L'uomo puma

I pride myself in my knowledge and appreciation of bad films. Back in the late 1970s, Harry Medved wrote an amazingly funny and brilliant book called "The 50 Worst Movies of All Time" and it kicked off the craze to see and appreciate bad films. I actually found and watched all fifty of the films from the book and then went in search for more awful films and decided to try watching IMDb's infamous Bottom 100 list. Not all of them are available and several have no subtitles or dubbing, so I cannot possibly see them all. However, I've seen a huge number of them and have noticed an annoying trend--nearly all the American films on the list were skewered on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and MANY really bad films were never on this show--mostly because they couldn't get the royalties for all the films. Plus, other bad films have come out since the show ended. As a result, many absolutely horrid films NEVER appear on the list even though they are much worse than those featured on "MST 3000"...such as "Plan 9 From Outer Space", "They Saved Hitler's Brain", "Robot Monster", "The Room" and ALL of the films of Larry Buchanan, William Grefe and Ted Mikels! Clearly this list is NOT even close to being the 100 worst films...just the lowest rated and apparently the TV show's fans vote!

So is "Pumaman" worthy of being on this infamous list? Well, not...not at all. Sure, it's bad...but not THAT bad. While the story is silly and the special effects god-awful, there is a certain fun kitschy quality that made it much easier to watch than most bad films.

When the film begins, you hear about some weird Aztec-like cult that has great power--and some baddies want to destroy them and their emissary of goodness, Pumaman. But who is Pumaman? Well, no one really knows as he's soon to be revealed. Unfortunately, the dopey guy in England seems a very unlikely candidate to be a superhero...but he cannot help but believe something is up when he falls out a window yet lands safely on his feet! Soon, an American- Indian believer arrives and announces to the guy that he is Pumaman...and at around same time, so do the baddies who want to destroy him.

The plot is very much like the TV show "Americas Greatest Hero" (which it pre-dated)--with a naive new hero who has a hard time believing and then controlling his super powers...so the idea COULD have worked. Unfortunately, the film appeared to have a budget of about $64.38 when it came to special effects!! The scene where the guy falls out the window is just sad to see...as it is when he is supposedly flying. Heck, back in the 1950s "The Adventures of Superman" had MUCH better superhero effects...so why does it look so terrible in the 1980s?! And why does the musical budget appear to be even smaller--with really cheap and craptastic electronic keyboard effects that become VERY repetitious?! And, why does Donald Pleasance agree again and again to be in crappy films?! After all, he once was a respected actor!

The bottom line is that although this is a crappy and ugly looking film and the writing is occasionally very goofy, there is a grain of something NOT miserable or awful in it as well. No way would I put this in any Bottom 100 or possibly even Bottom 1000 list!

Ah, this movie is a blast. What is Donald Pleasance doing here? And why does he keep mispronouncing "puma?" It is a one star movie, but I upped it a couple of points because it is so entertaining. The main character is more like Tiggerman than Pumaman, unless bouncing is what pumas do best. He is undeserving of superherodom. He whines incessantly and has to have his Aztec (yes, I said Aztec) Boy Wonder bail him out. Still, the cheesy special effects, music and bad acting elevate the film into kitsch and there are worse ways to spend a couple of hours.

"You are the worst I have ever seen, but you are the Pumaman."

-- Vadinho

Flying over Stonehenge, a UFO drops off a magical golden mask. A voice-over alien promises that the mask will be protected by his son, and his sons after him. They will be man-gods; blessed with the infinite powers of the puma (a Puma-man, if you will).

Naturally, any device of great power must eventually fall into the wrong hands. Quicker than you can say Warrior Queen, the mask falls into the evil hands of Kobras (Donald Pleasance!). He discovers that the mask can control the human mind (not unlike Pabst Blue Ribbon), which can be very helpful when wanting to take over the world.

Unfortunately, plans for world domination are cut short when alien hieroglyphics reveal that the mask is protected. Any NE'ER-do-well who attempts to use it for evil will fall to a grisly demise by Pumaman.

So logically, Kobras must eliminate the mask's guardian. But how does one go about finding a Pumaman?

Easy. By throwing random men out skyscraper windows. If they splat, they're obviously not Pumaman.

So Kobras and his goons spend lazy summer afternoons tossing random men out skyscraper windows. On the other side of town, Vadinho, native shaman and friend to all Pumamen, does his part in finding the man-god. Not wanting to break from the tried-and-true method, he too tosses random men out skyscraper windows.

Vadinho soon comes across Tony Farms, a paleontologist working at a local museum. After Tony survives his window toss, Vadinho runs up to him, tells him he's a Pumaman, and disappears. He's just mysterious like that.

(This later segues into the obligatory: "I'm not a Pumaman" and "You are a Pumaman!" conflict, but let's skip it.)

Unfortunately, Vadinho isn't the only one who discovers Farms' hidden gift. Kobras sets his sights on the heroic paleontologist, for once the Pumaman is out of the way, nothing can stop him from taking over - the world!!! (Pronounced "verld" with an echo effect to increase menace.)

This review is part of Secret Santa, the latest B-Masters' round table. Lyz, of And You Call Yourself A Scientist! fame, drew my name. I must admit that she went fairly easy on me. Out of mercy? Charity? Who knows? Pumaman isn't a good film, but it's not that painful, either.

The acting is sub-par, but that's to be expected. Besides, Donald Pleasance is always a treat. He hams like none other: The beady eyes. The emotionless line delivery. The shiny pate. As a director, you can't go wrong with big Don.

But you can go wrong with Walter George Alton. It's nothing personal. Considering the material, he does just fine. But why get Gary Busey when you can just as easily hire Nick Nolte? Meaning, Alton wants to be Dirk Benedict so bad he can just taste it. Fresh off Battlestar Galactica, Dirk could've brought some star-power punch to the production. Or was Donald Pleasance supposed to provide the ratings' draw?

There was lots of action; fighting and what-not. I'm not talking about fancy-Schuman's wire work or characters freezing in mid-air while a bullet flies between their legs. Apparently, Pumaman likes to mix the power of B. A. Baracus with the unorthodox dork-FUD of William Shatner. We get some thug tossing (across cars, into walls, but sadly, not into dumpsters) along with a dabble of "In real life, that would've never connected." Things like Pumaman falling between the legs of an attacker, then kicking him in the chest. With the lightning speed of, say, Jackie Chan, I might be able to accept this feat. With the clumsiness of Walter George Alton, however, it proves a bit harder to swallow. And if you're going to pay homage to Shatner, everyone knows you have to throw in a weak chop to the back of the neck. It's a staple.

Perhaps a chop to the back of the neck would've prevented Our Hero from being made a fool of by Donald Pleasance. Pumaman beats on a dozen bad guys without breaking a sweat, only to be out-muscled by Donald Pleasance in the film's finale? Suspending disbelief, I can accept Pleasance as a criminal mastermind. But he's just a little too doughy to be slapping around a man-god. Unless that man-god happened to be Corey Haim.

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• Vadinho is a proud member of The Temple of the God Who Came From Other Worlds. If any organization was in desperate need of an acronym, this would be it.

• Hypnosis through shaky cam! Why spend lots of money on special effects? We'll just screw with camera lens. Nobody will know the deference.

• Pumaman spends a great deal of time flying and looking. Flying. Then looking. Then back to flying. Nothing is more exciting than bad blue-screen flight interrupted by periodic pauses to look around. It truly completes the effect.

• I can understand having a protector for a mask that could enslave the world, but it begs the question: Why bother dropping the mask off in the first place?

• The stirring love theme from Pumaman.

• Pumaman, as the name implies, is blessed with all the wondrous powers of a puma, which include:

The power of flight. The power to tear steel and crumble bricks with your bare hands. The power to telnet (I have a great story about this puma that deleted into my grandmother's bathroom in Wyoming, but for the sake of brevity, I'll refrain). The power to see in the dark. The power to punch guys really hard (my grandma was punched by said puma, but again, we should probably skip it).

-- Copyright © 2001 by J. Bannerman

Dear god. This was a terrifyingly bad movie. If ever a film made me want to hang my head in shame, this was it. Donald "All quiet on the Balding Front" Pleasence is anything but. Sydne Rome (awfully close to Syndrome isn't it? I'll she has a couple) and Walter George Alton shared a romantic moment or two that looked more like a vacuous stare at some bit of food in the others mouth. And the way the Pumaman "leaps" from building to building got me thinking of wedgies while hanging from my elementary school's jungle gym. Bottom line, I would rather have my colon examined by Jar Jar Binks than watch this movie without a healthy dose of morphine.

Pumaman has got to be one of the worst superheroes of all time. His "costume" consists of a shirt with a Aztec happy face on it, a pair of Abercrombie and Finch cargo pants, cheap pleather cowboy boots, the WWF Hardcore Championship belt (the only thing that's "hardcore" about this loser), and a fey red cape. He flies at about the same speed as the Goodyear Blimp, he can rip the top of a Jaguar but has a hard time wrestling a sixtyish fat man to the ground, he can teleport, but only to places he has been before (such as his friend's firetruck(?)), and his theme song sounds like a commercial for a personal injury attourney. Worse, he has a hulking mongoloid with a Moe Howard haircut following him around doing all his dirty work, like getting beat up by bad guys or tying Pumaman up during one of his many suicide attempts. In the same vein, the "villian", Donald Pleasance, has one of the worst evil schemes of all time: taking over the world by staring at manniquen heads through a mask mounted on a pole. Other idioic characters include Pumaman's mouth-breathing girlfriend (why she wears a leather flying helmet is beyond me) and a whole army of thugs as cannon fodder for this wuss and his Aztec. ONLY watch this on MST3K!