Heavenly Bodies

"Heavenly bodies" (1984) was Canada's answer to 1983's "Flashdance." Not that it's a rip-off, because the stories are totally different. In "Heavenly Bodies" three women decide to start a fitness club that specializes in aerobic with intentions of eventually purchasing the building they lease. When the building is bought out from under them by a competing fitness center, the main protagonist, Samantha Blair (Cynthia Dale), issues a challenge -- a dance-aerobics competition -- with the building as the prize.

Some have lambasted "Heavenly Bodies" as the "worst film ever made," "bad cinema" and "heavily campy," but actually none of these criticisms are true. Films should be evaluated according to what they aspire to be and, consequently, no genre is beyond redemption or beneath contempt. "Heavenly Bodies" never aspired to be "Ghandi" or "Out of Africa." It's a sports film focusing on aerobics for cryin' out loud. The question is: Does it deliver on that level? Yes, in spades.

What is required in a aerobics sports flick from 1984? Quality characters, heavenly bodies (sorry), energetic music, kinetic direction, a story that keeps your attention and a film that generally keeps your blood pumping, right? "Heavenly Bodies" scores well in all these areas. For instance, Cynthia Dale is a great protagonist for this type of flick; she's cute, winsome, sprightly and insanely curvaceous. Although Jennifer Beals was fine in "Flashdance," Cynthia easily surpasses her. And Cynthia is only one of the numerous shapely women featured throughout. There are guys too, of course, for those who care.

The criticisms that "Heavenly Bodies" is "bad cinema" and "heavily campy" are based solely on the fact that the film is from 1984 and involves aerobics. Aerobics was a fad that goes by different names today and the attire & hairstyles are naturally dated, which make the film an easy target for contempt. But this does not make it bad filmmaking or campy in the least. As far as "heavily campy" goes, there's nothing artlessly mannered or self-consciously artificial in the story or performances; and there's nothing remotely campy in the sense of, say, the 60's "Batman" TV series. The story and actors play it straight throughout. Do these critics even know what 'camp' is?

The film runs a short-and-sweet 90 minutes and was shot in Toronto.

FINAL WORD: Don't listen to those who rip on "Heavenly Bodies" as a bad, campy film. It's at least as good as "Flashdance" and IMHO far better. Cynthia Dale is a great protagonist with a charming presence, a well-rounded perfect figure and excellent dance/gymnastic skills, not to mention the myriad of other 'heavenly bodies' throughout. It also has energetic (albeit dated) music, solid characters, limited dialogue, flashy directing and an entertaining story. What more could you ask for in a film of this ilk?

Unfortunately the film is only available on VHS as of this writing.

GRADE: B+ or A-

Single mom Samantha Blair (Cynthia Dale) opens a small aerobics studio called Heavenly Bodies. When Samantha beats out a rival aerobics instructor for a job hosting a local TV station's fitness show, the woman sets out to destroy Heavenly Bodies. It's a feud for the ages that will be decided with an epic workout marathon.

Despite the suggestive title and the fact this was co-produced by Playboy, there's surprisingly little in this one would call sexy. The dancercise numbers are more laugh-inducing than boner-inducing. Still, Cynthia Dale is a cutie and does an admirable job with the exercise choreography. The boy playing her son is a poor little actor. The football player love interest is played by Richard Rebiere. Pretty sad if that's the best Canada had to offer in 1984. Their sex scene, intercut with an aerobics workout, is pretty funny. Generic '80s pop music litters the movie. It wasn't particularly good but damned if some of it wasn't stuck in my head for hours afterwards. The movie's about as filling as cotton candy. However, it does have some unintentional comedy. The best part is the workout marathon. It's pretty hard to get a Rocky/Karate Kid moment out of aerobics but they sure as hell try.

Canadian movie producer Robert Lantos (who produced this movie) has basically proclaimed himself as a savior of Canadian film, though oddly he has made plenty of movies not set in Canada, or set in some anonymous North American location. And virtually all his mass market movies - including this one - are not set in Canada! What's the matter, Lantos, can't Canada have any fun? Actually, I am glad that this movie was set in the United States, because it's pretty awful and I'd hate foreigners knowing this movie was Canadian. There's plenty of reasons why this movie is tough to sit through - there's almost no plot, the characters are given almost no development, and the movie is one endless workout sequence after the other. If you're thinking there's plenty of sex and nudity because Playboy helped produce the movie, think again - there's almost none of that stuff. I can't see anyone finding this movie appealing, so it's no wonder this movie was out of theaters quickly despite the distributor treating it as a major release.

I howled with laughter all the way through this silly, childish "Flashdance" rip-off. It's a definite contender to the list of "so bad, it's good" flicks, although it's probably too obscure to be widely known. The acting is pretty hideous and the script is packed with of some of the most unintentionally hilarious dialogue you'll hear anywhere. "Flashdance" had many of the same qualities, but this makes "Flashdance" look like high art in comparison!!

More laughs than the average comedy.

Going nowhere in her desk job, cute single mom Cynthia Dale (as Samantha "Sam" Blair) decides to open an exercise club. She rents a warehouse and calls it "Heavenly Bodies". Romance shines on Ms. Dale in the form of blond football player Richard Rebiere (as Steve). When the fitness craze blankets North America, a TV station hires Dale to host an exercise show. She edges out cute blonde Laura Henry (as Debbie Martin), who works at a rival club. It's only a local TV show, but Ms. Henry is more than miffed. She decides to shut down "Heavenly Bodies", with help from her lover Walter George Alton (as Jack Pearson). When one lover says to the other, "I heard you got shortchanged between your legs," we have a fist-fight. It all climaxes with a "workout marathon" between the two fitness clubs. The winning team gets "Heavenly Bodies". Director Lawrence Dane generously shows off many well-proportioned young women jumping around the screen, in tight work-outfits. You might get dizzy watching them.

**** Heavenly Bodies (12/15/84) Lawrence Dane ~ Cynthia Dale, Richard Rebiere, Laura Henry, Walter George Alton