Weekend Pass

It beats Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Gone With The Wind and The Wizard of Oz as the world's finest example of cinematic craftwork. And if you believe that, I have a voting machine from South Florida I'd like to sell you. P.T. Barnum was right.

In what sounds like the perfect recipe for an 80s sex comedy, four naval recruits get a weekend pass and head to Los Angeles for 72 hours of fun. Unfortunately, 'fun' in this case consists largely of driving aimlessly around town in a jeep, getting in a scrap with a badly dressed street gang, visiting the world's worst comedy club, and busting some moves at an aerobics themed party (WARNING: this film contains scenes of gratuitous body popping and gaudy spandex outfits which may cause uncontrollable hysteria and/or feelings of nausea).

The weekend's more risqué activities are limited to a quick visit to a strip joint, hiring a topless masseuse (the only one in LA who doesn't offer extras!), and for one member of the group, almost getting jiggy with an ex-girlfriend (the fool chickens out when he realises that she is more experienced in the sack than he is). Not much to boast about when they get back to base, then.

By the end of their not very wild weekend, each guy has successfully hooked up with a 'nice' girl, meaning that they've had zero nookie, and that anyone unfortunate enough to have watched this wretched bilge has had zero fun.

Three navy guys - a nerd (they have those in the navy?) a handsome jock type, and a black guy, have a "weekend pass" in the city.

Surprise surprise, they visit a strip club first, so that the movie can get some bare breasts in. Then it quickly loses its momentum and we stop feeling like we're along for the ride.

There is a scene where the nerd has a massage from an Asian lady, who takes her top off.

Then there is no more nudity.

The black guy turns out to be an ex-gang member, who has to fight with the now-gang leader.

There is an endless scene where they go to another club and see comedians on stage, none of whom are funny, but nor are they supposed to be. Poor, ill-fated Phil Hartman makes a cameo appearance. We get it: these comedians aren't funny. Why do they have to go on for so long? Why do there have to be so many of them?

One of the handsome jock navy guys (I thought there was only one?) goes back to a hotel room with some lady, who takes her top off in the movie's third scene of nudity, after 30-40 minutes of fully clothed people.

The movie has titles announcing the day and time of each series of scenes. I wonder if they added that after realising the movie has no sense of the passage of time, despite supposedly taking place over one weekend.

"Weekend Pass" may not be funny or sexy, but it's not as bad as most of these '80s boob comedies. The characters may be mostly out to get laid, but at least they end up finding women they connect with on a deeper level. I could have done without the black guy fighting with the gang leader, though. That was like a throwback to '70s exploitation flicks... but not in a good way.

"Weekend Pass" did pretty well at the box office for a low budget youth comedy with no big stars in its cast. However, it's all but forgotten today. Watching it, it's pretty easy to figure out why it hasn't built even a minor cult. There's no real story here - it's just a bunch of vignettes that have little to no relationship with each other. There are a number of attempts at humor, but they all fall completely flat. The musical score is pretty bad - I'm sure even audiences in 1984 thought the music was sub par. And while there is some T & A, none of the characters actually gets lucky, at least on screen.

Still, I have to admit that the movie is not COMPLETELY terrible. The production values are pretty good for a low budget movie, taking us to a number of places that include some L.A. locations you don't usually see in a B movie. The four main characters come across as pretty likable guys, supporting each other and having warm personalities. And the final sequence has a surprising amount of emotion. I'm not saying this stuff saves the movie, but it helps to make the viewing experience less painful than you may be expecting.

Torture isn't pretty. It hurts, and frankly, I wouldn't recommend it. So, in the same thought, I wouldn't recommend WEEKEND PASS. Four young, nubile sailors set out on a (dare I say?) weekend pass. The aftermath: 88 minutes of sheer, mindless, pathetic, depressing boredom.

How this inescapably bad film ever received theatrical release, is beyond the wisdom of Solomon. Whoever was the studio exec that approved this, has probably moved on to a new line of work.

The acting is appalling. The script seems as if it were written by some fifteen year old students, who really thought they were being clever. I'd rather watch someone tripping on bad acid. Just AWFUL. Gentle viewer, you have been warned.

NOT RECOMMENDED.