Island Claws

This was perhaps one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. Because it was bad (of course!). There is no reason to sit through this movie seriously like you would with "Schindler's List" or even "Fletch". Talk with your friends through it. Laugh. Make comments. PLEASE!!!! The plot involves little crabs ganging up on people and killing a few (the best scene is where all the tiny crabs manage to overturn a trailer home and catch it on fire). There's a giant paper mache-looking crab too, but I wasn't too sure of its purpose. That goes to show how bad this film was. When you don't know why they had the giant crab (it appears on the box! grrrrr! beware humans!), then it's a bad bad movie.

The screenwriters here go with a standard "recipe for disaster" scenario. A marine research lab on an island off the coast of Florida is playing with fire as they fool around with crustacean DNA. As the film opens, an accident has occurred at a nearby nuclear reactor. The stage is now set for scores of angry crabs to launch attacks on the natives - and for one mammoth crab that wreaks havoc on the town.

Roger Cormans' "Attack of the Crab Monsters" gets updated (sort-of) for the 1980s in this enjoyably cheesy thriller. It's co-written by Ricou Browning, who gained his fame playing the Creature from the Black Lagoon in underwater scenes 26 years previous. The director is Hernan Cardenas, who is no master craftsman, but adequately puts the story through its paces. The special effects are not all that special - the monster crab at the end can't do much of anything. But it's a good thing that its appearance occurs at night, which helps it to work somewhat better. Glen Robinson, who worked on the 1976 remake of "King Kong", constructed the rampaging creature.

Key to the thing succeeding at all is that none of the cast wink at the audience, or have self-referential dialogue to utter. They play it for real, which helps to sell the patent ridiculousness of the premise. Robert Lansing is the main hero, an Irish-accented bar & restaurant owner, Steve Hanks his young friend, Nita Talbot his gal pal, Jo McDonnell as a young journalist, Martina Deignan as Hanks' co-worker, and original 007 Barry Nelson (who was also in "The Shining" around this time) is the principal egghead, who realizes that he and his cohorts have helped to create a terrible problem. Look for "Friday the 13th Part 2" male lead John Furey in a small role as Deignans' boyfriend.

It's not really for hardcore horror fans - very little gore, no nudity, a low body count - but viewers who aren't too picky should have some fun. It even attempts to be somewhat topical as it drops some Haitian immigrants into the mix; they soon incur the wrath of the bigoted Joe (Tony Rigo), who thinks at first that they're responsible for everything.

Rousing music by Bill Justis and striking cinematography by James Pergola also help to make this an enjoyable offering for monster movie lovers.

Seven out of 10.

I gave this one a good rating because it is so incredibly funny. The script seems to have been run through a woodchipper before rehearsals started, and the characters are so idiotic I really wish more of them had been shredded by killer crabs. By far the best acting was done by "Trouble" the dog. Check out that great death scene with "Trouble" staggering out on the beach with ketchup poured all over him. I have to add that this movie has simply the most beautiful killer-crab effect in any movie, ever, even surpassing the giant crab in "Mysterious Island." And you have to love a crab that roars like a lion and sticks its tongue out at the camera.

Seaside community is besieged by a chemically enraged (and significantly enlarged) crab, that cuts of path of destruction and chaos. Various odd-ball characters are quickly dispatched, attracting the concerns of otherwise care-free locals, including Robert Lansing as the proprietor of the local saloon.

"Island Claws" is by no means the worst "killer animal" movie on the block; some good sets, pleasant beachside scenery and Lansing's rendition of the bemused publican with an accent from parts unknown, almost (but not quite) compensate for the $2 special effects and banal dialogue.

Throughout the movie, reference to the "mysterious" perpetrator is flagged by glimpses of a claw, or larger-than-usual sideways shuffle tracks in the sand. When the film's crowning glory is finally exposed in its entirety, it's easy to understand why the makers kept it concealed for 80 minutes. The concoction is laughable, but then, what would you expect?

Aside from Lansing, whose trademark ambivalence has been a familiar character trait in his portrayals in other films of the ilk (see "Empire of the Ants" and "The Nest"), only Barry Nelson can rate a mention for being a known quantity. All the other faces are virtual unknowns, with the exception of Nita Talbot in a frivolous supporting role.

Sometimes vaguely scary, but mostly puerile, if you happen to see a copy for less than pocket money, treat yourself and gain a new appreciation of the extent to which film-makers went to cash-in on the "killer animal" theme that was in vogue at the time.

I always feel bad when I rip on a B-movie. Most of the films in my DVD collection involve daft rubbery monsters and screaming victims. It's safe to say I don't consider myself to have a 'high bar' in terms of the movies I like and, as long as they can entertain me in one way or another, then I'm happy.

'Island Claws' is about a swarm of killer crabs on an island. Now, I've seen plenty of normal animals, always mutated to giant levels, stalking various hapless residents. So, when that's your kind of thing, killer crabs actually sound like fun.

Only there's no actual kills for roughly the first forty-five minutes and, I know the production budget isn't huge, but you'll see where it's been spent on when it comes to our clawed antagonists. There's lots of them. Some footage of real crabs has been interwoven with the anamatronic crabs created just for this. And the puppet crabs look good. In other words the look like regular crabs. But I was kind of hoping for more. Okay, so in the final act we got a - long overdue - giant crab, but there could have been at least one who shoots laser beams from his eye stalks, or something. Did I expect too much?

So the side-crawlers aren't up to much, but I guess they're a little more interesting than the humans who run around in the dark trying not to get their toes pinched by these clawed menaces.

In short, not much happens. Yes, it's a B-movie, so most of us don't expect Oscar-worthy performances, but, for all its eighties cheesiness, it's just not that fun to watch. I know remakes are often looked down on, but this is the rare occasion where I'd actually like to see one. Killer crabs is a good - but completely - silly, idea. So if it was done with a slightly higher budget and a script which knows it's tongue-in-cheek then you could actually be left with something that's quite fun.