Galaxina

... what a porn movie would look like if you took out the sex and just left in the bad dialog, cheap sets and bad acting, you would have Galaxina.

This film came out when the Original Star Wars proved there was a market for Science Fiction. This in turn lead to some gems such as Alien and a revitalized Star Trek. Unfortunately, it also led to some bad movies, and this was obviously one of them. (I say obviously, because I hadn't even heard of this film until a few days ago.I missed it when it came out in 1980.)

Here's the underlying problem. Dorothy Stratton couldn't act, so for most of the movie, they didn't even let her try. I understand her tragic death has given this film an undeserved cult status, but for the life of me I can't understand why.

Clearly, the movie tried to Spoof Star Wars, Star Trek and Aliens, but they clearly don't understand than when you spoof something, it has to be FUNNY! This movie wasn't, or at least, the comic timing on jokes that could have been funny weren't. Science Fiction is ripe for parody, as Spaceballs and Galaxy Quest proved. This movie, however, did it poorly.

Dorothy Stratten is the only reason to watch this unfunny sci-fi spoof, and her appearance is a disappointment. Though she has the title role, her screentime is limited, and she only speaks a few lines of dialogue. If you're not a Stratten fan, pass this one up.

Many people are devastated after seeing this movie, saying: how can something be so terribly un-funny? The reason for this total disaster is simple: if you want to do a science fiction parody, you have to understand the rules by which the genre works. John Carpenter did a brilliant comedy with a budget even lower than Galaxina, "Dark Star". He was familiar with the rules of the genre, that's why it worked. "Galaxy Quest" had a few hilariously funny scenes, because the movie was referring to all the cliches of SF. The people who are responsible for Galaxina obviously had no real love for the genre, it was just a futuristic setting but no substance and no concept, thus the movie became entirely empty. Empty of anything: acting, story, fun, thrill... Avoid this void.

I got this movie when I saw it for $5 at this booth where this guy was selling a lot of old DVDs from Wal-Mart's defunct DVD rental service. I knew nothing about it, but saw the title, that it was the only film role for Playboy Playmate of the Year Dorothy Stratten, and that it was put out by Rhino, so I hauled off and bought it.

It begins with a rip-off of the Star Wars crawl, which they obviously thought needed to be three long paragraphs in order to be a true parody, because it goes on forever without having much to say. What it does is tell you that this ship is traveling along with Galaxina, who is this robot shaped like a Playboy Playmate who manages this ship. Then there is a LONG shot of the expanse of the ship, also like Star Wars, and the credits go on. The credits go on forever, in fact, pausing every now and then to show Galaxina in her glowly chair (a great image, but one we end up seeing a lot of) and the ship flying through space.

What strikes one right away is how straightfaced this all is. The tone is entirely serious and somber, even when the events of the story are ridiculous, which sets it apart from other space comedies like The Ice Pirates, which I just watched, and whose music offers a clue to the wacky tone throughout. Not here.

Anyway, so we're introduced to our crew, including Sarge, who is first seen doing rows and smoking a cigar. He looks a bit like Jackson Browne. There's another, prettier guy, and Captain Corneilius Butt, who is hilariously introduced at the climax of a 2001-like build-up. They hang out for a bit, with Butt torturing a captive alien for a while, before they encounter a Darth Vader-like alien who engages then in a space fight. There they are, deadlocked and waiting for one ship's shields to fail first, and then all of a sudden it's over with no explanation and they just proceed about their business.

Now, Galaxina, who wears a white outfit that can accurately be described as "form-fitting," cannot speak, and touching her (say when you're reaching round to goose her) delivers an electric shock. Then Captain Butt eats a disgusting space egg and burps up an Alien-type creature which escapes into the ship. Then Sarge declares his love for Galaxina, and endures a painful shock just to embrace her for a moment.

They are then ordered to go fetch the Blue Star, every mention of which cues a burst on the soundtrack like upon the utterance of "Frau Bluerheher" in Young Frankenstein. They will have to go into cryosleep for 27 years to get there, and 27 more to get back, which they are justifiably annoyed about. But all is forgiven when they are offered ONE night of rec leave. What does this say about the priorities of the working classes? So they spend one night in a space brothel where they are entertained by a variety of strange female aliens. This sequence is obviously modeled on the cantina sequence from Star Wars, and features makeup that is comparable to that movie. Then into cryosleep. While in cryosleep the little alien comes out and tries to dethaw Captain Butt, but cannot figure out the code and eventually gives up with a whimper.

While the guys are in cryosleep Galaxina, who has fallen in love with Sarge, teaches herself to speak and makes her body warm and soft. Upon thawing him out she offers herself to him, saying that she'll make his every wish her command. Then she is kidnapped by space bikers who are going to sacrifice her to the god "Har Lee David Son," when she is rescued, they get the blue star, the end.

Somewhere in here is a funny commercial that says "Do you have a drinking problem? Then come on down to Happy Hour Spirits! We've got all the booze you need!" So, what of it? It's obviously a highly silly thing (that wears out its welcome after an hour—why do all movies HAVE to be at least 90 minutes?), but what's strange is that the tone throughout is sort of spacey and somber, which makes all the supposedly funny scenes and wackiness have a strange kind of hypnotic sadness and loneliness. That's the most notable thing about this movie (well, I guess aside from Stratten), but it's not really enough to make watching it worthwhile.

And what of Stratten? She is pretty and has a great body, showcased throughout, but it seems odd for a movie which seems to exist mostly to highlight her and her charms, that she remains fully covered throughout and doesn't really even do much that's outwardly sexy. Huh. Stratten is the subject of Bob Fosse's Star 80, which is now comfortably ensconced in my rental list.

There is an easter egg where you can click on the spaceship in the middle of the menu, leading you to "alien audition footage," which is really three pieces of primitive computer animation. The most convincing explanation is that some guy who worked on the DVD had these student projects in computer animation, and couldn't bear to see them just thrown out.

That's about it. Not really worth seeking out (unless you want to oogle Stratten), but not really painful to sit through. Another one of those strange oddities (and odd it definitely is) that was made… for some reason that remains unclear.

-- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

I first saw this film when I was very young, so my judgement may be clouded by youthful rose-tinted glasses ... but what the hell, I like this flick. Call me inane, puerile, sophomoric, or just plain stupid, but I laughed (and STILL do!) whenever the soundtrack does that DOO-WAH whenever the Blue Star (I'm gracing it with caps) is mentioned. I beg anyone who likes this film to seek out the budget UK PAL region 0 DVD release of this film, as it features the full uncut (and indeed this film WAS shorn of some 10 minutes of non-essential footage in some prints, including the Rhino DVD), which to boot is presented in full 2.35:1 widescreen in a jaw-droppingly pristine transfer - for my money it was gleaned from the original negative. If not, YOU explain why it looks like it was shot yesterday. Compared to more recent DTV sci-fi parodies, Galaxina holds up well and deserves a re-appraisal... but see the uncut widescreen version first!