- Theodore Ogelvie: You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain't got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.
- Townsman: [Dusty and Donovan are in the middle of their bar room brawl] What happened with them two?
- Sheriff McCoy: They got married.
- Theodore Ogelvie: You know something, Amos?
- Amos Tucker: Huh?
- Theodore Ogelvie: We got to make a decision.
- Amos Tucker: What?
- Theodore Oglivie: Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?
- Amos Tucker: Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory?
- Theodore Oglivie: Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard?
- Amos Tucker: You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad.
- Celia Bradley: Mr. Donovan, I gotta go.
- Russell Donovan: [beat] But you just went.
- Celia Bradley: I gotta go again.
- Russell Donovan: That's impossible! Go to sleep.
- Celia Bradley: I'm gonna have an accident!
- Amos Tucker: How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him?
- Theodore Ogelvie: About five hundred.
- Amos Tucker: Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece!
- Sheriff Homer McCoy: If you need a haircut, Wintle, my barbershop's closed. If you're lookin' to sue somebody, my court's open every Tuesday. If you want the sheriff, I'm playin' poker. Deuces bet a dollar.
- Theodore: You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I - I just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always.
- Sheriff McCoy: You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.
- Theodore: Oh. Thank you.
- [Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]
- Theodore: Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?
- Amos: Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.
- Sheriff McCoy: Dusty's a fine specimen of womanhood! I seen her get caught in a cloudburst once, and I wanna to tell you!
- Dusty: Donovan? Yes you, you snake oil salesman! Are you coming out here or am I coming in there?
- Russell Donovan: What's the matter, Dusty? Is there some trouble?
- Dusty: Yes, there's trouble all right! And you're in it!
- Russell Donovan: [coming to after Dusty knocks him out with a spitoon and sees her coming at him again] Dusty! Dusty! Would you just tell me what's bothering you?!
- Dusty: [grabbing Donovan by the jacket] That bed! That great, big, brass bed! If you had no intention of exercising your husbandly prerogatives, why'd you buy that bed?
- Russell Donovan: That's it? The *bed*?
- Dusty: *Yes*!
- Russell Donovan: [holds her hands away from him] The bed happens to be for the kids, Dusty. When the nights are getting colder, they'll need a *warmer* place to sleep. So the brass bed is for the boys, and the smaller bed is for *Celia*!
- Dusty: [sweetly] Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, then we could have avoided this little misunderstanding.
- [frees her hands and walks through the mess in the bar over to the door where Celia is sitting]
- Dusty: [takes her hand] Come along, Celia. This is no place for a lady.
- Theodore Oglivie: Amos, that's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.
- Amos Tucker: I know.
- Theodore Ogelvie: Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.
- Amos Tucker: I know.
- Theodore Oglivie: And you burnt my hand, Amos.
- Amos Tucker: Well, I'm sorry about that.
- Theodore Oglivie: And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!
- Amos Tucker: Well, I can fix that.
- Theodore Oglivie: [suddenly blows his top] Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?
- Amos Tucker: Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.
- Theodore Oglivie: Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed-wire fence!
- Amos Tucker: Theodore?
- Theodore Oglivie: That head of yours wouldn't hold straw!
- Amos Tucker: Theodore?
- Theodore Oglivie: You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail!
- Homer McCoy: Welcome to Quake City, Donovan. Looks like luck is against you.
- Russell Donovan: Well, there's one good thing about luck - it always changes. And I got a feeling mine is just around the corner.
- John Wintle: Donovan! I haven't seen you since, ah...
- Russell Donovan: Santa Fe.
- John Wintle: Right!
- Russell Donovan: When you sold me the Marshal's horse.
- John Wintle: Right. I was just funnin', Donovan.
- Russell Donovan: The Marshal wasn't amused.
- Homer McCoy: This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
- Theodore Oglivie: Not guilty?
- Homer McCoy: Guilty!
- Amos Tucker: That was the wrong one.
- Homer McCoy: This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out.
- [Amos and Ted are let out of the cage]
- Homer McCoy: Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.
- Frank Stillwell: Anytime you got one of them down-home sheriffs, you always got a town full of vigilantes.
- Homer McCoy: I've never teamed two more unlikely prospects. You two go together like ice cream and whiskey. But I guess you'd be man and wife same as regular people, and nobody could say different.
- Homer McCoy: Donovan, this is just a half portion of a town, but we do have certain what you might call rules to live by! You don't jump another man's claim; you don't steal his wife, woman or whiskey; you don't strike a bargain and then entertain second thoughts about the matter. Any one of these offenses could make you the exalted guest of honor at a hemp party.
- Sheriff McCoy: That's two bits.
- Barbershop Customer: But I've only got half a shave!
- Sheriff McCoy: A whole shave's four bits. Now git before I fine you for loitering.
- Dusty: Donovan? I'm sorry I hit you in the head with the spitoon.
- Russell Donovan: [smiles] A perfectly logical misunderstanding. And I'm sorry I offered to buy you a drink in the saloon, too.
- Dusty: A perfectly logical misunderstanding.
- Russell Donovan: Well, I wouldn't make that mistake again.
- Dusty: You wouldn't?
- Russell Donovan: [steps closer, looks as if he's about to kiss her - then he shakes her hand instead] Good luck, Dusty.
- Clovis: What's that?
- Russell Donovan: Salt pork.
- [beat]
- Russell Donovan: I think.
- Clovis: It looks like fat.
- Russell Donovan: Well, whatever it, it's dinner.
- Clovis: [disgusted] That's dinner?
- Russell Donovan: That's dinner!
- Donovan: [Donovan's been trying all day to pawn the orphans off on someone else] Ah, the lady of the house!
- Mrs. Stockley: [drops her empty gin bottle and it shatters] Kids, yick!
- Donovan: The children are marvelous about parties. They love parties themselves!
- Mrs. Stockley: [to her husband as she drags him back inside and starts to close the door on him] Come on!
- Donovan: If you'd just take one small look...
- [she slams the door]
- Bobby: Who was that?
- Donovan: [flatly] That was the president of the garden club.
- Frank Stillwell: If I ever get within shootin' distance of that doggone Amos Tucker, he's gonna have "winders" where his ears was.
- John Wintle: I'm leaving for San Francisco tonight.
- Sheriff McCoy: San Francisco's loss is Quake City's gain.
- Clovis Bradley: [the banker walks out of the saloon holding Donovan's bejeweled pin] Hey Mr. Donovan, why does he got your cherished token of a lady's affection?
- Russel Donavan: Because three deuces beats aces over eights, that's why.
- Bobby: If they give us to Mrs. Stockley, she won't hit us with a stick, will she?
- Russell Donovan: Why would she hit you with a stick?
- Bobby: She hits Mr. Stockley with a stick.