- Jailer: [as he unlocks and opens Bernard's jail cell] Out you go.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Why?
- Jailer: You're out in custody. Your bail's been paid.
- Bernard Chanticleer: [after a thoughtful pause] I've been in the custody of my parents for almost twenty years now. And they've taught me nothing but self-doubt, frustration, and perpetual guilt. I'm going to be in my own custody from now on. I won't go!
- Jailer: A nice-lookin' girl paid it.
- Bernard Chanticleer: I'll go!
- [Gets up and walks out]
- [Raef recites a poem of his]
- Raef Del Grado: Oh, don't you think it's very odd, That we should kneel and pray to god, When by all accounts, we might, Send our problems up by kite!
- Miss Thing: I wanted you to know that I run a respectable apartment building.
- I. H. Chanticleer: Well, I run a respectable son.
- Barbara Darling: Take off your jacket. Relax.
- [long pause]
- Barbara Darling: Would you like a drink? Coffee?
- Bernard Chanticleer: Coffee? A drink. Maybe better coffee. I mean, a drink of coffee.
- Barbara Darling: I know what's wrong with you. You would like a glass of milk! But you're afraid to ask for because you'll think Barbara will think you're a little boy. But it's alright. You can ask Barbara for a glass of milk and she'll bring it to you. Go on. Ask Barbara for a glass of milk. Say: I want a glass of milk.
- Bernard Chanticleer: I want a glass of milk.
- Barbara Darling: You see? See how easy, sunshine?
- Margery Chanticleer: Remember my promise: If you don't smoke until you're 21, I'll give you a special no-smoking present. Say goodbye to Rover, he's heartbroken.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Goodbye, Dog.
- Margery Chanticleer: Don't eat too much, don't stay out too late, don't go to suspicious places to play cards, and stay away from girls. But most of all, Bernard, try to be happy.
- Miss Thing: Last week I was 19. Today I'm 42. If I had an eggshell for every day I'd spent alone, I'd have a lot of eggshells.
- [I.H. notices his wife sobbing over an antique bible]
- I. H. Chanticleer: Margery, your lint is settling on the Guttenberg Bible.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Aw, to hell with your Guttenberg Bible. I hate your Guttenberg Bible!
- [Barbara takes a cigarette out of Bernard's mouth]
- Barbara Darling: You like those coffin nails too much. Better watch out. Better not cough.
- [first lines]
- Raef Del Grado: You absolutely must not use the book elevator, Bernard.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Who is she?
- Raef Del Grado: It's illegal, it's dangerous and it'll only get you to trouble.
- Barbara Darling: You're perfect.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Me?
- Barbara Darling: Absolutely hunky dory perfect. You're just what I need in my life.
- Bernard Chanticleer: What's wrong with me?
- Barbara Darling: Nothing that a firing squad couldn't fix it.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Can you hear me, dad?
- I. H. Chanticleer: I'll see you in my office right now, big boy.
- Bernard Chanticleer: Well, gosh, I'm lonely and young. I'm always lonely even when I'm with people. Specially when I'm with people.
- Amy Partlett: [about Bernard's father making a pass at her] It was terrible.
- Bernard Chanticleer: My poor mother.
- Amy Partlett: Poor me!
- Bernard Chanticleer: What's her name?
- Raef Del Grado: Darling. Barbara Darling. C'mon Bernard. A.P. is waiting for you.
- Bernard Chanticleer: A.P.? Who is A.P.?
- Raef Del Grado: Another Problem.
- Miss Thing: [Shocked, upon seeing an old painting that shows some nudity] Oh, that filthy thing! Ohh!
- I. H. Chanticleer: Oh, yes. One of the finest examples of incunabula in the collection. It's very rare.
- Miss Thing: [Indignantly] I'll thank you to keep your incunabula to yourself!
- Bernard Chanticleer: [Referring to Barbara's job as a go-go dancer] Why do you have to work there? Everybody looks up your dress. Don't you feel guilty?
- Barbara Darling: Look, Bernie baby, I haven't known you too long, but it seems to me that you're getting to be a regular noodge. Remember when you wrote that sweet letter to me? I thought you'd be a person that would be FUN to be with.
- Margery Chanticleer: [Suggesting the family get away together and go to Cape Cod] You love Cape Cod. We'll go swimming every day...
- Bernard Chanticleer: [Pushing her away] I HATE Cape Cod! I don't want to go anywhere WITH you, I want to get AWAY from you... I'll take "Dog".
- Margery Chanticleer: Well, Rover is gone forever. Someone stole him!
- Bernard Chanticleer: His name is "Dog". D-O-G DOG! He's my dog and that's what I chose to name him: DOG! I could have named him Rover, or Spot, or Fido or anything, but I didn't! I named him DOG!
- Amy Partlett: I have something for you.
- Bernard Chanticleer: What is it?
- Amy Partlett: I found this place where they sell five-cent pretzels.