H.O.T.S.

You know, I really have a problem with movie lists. I was reading Maxim magazine a while ago and they had a list of the 50 Greatest B-Movies of all time, and knowing me, I of course have to go through and watch them all and write reviews of all of them. This is why you see reviews of movies like Gator Bait and Barb Wire and Coffy on my list. So I noticed H.O.T.S. at the video store the other day and recognized it from Maxim's list of the 50 greatest B-movies, and I decided to rent it and check it out. My only consolation is that I rented it because I recognized it from a list of B-movies, so I already knew it was going to suck.

Given the type of movie that it is, I can't say that H.O.T.S. is a total failure, since it is nothing more than a late 70s T&A film, and it never pretends to by anything else. The only place where it strays widely from its objective is in a ragged subplot involving a couple of ex-cons who have stashed a lot of stolen money in the house that the self-named H.O.T.S. move in to, because this subplot has absolutely no place in the movie. Despite the fact that the rest of the movie is as well, this subplot is completely superfluous and unnecessary.

The story is based on a couple of rival sororities at the beloved F.U., which exists as one of those Universities that contains a grand total of one sorority until the rejects form their own in order to get back at the snobs in the other one. This new sorority, Help Out The Seals (H.O.T.S.), is a sorority supposedly based on helping seals (the seal subplot is another one that doesn't really belong in the movie, and little attention is paid to the meaning of that name beyond having a seal running around here and there throughout the movie).

This is going to sound weird, but there was actually one scene that I was pretty impressed with in this movie. One SHOT that I was impressed with, I should say. About midway through the movie, one of the girls in Pi, the rival sorority, is pouring alcohol into the punch, and she pours some for herself in a glass and drinks it. Oddly enough, what she does as she drinks that alcohol reminds me of something that Charlie Chaplin would do, which really brightened up the movie. Obviously, nothing in this movie comes close to anything that Chaplin ever did, but that shot alone raised my score for the movie from a 2 to a 4.

As a whole, however, the movie is exactly what you would expect it to be, a lot of people running around looking for excuses to take off their clothes (I liked how the remove-one-piece-of-clothing-for-every-score in the football game at the end was one of the GIRLS' ideas. Riiiiiiiiight…), and not much thought is put into much of anything else. There is, for example, a scene early in the film when a couple of the Pi girls pour hot sauce into the refreshments at a H.O.T.S. party, accidentally getting caught in an incriminating photograph (the girl taking the picture didn't realize that she photographed them at the time), although the photograph never comes up for any reason later in the film.

I've seen movies like this before, it's kind of like Gator Bait but without the violence and the rednecks and Coffy wasn't far off. Even Barb Wire is much the same, just with a bigger budget and more silicon. Thankfully, Maxim's 50 B-movie list contains only a few more comedies, because while these cheesy teen T&A films are entertaining every once in a while as bad movies with the occasional semi-nude scene, after watching H.O.T.S. I think I've decided that I like the bad horror movies better than the bad comedies. I'd rather watch a lot of terrible actors pretend to be scared than pretend to be funny.

This film is a throwback to the pre-siliconized days of Hollywood. We here at the academy admire the blossoming of natural talent as it explodes onto the screen. The film centers around the exploits of a bevy of buxom beauty outcasts (Susan Kiger, Pamela Jean Bryant, Kimberly Cameron, Lisa London, Angela Aames) as they form a sorority. Their nemesis is the snobby sorority with its buxom beauties (Lindsay Bloom, K.C. Winkler). College hijinks prevail as the film brings forth the truth about typical sorority behavior: showering, topless sunbathing, topless skydiving, wet T-shirt contests, outsmarting the pesky dean, and strip football. That's right, strip football: score a TD and the opposing team loses an article of clothing. This definitely is an Eye Candy Hall of Fame moment and causes us to reflect that they don't make movies like this anymore. As football fans it pains us to actually hope for a weak pass rush and lapses in the secondary coverage for both teams. Fire up the grill, open a beer, and enjoy the game.

I saw this picture when it was released 30 years ago, mainly because of the topless football game. I enjoyed it back then, but seeing it again on Netflix TV after three decades was a disappointment. Not that the movie doesn't have its positives: (1) high-quality cinematography, lighting, editing, and photography; (2) beautiful, often topless, babes; and (3) a couple of recognizable (real) actors from the past (Dick Bakalyan and Louis Guss as the gangsters).

That being said, the flick went overboard trying to be "zany," cramming into practically every scene some sort of tired, infantile gag that draws winces instead of chuckles. Further, beneath the ostensible light, good-natured goings-on, with everybody supposedly having such a great time acting crazy or simply being weird, runs a subliminal hostility and meanness that progressively depresses the viewer. Ha, ha. Isn't the fat girl funny, especially when she outweighs her nerdy boyfriend by 200 pounds? What a riot! Ha, ha. The opera singer bellows off-key and then falls into the pool! How original! Whoever thought of that? Brilliant stroke of comedy! As bright and cheerful as H.O.T.S. makes itself out to be, it's actually kind of repulsive.

As one reviewer noted years ago, H.O.T.S. is one of those movies better watched with the sound off. The outstanding beauty of (my personal choices, in order) Kimberly Cameron, K.C. Winkler, Sandy Johnson, and Lisa London shouldn't be marred by idiotic dialogue.

Five stars: ten for the feminine beauty and the vintage actors, zero for everything else.

H.O.T.S. is a fun film for a trip back to when skin flicks had a more positive fun-filled agenda. They were made simply to titillate and have a few laughs. Everything seems less cynical and jaded. The girls all have natural figures and some are Playboy playmates. The simple plot deals with a group of young women who open a non-sanctioned sorority house to get back at the snooty sorority girls who spurned and insulted them. Instead of the mean spirited tricks of today, most of the hijinks are simply innocent fun. The women are decent actresses for this genre and are mostly very attractive. To keep our attention between the topless scenes, we have mafia henchmen, a stolen bear, a hot air balloon, a funky house mother, and the cheapest robot ever seen. There's even Danny Bonnaducci of the Partridge Family. If you have a sense of humor then let yourself go and enjoy some light entertainment.

Mix old-time Burlesque, "jiggle" TV and the basic plot of "Animal House", and you've pretty much summed up this example of "B" movies at the time Reagan became President. Of all the "Animal House" imitators, "H.O.T.S." is probably the best. Don't watch it for great acting, writing or directing, but don't expect to spend a lot of time with your finger on the "Fast Forward" button either. If all you've seen is the USA edit, you've missed what is the essence of the film - beautiful topless women. It's not so much sexploitation as it is an update of the kind of show Grandpa saw in the big city when Grandma wasn't along. Not only the light, breezy attitude toward nudity, but the jokes, the pies, the seltzer, the animal acts - even two baggy-pants comics.