- Ostap Bender: [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?
- Father Fyodor: It's not yours.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then whose is it?
- Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you said the workers?
- Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.
- Father Fyodor: Maybe.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?
- Father Fyodor: The church must keep up with the times.
- [Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]
- Young Woman: Do you love me?
- Ostap Bender: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Where are you going?
- Ostap Bender: Ah, the eternal question: "Quo Vadis"? Well, if you must know, I am vadissing off to gossip with the secret police.
- Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?
- Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.
- Ostap Bender: Ah, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?
- Tikon: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!
- Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".
- Tikon: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.
- Ostap Bender: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.
- Tikon: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [trying to remember his lines] I am cousin Michael from Kiev. All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.
- [He knocks on the door]
- Worker at Old Ladies Home: [answering the door] Yes?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I am cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov. All the Michaels are dead.
- Father Fyodor: I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!
- Madam Bruns: No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!
- [last lines]
- Ostap Bender: Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.
- Ostap Bender: Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I can't!
- Ostap Bender: I'm going.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!
- Ostap Bender: Why?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Lets talk.
- Ostap Bender: About what?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Things...
- Ostap Bender: What things?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: I don't know, situations...
- Ostap Bender: I am going...
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!
- Ostap Bender: Why?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Lets talk.
- Ostap Bender: About what?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: It.
- Ostap Bender: What's 'it'?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You know...
- Ostap Bender: I know what?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: What we're talking about.
- Ostap Bender: We're talking about nothing, I'm going.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You mustn't.
- Ostap Bender: I must.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why?
- Ostap Bender: The reward!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: What reward?
- Ostap Bender: For turning you in.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Wait!
- Ostap Bender: Why?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [desperate] We'll talk.
- Ostap Bender: [shouting] About what?
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [shouting also] About the diamonds! The diamonds! The diamonds...
- Ostap Bender: Now, Sevitsky, please don't disapoint me, because if you do I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck. A threat to the wise, hm?
- Ostap Bender: Now listen, old man. Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time in our lives. We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg, that is the question. I will give you five... to decide yes or no. On the count of five it is farewell. One...
- Father Fyodor: Yes... yes, yes, yes...
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [screaming at his dying mother-in-law for hiding her jewels in a chair] Fifty thousand roubles worth of jewelry stuffed in a chair? Heaven knows who may sit on that chair... *if* it's still a chair!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?
- Father Fyodor: [pause, then] People talk.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!
- Father Fyodor: Not really.
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!
- Father Fyodor: Well, you are!
- [He spits on Vorobyaninov]
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [upon learning that his mother-in-law is dying] Bozhe moi, that poor woman! That poor woman! Who is going to care of me?
- Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.
- [Ostap stares at him]
- Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.
- Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.
- Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.
- Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?
- Father Fyodor: 46... 44.
- Ostap Bender: Which is it?
- Father Fyodor: 42... 42.
- Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.
- [Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
- Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
- [They wait]
- Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!
- Father Fyodor: Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment...
- [he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down]
- Father Fyodor: How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down!
- [he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving]
- Father Fyodor: Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!
- [they walk away]
- Father Fyodor: Get... me... down!
- Tikon: [Ostap has just addressed him as "comrade"] Comrade! Comrade! Everybody calls me comrade! Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade! People you don't know, strangers, everybody says comrade! Oh, I miss Russia!
- Ostap Bender: [lifting up his eye-patch to watch a pretty and well-stacked girl walk by] Now *there's* a healthy girl!
- Father Fyodor: [to Engineer and Mrs. Bruns in Siberia, as he attempts to steal a chair and they attempt to throw him out] A memento of my visit to your lovely home!
- Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [referring to Father Fyodor's being in drag and trying to steal one of the chairs] This is disgusting!
- Ostap Bender: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaninov has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!
- Father Fyodor: [to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand?
- [he goes totally manic]
- Father Fyodor: I need those chairs!
- Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?
- Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.
- Madam Bruns: [Father Fyodor is embracing Engineer Bruns' leg] Andrei, why is that man kissing your knee?
- Father Fyodor: [desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!