Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

...or is that a "master piece"? Either way, I loved it. How all 4 members were completely ignored for "Best Actor" Oscars is beyond me.

How can you beat a movie that has an "evil KISS" out to ruin the real KISS, so they go on stage at a KISS show and change the lyrics of the classic tune "Shout it out Loud" to "Rip and Destroy", to the dismay of the packed Amusement Park, who don't know there's something amiss, so they start booing the evil KISS, thinking it's the real KISS ruining their own song by changing the lyrics (how's THAT for fan loyalty?), etc, etc....I could go on.

Let's just say...this IS A CLASSIC FILM!! Rent it!! Thank you very much.

I'm no KISS lover, nor am I a KISS hater; I suppose I'm a bit of a casual fan. I am however, a lover of movies of the genre that is sometimes called "Inexplicable." KISS Meets The Phantom (Of the Park) is such a movie. A real head-scratcher. You'll be scratching your head so damn much your scalp will start to flake. I think this movie keeps Head and Shoulders in business.

KISS star as themselves (Sort of, they are the band KISS, but they only refer to themselves as "The Demon" or "Space Ace" and so on), in a, well, really, a TV movie, but even then, that doesn't explain how poor the quality is. TV movies look better than this, heck, most after school specials have this beat. Anyway, KISS is playing 3 days of concerts at an unamed amusement park (In reality, Magic Mountain in California), and in between their 2-song concerts (That's as much as we see anyway), they fight the evil shenanigans of an evil inventor who works in a secret lab underneath the park.

Although I can't recall him ever being referred to in the film as "The Phantom" I have to assume he is the titular character. He certainly doesn't wear pink tights and fire pistols; though that probably would have pepped up the plot, which is droll and inane to say the least.

Here's the main problem. Amongst the opening credits you will prominently see displayed as Executive Producer one Joseph Barberra, famous for the Hanna Barberra cartoons. You will also notice a lot of musical cues and story elements that seem plucked right out of bad episodes of Scooby-Doo, Super Friends, Josie and the Pussycats and others. I'm not reaching here, a lot of sounds and music are exactly the same. Basically, the film is a live action Hanna Barberra cartoon, complete with terrible laser beam eye blasts and fire breath (One time you can see the physical edges of the effect, not a proud moment for Gene). This movie could have worked as a cartoon, or as a KISS movie about, I dunno, a concert. Instead its A Hard Days Scooby, and a poor one at that.

KISS certainly don't help their cause, Gene is really the only one who seems comfortable in his non-performance scenes, and he's hindered by a weird reverb effect on his voice that makes him almost impossible to understand. Ace and Paul are both more wooden than George Washington's teeth, and "The Cat" sounds an awful lot like Duke from GI Joe (His voice having been redubbed in post because, well, it was bad). In one scene, Ace is also clearly a stunt double, who's...well, black. In another, he's Asian. Oops.

I know I've made it sound awful but...well, okay so it's awful. But KISS Meets The Phantom often achieves that rare goofy quality of a movie that isn't so much bad, as it is completely insane and way off base. It's not as funny as a Plan 9, or a Gymkata, but it is worthy of at least one viewing with a big crowd of rowdy friends.

With tunes like "I Stole Your Love" and "Shout It Out Loud". This movie leaves no stone unturned for Kiss fans. It's so period, so dated, yet completely fun (especially if you're a nostalgia freak). Yet another one of those films where technically the acting stinks, the script is lame and the set is an amusement park but you just have to watch it once or twice or again and again. Choice is yours! (but I'd check it out:) As a Kiss fan I have no choice but to stick it a 10.

I'm going to assume that you, the reader, have already been privileged enough to view this masterpiece. Most likely, like most of the world's population, you have seen it multiple times and probably own your own copy, as I do. I will also go out on a limb and assume that you are aware of Gene Simmons' acting chops. They speak for themselves. Here we see a master thespian at the peak of his craft, eliciting emotions and feelings as only one as trained and skilled as he can do. Assuming you already know these things, I will spare you intricate plot details and my hypothesis on all of the metaphors and double-entendres that exist in this cinematic celluloid achievement. What we've got here is a cultural landmark the likes of which may not be fully understood for centuries to come. Like "Riding With Death" and Steven Speilberg's "2001: A Space Odyssey" before it, "KISS Meets a Phantom in a Park (1978) (TV)" asks questions of the mind, heart, body and soul. Where Speilberg failed, George Lucas succeeds with this film, his directorial debut. And what a stellar debut it is. Originally titled "KISS in Attack of the Phantom", Lucas wisely retitled the film due to his imminent release 20 years later of the similarly titled films "Attack of the Clones" and "The Phantom Menace". Whatever title he chose, "KISS Meets the Phantom in a Park (1978) (TV)" surpasses those two films by leaps and bounds, and indeed is even vastly superior to the 1982 original "Star Wars". Though released in (1978) for (TV), the special effects and brilliant stunt work were far ahead of their time and truly belonged on the big screen. Only with `The Star Wars Holiday Special' and perhaps "Corvette Summer" would Lucas come close to the greatness he ultimately captured in "KISS in KISS Meets a Phantom in a Park Who Attacks Them (1978) (TV)". Sadly, he would never approach that level of mastery again, though some (myself included) would argue that his Executive Producer credit on "Glitter" should have earned him an Oscar. To sum up, an overall brilliant film, utterly bereft of flaws. A timeless and intriguing piece of work that to this day does not fail to frighten, educate, thrill, and provoke thought. This is the quintessential Rock and/or Roll film that writer/director/star Kevin Costner tried to bring to fruition in his half-baked, ill-fated, ill-received 1984 film `Pink Floyd: The Wall'. Costner failed, and failed miserably. Of course he would go on to make some of the best short films of all time, including `Waterworld' and `The Postman', but neither he, nor anyone else would ever attempt again to match the glory, mystique and power of the film that is `KISS Star in a Phantom Meeting In The Park (TV) (1978)'.

If you are looking for monstrous special effects (even by 1970's standards), this is not the film for you...

If you are a KISS fan, it is definitely worth a watching. Especially if you are a classic KISS fan.

Brief synopsis: KISS is about to play for an amusement park. The brains behind this park (Abner Deveraux played by Anthony Zerbe) grows resentful that a rock-n-roll band is overshadowing the technical expertise that he created at this park. He vows all-out war against the band using his creations to attack the band members. And their secret talisman which gives them powers.

BTW, Gene Simmons does most of his own stunts, probably preparing himself for a future theatrical career (which he did, in the 1980's). Peter Criss's lines are dubbed in by a voice guy from Hanna Barbera. Strange how Peter Criss sounds the same as Dirk Daring from G-Force.

Anthony Zerbe does a great job in acting as the villain in this one. His best IMHO is in North and South as General Grant.

Ok, this is not an epic adventure that got critical acclaim, yet after a few beers, it is good entertainment.