Mitchell

I had watched "Mitchell" many many times on MST3K and had basically memorized the entire show out of love. One day my brother and I were talking about a local diner/bowling alley in Woodland Hills, California -- "Woodlake Bowl" -- and we were remarking how much our dad liked it and how it wasn't what it once was. My brother said, "You know who I see whenever I go there? Joe Don Baker." I was thrilled to hear this but next time I went to the Woodlake Bowl for lunch with my Dad, I wasn't thinking I'd see Joe Don. It was a rainy day and as I exited my car and waited for my Dad to get out of the passenger side, an aged Datsun 240Z with cracked and fading paint pulled up in the spot next to mine. I started walking in a minute or so later and then I heard from behind me - in an unmistakable boomy Texas drawl: "YOUR HEADLIGHTS IS ON." I turned around to stare Joe Don face-to-face! I was starstruck, like I had met Brad Pitt or Marilyn Monroe or something. It was raining and Joe Don was in a long coat and droopy hat. And yes, he said "is on", not "are on"! I thanked him and he went on his way. I couldn't help but think of his face and of MST3K's description of him: "A melting bear". It was spot-on. As I walked past his rust-bucket 240Z, I couldn't help but have a peek inside. I remember the interior was just as bad as the exterior and he had a lot of softball equipment under the hatchback. I sort of imagined Joe Don as a little-league softball coach at that point and for all I know he is! But overall I was left with the feeling he was a lonely bachelor type who ate meals alone at a divey diner every day and drove a junkbox of a car -- hey, sounds like Mitchell! But seriously, I felt he is too much maligned as he seemed like a melancholy but nice guy. You go, Joe Don!

Joe Don Baker plays a police detective with an affinity for booze and blondes and not much else. His life is miserable. One finds oneself wondering why anyone would want to tell the story of someone so unhappy and why we the audience are spending 90 minutes of our lives being exposed to his misery.

Despite his lack of personal morals in his own life, and his inability to engender anything more than disdain from his fellow coworkers, somehow Baker has acquired a near zero-tolerance for any criminal behavior among other people. He's simultaneously amoral and noble, and we the audience are left wondering why, because the script never manages to explain it for us. There's very little to love about Mitchell, but Baker manages to muddle through the script nonetheless; not an easy job for any actor. Baker should have received an award for tolerating the terribly written script that was given him.

The film is more like a failed pilot for television than an actual silver screen cop action movie. The plot is difficult to describe without the use of censorable and colorful adjectives. There appears to be at least two different plots going at the same time, and the plot with John Saxton in it starts the film but then peters out about halfway through. The other plot involves Baker sitting outside a rich guy's house because he's somehow involved in drug smuggling, and eventually finding himself being beat up and shot at. He's even accosted verbally by a young child on a skateboard. Attempts at humor abound, but nothing seems to really engender a good laugh. Linda Evans uneventfully plays a prostitute who is hired to make love with Mitchell, and for some strange reason falls in love with him despite the audience's inability to comprehend why.

Mitchell features what is perhaps the slowest car chase in the history of cinema, and that alone is worth watching the film for true action flick fans, if nothing more than to see what film makers should never do. Mitchell acquired a renewal of sorts in the form of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the mid-90s, when the film was featured as the form of torture used by mad scientists on an innocent Joel Robinson and his lovable robots. This particular episode of MST3K is the turning point of that series, because it's the one where Joel Hodgson left the series and was replaced by head writer Mike Nelson. So all fans of MST3K hold a special place in their hearts for this, the worst cop flick ever.

Mitchell the cop is a slobby, beer guzzling, mass eating, uncharismatic cop who taunts children by stooping to their level, sleeps with his prostitute girlfriend (Linda Evans? Why?) and busts her when done (Community service, I guess?), and somehow, in God's mercy I suppose, nabs the bad guy at the end of the film. What a hero. What a guy.

Take all that, add a lame, one-dimensional bad guy and equally as weak supporting characters, a bland "been there too many times, even for the '70's" plot, and an unforgettable theme song "My, my, my, my Mitchell", and you have this movie. Joe Don Baker's cinematic opus.

Yet this film makes me laugh every time. Simply put: This movie is a hoot.

Then again, I could never watch this film without the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" treatment. Even I don't have that much self-loathing. I could see why Joel would jump ship after this one. It's a completely ridiculous film, but it remains in my video library. Maybe it's the Johnny Mathis look-alike villain, maybe because it's the bane of all that is considered good taste. One of the few films that I can somehow manage to simultaneously almost kind of recommend, yet warn people to stay away from like the plague. That's the kind of movie "Mitchell" is. Check it out for yourself. Or not.

What a wonderful episode of MST3K. What a horrible, horrible movie. In the context of his later effort, "Final Justice," Joe Don Baker turned in the same wooden, devil-may-care-and-I-certainly-don't performance in the two movies. There is a difference, however. "Final Justice" did not feature the noticeably large Joe Don in bed with Linda Evans and a bottle of baby oil. Whoever thought Joe Don was a sex symbol needed to be hung from a particularly sensitive part of the anatomy.

It is disgusting to note that in the un-MSTed (and thus, unedited) version, we are treated to the sight of Joe Don on the phone with someone, I forget exactly whom, and Linda Evans' head in the vicinity of Joe Don's groin (the one redeeming characteristic is that whatever is going on is obscured by the bed). Needless to say, I have been traumatized for life.

In conclusion, do NOT watch this movie unless you have the cast of MST helping you out. If you do, prepare for deep hurting.

Ok, like most people, I was introduced to "Mitchell" via the comedy genius of Mystery Science Theater. It's one of my favorite episodes of the Joel era. However, I have recently seen the original un-MSTied verison of "Mitchell" and I can saw, it's really not all that bad. It's not good mind you, but it's no "Manos". The problem is they squeezed about an hour's worth of material into a 97 minute movie. And let's not forget, Mitchell is supposed to be unlikable. He's an anti-hero, something not often seen in American movies. Joe Don Baker did a decent job in this given the limitations of the material.