Starflight: The Plane That Couldn't Land

This might have been made in 1983 but it carries the smell of a leftover of the 70s disaster film genre and their many TV knockoffs (director Jerry Jameson being responsible among other things for "Airport 77") with the long litany of big names in the cast and cliche filled subplots. Indeed, "Starflight" is really just a reworking of the 1977 TV-movie "SST: Disaster In The Sky" when you get down to it only this time we have the silly wrinkle of a hypersonic plane getting forced into orbit somehow by accident. There then follows the hilarious implausibility of a single space shuttle that is somehow able to be launched at a moment's notice, then land and relaunch within a couple hours (it actually takes days to get a shuttle hooked up to a new external tank and rocket boosters and then get rolled out to the launch pad). And then get a load of this: Pilot Lee Majors is insistent that the entire crew stay aboard to the end, stewardesses included, but oops, when it comes to the stewardess that he's shacking up with (Lauren Hutton) he makes darn certain that she alone among the crew gets a privileged pass off the ship before the moment of danger comes in re-entry! Guess the moral of the story is if you want to avoid the danger of possible death, make certain you're sleeping around with the people in authority.

And by the way "Goulash" from Bombay, if you're a real person who really loved this movie that much, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.....

You will find parts of this movie, little segments of it, embarrassingly funny. When I first saw it in 84, it was engrossing. When watching it back I 2003, I just found it pretty pathetic, and felt a schmuck for watching back in the eighties. But they were very cheesy and dark times. The same goes for those Airport films, me and Dad ribtickling ourselves over them. What we've got here is a fictional, what if scenario, about a hyposonic airplane, a Concorde shuttle that can make the distance from Los Angeles to Sydney in two hours. In no way is a two second exterior shot of Sydney airport, Sydney airport. What cheek. We have a good cast here too, notably Linden and Majors, one of many few films he did. While in the air, a rocket has exploded sending hulks of a metal careering towards the super cool airplane. Forced to rear up, drastically, they caught in orbit, for which there is no way to return. I remember in olden days, this got incredibly tense. And when the plane set down again, a relief came over me, although a score of passengers got lost in one of those shutes that blew up. But you just take Starflight One for what is it, a guilty cheesy, eighties pleasure, for the whole family, with unintentional laughs here and there.

A mess. It really says a lot about the genre that Airplane! Is the most well-remembered disaster film to come out in the 1970s. This is basically Airplane! In space, which I realize is the plot of Airplane II: The Sequel. Why anyone would want to make a more serious version of Airplane II the year after that film's release is beyond me.

It starts off with a general inability to set a compelling tone and continues from there in fits and starts of non-action and non-plot. Non-sense eventually joins, too, as there really doesn't seem to be much concern about running out of oxygen or the passengers getting hypothermia or anything like that. Just don't bother.

In the tradition of the big disaster films of the 1970's, STARFLIGHT ONE: THE PLANE THAT COULDN'T LAND boasts an "all-star" cast of 1970's-80's movie and TV luminaries. Hal Linden is the designer of the air / spacecraft, Lee Majors is the pilot, Lauren Hutton plays a passenger.

The supersonic mega-jet is on its maiden voyage from Australia to Los Angeles. Shockingly, things go horribly awry, and remarkably soon too, as hurtling space junk threatens to destroy the plane! The real fun begins when the pilot is forced to fly into space, resulting in zero gravity! Yep, it's floating time inside the craft!

Meanwhile, the ground crew is unable to help, while cranky, old Ray Milland grumbles and frowns.

When a shuttle is dispatched to assist, tragedy strikes, sending an extraneous extra sailing away to his doom. After seeing enough of these sort of films, one can pretty well guess what will happen next. This made-for-TV effort is a by-the-numbers disaster epic that still manages to suffer from long stretches of inexplicable dullness. Don't worry, further catastrophes await. Thankfully, Pilot Lee Majors and passenger Lauren Hutton reconnect emotionally.

BEST SCENE: When Hal Linden is sealed in a coffin (!!) and carried through space to the shuttle!

Don't miss the boffo finale! It makes up for most of the past hour and 50 minutes...

In fact I think this was a KTMA episode. But one scene that stands out in my mind indelibly is the one where Hal Linden's character is spirited off Starflight by sticking him in the coffin that was transporting the Australian ambassador to the US back home for burial or some such, and the body is stiff as a board (or a mannequin) after being removed from the casket and floats around the cargo hold wearing the pointiest shoes I've ever seen . Somehow I don't think a casket is airtight enough to survive the rigors of spaceflight!