- Carlotta: Kathleen, dear, I know that impeccable taste is not your strong suit, so trust me when I tell you that cheap Mexican mosaics are entirely inappropriate as tomb décor. Unless, of course, one happens to be an Aztec.
- Big Guy: First off, I want to apologize to you for lettin' you grow up an orphan.
- Wild Bill: Oh, don't worry about that.
- Big Guy: But please do not let the mysterious circumstances surrounding your birth besmirch the character of your good and saintly mother. She was a fine woman of highest moral fiber, even though I was only privileged to know her for a few short hours.
- Carlotta: Kathleen, dear, I suggest you stay out of this or I will verbally annihilate you. I will cut you off at the knees. I will take that two-cent accent and perfectly coiffed hairdo and stuff it down your demurely concealed, but nevertheless dime store cleavage!
- Marshall: You know, Carlotta, you would have made a great ranch foreman on Big Valley.
- Carlotta: Please, Marshall, don't make me stand in another checkout line. Not even for wholesale caviar! It's a jungle out there. Fat people overflowing their rubber shoes with unkempt hair and babies that sneeze fudgsicle juice on ya!
- [Carlotta talks on the telephone]
- Carlotta: I don't care if it's a telethon for gum disease, just so long as I'm Chairperson and the press shows up!
- Carlotta: Kathleen, before you proceed with another of your sophomoric snit-fits, you should know I tied up all the family boxes so the Westchesters couldn't sit in them. You want Wild Bill and his little Bootsie swillin' beer and shellin' peanuts at the Philharmonic in a box with our name on it?
- Kathleen: Well, I don't care two hoots for this cryogenic-frozen business. I'd like to march right down to that crypt and turn up his little thermostat!
- Kathleen: I mean, how can a person date when her husband's lying a hundred yards away in a tank full of liquid nitrogen?
- Carlotta: Yes, first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related, even by marriage, to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.
- Marshall: Well, my father was not a sentimental man, so I'll just say this. Here's to Big Guy Beck. He lived for better or for worse, but he's dead for good.
- Carlotta: Stanley, until you have managed to transcend your impertinent and incredibly obnoxious James-Dean-period, I prefer that you address me only through my attorney.
- Bootsie: Listen to this riddle. "Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? Mr. Bigger's baby is a little bigger."
- Carlotta: If you refuse to pay servants, you leave us no choice but to adopt small, pliant children from underprivileged countries.
- Bootsie: It seems you only bring trouble on yourself tryin' to be somethin' that you're not. Like that man from the Enquirer that I read about who gave himself a sex-change operation and was real sorry afterwards.
- Mother B: Well, if you don't mind I think I'd just like to go upstairs and freshen up my face. You see, I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.
- Carlotta: Mother B. is totally unpredictable. There's no telling what she might do in front of that man.
- Marshall: Carlotta's right. She went to a political banquet and accused the governor of tryin' to steal a folding chair.
- Carlotta: Not to mention that time at the airport, she got a hold of a microphone and announced that TWA was out of toilet paper!
- Bootsie: Well, sometimes it's for the best when we don't win things. I read about a man who won all new wall-to-wall carpetin' that contained the teeniest unidentified larva that eventually caused him to paste a 26-foot tapeworm from his body.
- Mother B: Marshall, when you were born there was no such thing as stirrups in the delivery room. If there had been, I assure you, I would have slapped your bottom goodbye and rode right off into the sunset!
- Carlotta: I have to wonder what heinous, long-forgotten misdeed we could have committed that would merit our being saddled with a woman who wears NASA space shuttle earrings.
- Carlotta: I'm afraid I'd have to seduce Wild Bill. It's something that I would find disgusting and repugnant. But after all, I am young, voluptuous, and irresistible. And if that's what it takes to get them out of here once and for all, then I am prepared to make the sacrifice!