She's someone I care about. It's funny how you can care. I think I'm falling in love...
- Sharon: Jack, don't stand there and tell me that you're having an affair with a goddamn ghost.
- Jack: Well, I am!
- Sharon: [mad] That's it! Your lawyer, my lawyer -- and I hope your ghost has a lawyer, because I want to meet him.
- Jack: [the 2 ghosts appear] Here she is! This is Mary the ghost. And that's Martin the ghost!
- Sharon: That's the man that was in my bathtub!
- Jack: [Jack and Sharon are witnessing Mary and Martin's fatal argument] They're having problems in their relationship.
- Sharon: No, Jack, we're having problems in OUR relationship.
- Peter Plunkett: [sees large bricks coming out of the wall behind him as he drinks] What is going on here? Eamon? Why are chunks of masonry floating about?
- Martin Brogan: [trying to seduce Sharon] Madam, for you I missed my wedding for the first time in years, that's how much I want you. Sure, I know I'm a ghost and a murderer but forget about all that.
- Martin Brogan: That was a dirty trick wasn't it, eh? Eh? Kicking me right in the bahoogies.
- Sharon: You were going to stab your wife with a sword, you pig.
- Martin Brogan: Ah, sure, that's no big thing. I do it every night.
- Sharon: Oh, and I suppose watching other men's wives in the bathtub is no big deal either.
- Martin Brogan: [backs Sharon against a wall] Sure, it's a grand thing if the wife happens to be you.
- [leans in for a kiss]
- Sharon: [moves away] You dirty peeping Tom.
- Martin Brogan: My name's not Thomas. It's Martin.
- Martin Brogan: [getting turned on by Sharon] Oh, God. Here, give us a wee skelp before...
- Martin Brogan: [Sharon is about to kick him in the nuts again] No, not again! You're a wily vixen, aren't ya?
- Martin Brogan: [getting turned on by Sharon] Oh, God, what a woman.
- Sharon: [getting horny] You're not so bad yourself.
- Mrs. Plunkett: [Peter is about to hang himself] Oh! Taking the easy way out, you naughty boy!
- Peter Plunkett: Mother, please! This is not easy, this is very, very difficult!
- [Mary has just aged 200 years]
- Jack: Kiss you? Maybe we should get some moisturizer first... or some medical supervision.
- [Sharon is flossing her teeth, seemingly unaware of Jack's presence]
- Jack: Now that I'm dead, I thought I'd let you know. You're as cold as a penguin on an iceberg. You're a dwarf. Yeah, clean those choppers so you can chew up the next jerk that comes along.
- Jack: [Sharon slaps him] I'm not dead?
- Sharon: No, but if I were you I wouldn't make any long-term plans!
- Peter Plunkett: If I cannot send your payment, how on earth do you expect to transport an entire castle across the sea? The number of stamps alone is mind boggling!
- Katie: [practicing their respective hauntings, to Julia] I should like to be the tart on the horse, and you could be the hag in the tree.
- Katie: But there are no bloody ghosts here!
- Peter Plunkett: I know, but there will be. We'll invent them!
- Mrs. Plunkett: [sees Jack, about Mary] You do love her, don't you?
- Jack: Yeah, I guess I do. I - I don't know.
- Mrs. Plunkett: Then what's the problem then?
- Jack: She's a ghost. She's dead, I'm alive.
- [goes amazed]
- Jack: How do you know all this?
- Mrs. Plunkett: [smiles] I'm married to one.
- Malcolm: This is the most pitiful supernatural sham that I've ever encountered!
- Peter Plunkett: We'll get better, I assure you.
- Jack: [he and Peter Plunkett are drinking hard liquor together, and becoming friends] I don't want you to lose your castle. Not to my father-in-law, he's a son-of-a-bitch.
- Peter Plunkett: Oh, my dear fellow, you're too kind. He's an unlovely combination of a son-of-a-bitch and a rat's knackers.
- Jack: What's a rat's knackers?
- Peter Plunkett: It's an unholy trinity of a muckraker, a gob-o'-shite and a whore's mount.
- Jack: The guy's a dick.
- Peter Plunkett: In a word.
- Sharon: [she is standing in the bathtub, taking a shower; the ghost of Martin appears behind her] Jack, is that you?
- Sharon: [she thinks she is talking to her hubby Jack] God, I don't know what happened to me, but I feel zonked. I've got pains all over my body. Could you rub my back?
- Sharon: [she thinks Jack is too scared to touch her, because they just had an argument] Well, go on, Jack. I won't bite.
- Sharon: [the ghost of Martin gives her a sensual back-rub; Sharon gets turned on] Oh, Jack, you never did it like THAT before. Mmmmm.
- Martin Brogan: [keeps massaging her body, talking softly to himself] Saint Patrick. Saint Jude. Saint Columcille.
- Sharon: [turns around to see a ghost; scared, she screams] Oh! Jack!
- Jack: [runs over to her, she is in the bathtub but the ghost is gone] Honey, what is it?
- Sharon: [almost hysterical] Where have you been? There was a MAN in my bathtub! A big, giant man, and he's scrubbing my back.
- Sharon: [insultingly] And it felt good! I should've known it wasn't you!
- Miranda: Father Tony... What are you doing in the pool?
- Brother Tony: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
- Miranda: So, I was seeing this guy and he's a devil worshiper, right? Well, he's a hairdresser really, but he devil-worships on the side. And we booked this dumb tour because, you know, he likes ghosts, dead gerbils, that kind of thing... and he ran off with this Bhuddist monk! I mean, how I was supposed to know he was gay? So what about you, are you gay too?
- Brother Tony: Uh, no, I'm not. I'm - I'm chaste!
- Miranda: Just kidding! Trick question!
- Katie: [hanging from the castle awning] The things I do for you!
- Peter Plunkett: [looking on as the bus recklessly drives away] Deeply appreciated... oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- Peter Plunkett: Those of you with nervous dispositions would do well to protect yourself. Lock your windows, bolt your doors, say your prayers, for tonight, they may be walking abroad...
- Jack: [Hesitatingly, as the suddenly 200 year + old Mary Plunkett Breogan tries to seduce him] I know looks aren't everything... but they can help *so* much!
- Malcolm: Plunkett! I would rather walk into town in this suit of armor and spend a night in a stable, then to spend one more second in this hellhole.
- Peter Plunkett: [speaking to the ghost of his father in the office] What did you have to give me this place for? You knew I was an incompetent! All I wanted to be was happily useless. You made me miserably useless. What did you give me this place for?
- [starts throwing papers up into the air]
- Peter Plunkett: baths to run, bills to be paid, and then dying on me, just like that! Most people give some warning, you know. Premature senility, angina, gout, bed-ridden for years... but not you. Oh, no, no, no. Healthy as an old goat, you pop off one day in the orchard. And what then? Not a god-damned word, not a whisper? Did it never occur to you I might need some advice?... I missed you Daddy
- Plunkett Senior: Aww! Give your daddy a hug...
- [goes to hug his father, and falls through him, landing on the floor]
- Plunkett Senior: Oh, sorry. Peter.