- Ellen: Sagittarius, we're not suited, it would never work out.
- Greg Nolan: Let's see if we can't double-cross the stars.
- Bernice: You know it's very difficult being a beautiful woman, men just never leave you alone.
- Greg Nolan: You won't believe this, but I'm leaving you alone.
- Bernice: Well, did you hear a nightingale? Did the blood dash against the distant shores of your heart?
- Greg Nolan: Nope.
- Bernice: What did you feel?
- Greg Nolan: Nothin'.
- Bernice: Nothin'?
- Greg Nolan: N-O-T-H...
- Bernice: [to her dog] Sick him Albert!
- Greg Nolan: [looking at Nolan's photography portfolio] They're all dressed? People don't want to see women with their clothes on.
- Mike Lansdown: I wish I moved in your circles.
- Greg Nolan: The secret of good photography is not to be fooled by what you see. You get to know your subjects, find the truth in 'em, and photograph that.
- Greg Nolan: This computer will prove to you that the planets are wrong.
- Ellen: Well, its just making a lot of sounds.
- Greg Nolan: Yeah, but you have to understand what its saying.
- Ellen: Do you know what it's saying?
- Greg Nolan: Of course, I know what its saying.
- [singing]
- Greg Nolan: Hey! A little less conversation, a little more action, please, All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me, A little more bite and a little less bark, A little less fight and a little more spark, Close your mouth and open up your heart and, baby, satisfy me, Satisfy me, baby...
- Greg Nolan: Who invite you here?
- Bernice: Well, a good looking girl is always welcome to one of these midnight brawls.
- Greg Nolan: How did you know about the party?
- Bernice: Being a good looking girl, I followed you.
- Greg Nolan: If you really wanna help, go make me a hot buttered rum.
- Bernice: You've got to get out of these wet clothes or you're going to freeze to death.
- [starts undressing Greg]
- Greg Nolan: If *you'll* get out of here, I will!
- Bernice: Suit your self.
- Robbie's Mother: Save your breath bluebeard, we know how to take care of sex maniacs like you in this town!
- Harry: Get a job with one of those advertising agencies. Now, that's the life.
- Greg Nolan: What makes them so special?
- Harry: Are you kidding me? It's outta sight! Well, easy work, fantastic pay, and an office full of the most stupendous chicks you have ever seen. I mean really stacked!
- Bernice: All I want's a little huggy bear.
- Greg Nolan: Huggy bear?
- Bernice: Yeah, you relax and I'll hug. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Penlow: "Constant complaint is the poorest sort of pay for all the comforts we enjoy." Also, Benjamin Franklin.
- Greg Nolan: Good ol' Ben.
- Penlow: Personal appearances are not to be treated lightly. I take great stock in the cut of a man's clothes. As Benjamin Franklin so aptly put it, "Eat to please thyself, but, dress - to please others."
- Greg Nolan: I thought you told me your name was Alice?
- Bernice: Oh, yes, well, *you* can call me Mrs. Baby.
- Greg Nolan: *Mrs.* Baby?
- Greg Nolan: [singing] I walk along a thin line darling, Dark shadows follow me, Here's where life's dream lies disillusioned, The edge of reality...
- Miss Selfridge: Do you have an appointment?
- Greg Nolan: An appointment? Why, no, but, I believe I'm expected.
- Miss Selfridge: What is the name, please.
- Greg Nolan: Just say Nolan is here - with the truth.
- Miss Selfridge: Nolan - is here - with the truth?
- Greg Nolan: That's right. Just tell him that. He'll know.
- Miss Selfridge: [on the phone] Mr. Landsdown, Nolan is here - with the truth.
- Miss Selfridge: [in a skimpy Playboy bunny like pussycat outfit] May I help you?
- Greg Nolan: Aren't you cold?
- Miss Selfridge: Only from 9 to 5.
- Greg Nolan: [dream sequence] Bernice!
- Bernice: My name's Alice.
- Greg Nolan: Alice?
- Delivery Boy: Her name's Suzy.
- Greg Nolan: Suzy?
- Milkman: This is Betty.
- Greg Nolan: Betty? What is your name?
- Harry: Her name's *Bernice*.
- Harry: You don't know her, Greg. She's scared. Scared to death.
- Greg Nolan: Scared of what?
- Harry: Of - life, being alone, love.
- Greg Nolan: You got to be kiddin', man.
- Harry: No, it's true! Making love never quite works for her. She always stops short. I think she's hoping to find the man who can - bring her the right kind of love.
- RKC&P Receptionist: Welcome to Radlin, Kernig, Canford & Penlow. Whom do you wish to see?
- Greg Nolan: Radlin.
- RKC&P Receptionist: I'm sorry. Mr. Radlin is not in at present. Is there someone else who can help you?
- Greg Nolan: Kernig?
- RKC&P Receptionist: I'm sorry. Mr. Kernig is not in at present. Is there someone else who can help you?
- Greg Nolan: Canford!
- RKC&P Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Canford died two years ago! Is there someone else who can help you?
- Greg Nolan: Who else is there?
- RKC&P Receptionist: Would you like to speak with Mr. Penlow?
- Greg Nolan: Is he in?
- RKC&P Receptionist: Yes.
- Greg Nolan: Good! I'll speak with Mr. Penlow.
- RKC&P Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Penlow is in conference.
- Mike Lansdown: Still want to work here?
- Greg Nolan: You said there was no job.
- Mike Lansdown: I changed my mind. How much you asking?
- Greg Nolan: A thousand a month.
- Mike Lansdown: Alright! We'll try it for a couple of weeks and we'll see what we'll see.
- Mike Lansdown: Truth is beauty and the highest expression of beauty is the relationship between a man and a woman. It is to the glorification of this relationship that Landsdown Enterprises is dedicated.
- Greg Nolan: I'm with you.
- Mike Lansdown: Are you any good?
- Greg Nolan: As a lover?
- Mike Lansdown: As a photographer!
- Mike Lansdown: Get rid of that suit. I can't stand to see men wearing ties. Its bad for the circulation. And always remember: bottoms up.
- Mike Lansdown: [in his office, lying face down on a massage table with nothing on but a towel, getting a simultaneous rub down, manicure and pedicure] Running a magazine of this magnitude requires me to be mentally alert at all times. I try keeping the blood circulating, blood goes to the brain: alert! I also find I have very little time to waste, Nolan; so, what is the truth?
- [masseuse starts walking on his back]
- Greg Nolan: Mr. Landsdown...
- Mike Lansdown: Call me Mike. I hate formalities.
- Greg Nolan: Mike, the truth is: I need a job.
- [Mr. Landsdown starts laughing]
- Penlow: My boy, you're a natural born attention getter! And what is advertising? The *art* of attracting attention.
- Harry: Happy House Warming, Greg! Whew!
- Greg Nolan: I should have known you'd be here?
- Bernice: Oh, now don't be nasty. Harry brought champagne and the dinner.
- Harry: Yeah. Egg rolls and hot dogs. You'll love 'em!
- Penlow: Personal appearance - that's the secret! Where you live, what you drive, where you drink, what you drink, who makes your clothes, who styles your hair, who shrinks your head.
- Greg Nolan: Who shrinks my head? Nobody.
- Penlow: You mean you're not in analysis?
- Mike Lansdown: I am not an unreasonable man. Do you think I'm an unreasonable man?
- Greg Nolan: No, Mike, you're not unreasonable.
- Mike Lansdown: Well, as a matter of fact, I'm quite a reasonable man.
- Mike Lansdown: Find yourself a girl. Find two or three. Find five.
- Greg Nolan: There sure are a lot of them around.
- Mike Lansdown: I always invite five girls to one man. A matter of principal.
- Greg Nolan: Kinda hard on the girls, isn't it?
- Mike Lansdown: Listen, Greg, this is a man's world and I'm gonna keep it that way; because, that's the way the birds like to nest.
- Greg Nolan: Look, what does it take to get through to you? We have nothing in common, we never did, we never will.
- Bernice: Oh, Greg, how can you be so controvertible?
- Greg Nolan: Controvertible?
- Greg Nolan: You're not going to trick me again. Get yourself an apartment.
- [Bernice cries]
- Greg Nolan: Put Albert in a kennel.
- [Albert howls]
- Greg Nolan: Oh, shut up Albert. Volunteer to be the first woman on the moon, I don't care. You're not gonna mess up my life.
- Greg Nolan: [in the shower] Is there something else you want?
- Bernice: [from outside the shower] Do you want me to scrub your back for you?
- Greg Nolan: No, that's not necessary. Thank you.
- Bernice: No, I don't mind. Really, I don't.
- Greg Nolan: It's not necessary. Look, Bernice, why don't you go...
- Bernice: Afraid?
- Greg Nolan: Of what?
- Bernice: That you might lose control.
- Greg Nolan: I *never* lose control.
- Bernice: Okay, prove that you can allow me to scrub your back without - attacking me.
- Greg Nolan: You're nuts. Nuts!
- Bernice: Afraid?
- Greg Nolan: Of course not!
- Bernice: Fine.
- [starts to scrub Nolan's lower back]
- Greg Nolan: Hey! My back don't go that far down.
- Bernice: Beginning to lose control, huh?
- Greg Nolan: Hell, no.
- Bernice: Mr. Nolan, I must remind you, I only work at respectable houses and it looks to me like there's a little hanky-panky going on here.
- Greg Nolan: Thank you, Doctor. Sorry to call you so late.
- Doctor: Don't you worry about it. I'll bill you for it.
- Bernice: I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you're doing for me.
- Greg Nolan: It's perfectly alright. Perfectly alright.
- Bernice: I hope its not too much of an inconvenience.
- Greg Nolan: Inconvenience? To have a full grown horse and a half-grown woman share my one-bedroom house, you must be kiddin'.
- Greg Nolan: Look, I'm a man. I like to make decisions for myself. If you ever start thinking like a woman, you'll understand what that means.
- Miss Selfridge: He's in his studio, watching the new center-spread being shot for the next issue.
- Penlow: Good. Good. I'll talk to him there.
- Miss Selfridge: Through that door.
- Penlow: Thanks, Pussycat!