- Lois Scagliani: Why do you hate the Phi Beta sorority so much? Is it something buried deep in your past, some dark secret that you've carried with you all these years like an unhealed scar?
- Dean Hunta: No. It's just another example of senseless random violence perpetrated against the underdog.
- Lois Scagliani: Oh, well, that clears that up.
- Dean Hunta: This had better be important, Carl. I told you I don't want to be disturbed.
- Carl: I know you don't WANT to be disturbed, but let's face it, you are!
- Midge: So are you looking forward to playing basketball in your birthday suits, girls?
- Fern Hymenstein: What?
- Gina: That's the name of the game, baby: Strip-Basketball. It's very simple. You make a basket, we take something off. We make a basket, you take something off.
- Fern Hymenstein: So come on, where are all your players? We can't play with ourselves.
- Midge: Want me to show you how?
- Mr. Tooth: This is my girlfriend, Miss Toothpaste. Just squeeze her from the bottom and, boy, does she put out!
- Harvey Hunta: Oh God, let this hallucination go on forever and I promise I'll never pay my income tax late again!
- Gina: Hmmm, well yes, ladies and gentleman, as you can see the atmosphere here is charged - mostly because the girls couldn't afford cash.
- Referee: [At the wrestling match] Rule #1: Any team caught plugging thier opponant's bowling balls with chewing gum will not be eligible for the grand prize.
- Referee: [At the basketball game] Okay girls, you know the rules. No dirty stuff, no pullin' the face mask, no hittin' below the belt and the most important rule, no radio playing.
- Rosa Napoliani: Say Vito, she's five minutes late. What could happen in five minutes?
- Vito Napoliani: What can happen in five minutes? I'll tell you what can happen in five minutes, Rosa: BANG! How long did that take?
- Dean Hunta: I've been doing some thinking... You do understand the word 'thinking,' Scagliani?
- Lois Scagliani: Thinking: a conjugated verb meaning to ponder or mull.
- Supermarket Girl: Drop dead.
- Vinnie Mamabasta: I wish you hadn't said that but, look, how were you supposed to know I only got... 48 days to live?
- Supermarket Girl: What? You only have 48 days to live?
- Vinnie Mamabasta: Well, 51 counting legal holidays.
- Warwick: Look, either Susie goes out with me or I'm gonna personally flush you down the toilet limb-by-limb.
- Chuck: Warwick, give me a break, okay? I just manage the band, alright? I don't run their personal lives.
- Warwick: You know, you make a reasonable point there, Chuck. I'm being irrational. You're not the object of my anger, I'm merely displacing it on you because, well... because you're convenient. It's my own sense of inadequacy that disturbs me. Now if I'm going to deal with this thing maturely, I'm just gonna have to handle it all on my own.
- Tweeter: I got a bootleg tape in here of The Strawberry Alarm Clock jammin' with Jerry Vale. Do you got any idea how much that's worth?