The Nail Gun Massacre

Every horror collector worth their salt will at least have heard of The Nail Gun Massacre. It's such a tempting title isn't it? I finally gave in and bought the special edition DVD. This film is one big mess from start to finish, but you already knew that. The most interesting thing in it was breasts, big huge breasts at that! One woman has breasts so big that they're all you (and the cameraman) can focus on. The biggest problem with Nail Gun Massacre is that you can't really hear what anyone is saying, making it hard to follow. Every time someone speaks there's a horrible noise that sounds like a passing train. Perhaps this was to cover the bad acting? If anything they should have removed it and let the actors do their thing, no matter how untalented they are. At least we can laugh at them then! The sound is atrocious, half the time the background noise is louder than what people are saying. You also can't hear the supposedly "funny" lines from the killer, as the voice is too distorted.

It does have it's good moments though. You can't help but laugh at such an inept film, with scenes such as a couple 'doing it' against a tree, where all you can see is the mans white ass jiggling around. The best part for me was when the killer says to the big breasted woman: "Get inside, big tits!" And there's another hilarious scene where a woman gets hysterical and says "I'm gonna die, I know I'm gonna die!" I would say the film was worth watching just for those two scenes!

For a low budget "so bad it's good" film, The Nail Gun Massacre is nothing special. There's other low budget films that are much funnier such as The Suckling and They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore (the acting is worse than Nail Gun Massacre, yet more hilarious).

I read on the "trivia" page at IMDB that the producers demanded more nudity for the first cut of "Nail Gun Massacre". They had the right idea. It was only the nudity that kept me watching.

"But it's a slasher," I hear you say. "What about the violence? What about the KILLS?"

They're pretty lame, it has to be said. Yeah, a bunch of people get killed, unrealistically, with a nail gun. It left me wondering why the killer didn't just use a regular gun instead. I think a nailgun would be a pretty inefficient murder weapon. Though perhaps not the nailgun in this movie, which kills perhaps as efficiently as a real gun, and makes sounds like one when it fires - though never actually looks to be firing anything. There's a sound effect and then the movie cuts to the nail protuding out of someone's flesh.

The plot, eh... I dunno. A woman is apparently raped at the beginning of the movie, and then someone in army fatigues and a motorbike helmet that seems to contain some kind of voice distortion device goes around killing people with a nail gun. He should have lent his device to the other actors. Their dialogue is often inaudible, so badly was it recorded.

Often the killer's victims are surprised while having sex, which in at least one scene is surprisingly graphic. Slashers are pretty much expected to have flashes of nudity, but actually only rarely do they show simulated sex. This one also has full-frontal male nudity, as well as female.

And then it's over, totally forgettably. It was probably supposed to be a surprise when the mask came off, but I didn't even recognize the actor underneath. Had he been in the movie before? Who knows? Who cares?

Just on the off-chance that anyone might be actually looking for a review for this hideous, wretched little movie, here it is. This movie was made on a budget that couldn't have realistically exceeded $300.00. Seriously. Hershey's syrup gore, rubber nails, cheap, synthy music at the most inappropriate of times, and so much more. The very beginning of this film treats us to what has to be the world's least realistic rape scene ever. (and I am by no means an advocate for rape, but this was just silly) From there, the Nail Gun killer (portrayed masterfully on the box's hand-drawn cover as a guy with his crotch hiked up to comical proportions), a nasty little guy decked out in what appears to be a biker helmet held together with duck tape, some camoflage, and a nail gun with a big, yellow curly-cord which kinda defeats the purpose of camo if you've got a big yellow cord hanging off your back.. proceeds to "slaughter" some backwoods morons, nails a man in the crotch, (who just moans and groans, sort of like Al Johnson from the band U.S. Maple. I'm pretty sure I'd do more than just a little bit of whining if somebody nailed my equipment point-blank) and goes around saying witty things like, "Nailed ya," or something stupid like that. Oh yeah, he drives around an inconspicuous GOLD Herze, too. You see this same Herze parked at a shop where the soon (but not soon enough, as the film proceeds for another 90 minutes)-to-be-revealed killer works, so I guess the filmmakers wanted the viewer to use their deductive reasoning skills. I kinda wish I'd have used my deductive reasoning skills and not wasted $1.08 on this trash.

Also worth mentioning: the killer's voice (they ran it through a synthesizer to make it sound deep and scary. that, and he laughs a lot. mwa ha ha! kinda like that) the killer's running ability (not suprisingly, the killer's stunt doubles were all women. while watching it I'd figured the person actually running in the killer's costume was a 12 year old boy.) the gratuitous, skanky t&a (lots of that good old fashioned 80's skank, too. huge hair, make-up applied 3 & 4 layers at a time, tan lines.. bliss) and finally, the old man (I don't know who this old coot was or where director Terry "T.L." Lofton found him, but god love him he was the best thing in the movie.) There is so much more to this horrible movie that I can't spoil (or can't remember because I've blocked it out of my mind) for you so it's definitely recommended if you're looking for a bad time.

Man, what would we do without ultra low budget Slasher flicks? "The Nail Gun Massacre" sounds as an obvious spoof to the great legendary "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" but no, Nail Gun tries too hard to be taken seriously. Sadly, with a budget of about $100, AWFUL acting, and poor direction you can't take it seriously. I watched this long time ago on USA NETWORK and I think I was lucky because many people say that it's pretty hard to find it nowadays.

Watch it for what it is, and you will at least watch it's complete running time.. If you're fan of cheap gore f/x and poor killing scenes you might enjoy it. But beware, the movie is very boring and there are no highlights except the opening scene.

"The Nail Gun Massacre" is everything it sounds like—a psychopath is roaming the backwoods of Texas with a souped-up nail gun, turning men and women into human pincushions. Could it be related to a brutal rape that occurred some six months prior? An obvious riff in title on "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" and boasting an opening rape scene unabashedly culled from "I Spit on Your Grave," "The Nail Gun Massacre" is an unabashedly derivative mid-80s riff on slasher conventions, pulled together on a shoestring budget.

As bad as it sounds, I feel that this film has gotten a lot of heat from web critics who aren't really taking it on its own terms—this is not Bergman, Tarkovsky, or Kubrick—it isn't high art. It's a film whose singular distinguishing element is that its killer's weapon of choice is a nail gun. My point being, "The Nail Gun Massacre" doesn't claim to be anything other than what it is, and most horror audiences (especially those who have a taste for these older exploitation films) should know this.

That aside, the film is not a technical masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. The murder scenes are surprisingly better than one would expect given the shoestring budget, and never cease to be elaborate or grotesque. A pulsing synth score accompanies most of the scenes, and is admittedly a bit overbearing, while the killer hurls goofy one-liners at the victims in an inexplicable robot voice. The acting overall is bad, but passable by eighties slasher standards. Most of the men are buffoons, and the women prancing around naked. In spite of those caveats though, the film does capture the quiet backwoods of Texas rather effectively, and it is an extremely atmospheric film given all of its shortcomings. The photography of the woods captures a strange foreboding that, whether intentional or just a happy accident, is far more nuanced than anything else about the film.

All in all, "The Nail Gun Massacre" is, at least as far as eighties slashers go, not nearly as bad of a film as some may lead you to believe. It's schlocky, gratuitous, and at times badly acted, but isn't that what we love these films for? It at least has the distinguishing feature of a nail gun- obsessed killer, and it also excels at capturing the dreariness of sleepy backwoods Texas, which is more than one would necessarily expect. 5/10.