- [Clouseau bumps into a woman dressed as Cleopatra. He hands back her rubber snake]
- Woman: Take your filthy hands off my asp!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [having stepped on and broken the violin] It's no matter. When you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all.
- [At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the punch bowl]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your stripes!
- [last lines]
- Police escort: Tell me, inspector - Signor Phantom - all those robberies. How did you ever manage it?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, you know... it wasn't easy.
- [Having made her tipsy with champagne, Sir Charles Lytton kisses Princess Dala]
- Princess Dala: If I were my father, I'd have you tortured.
- Sir Charles Lytton: No. If you were your father, I wouldn't have kissed you.
- George Lytton: You've been avoiding me.
- Simone Clouseau: That about describes it.
- George Lytton: You know what l've been thinking?
- Simone Clouseau: Yes. That's why l've been avoiding you.
- [first lines]
- Gem dealer 1: As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw.
- Sultan: A flaw?
- Gem dealer 2: The slightest flaw, your excellency.
- Gem dealer 1: If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.
- Sultan: An animal?
- Gem dealer 1: A little panther.
- Sultan: Yes! A pink panther. Come here, Dala. A gift to your father from his grateful people. Some day it will be yours. The most fabulous diamond in all the world. Come closer.
- Princess Dala: [tipsy from champagne] I was three years old when I rode my first elephant. I was - six, when I went on my first zsrafari... frazari... wild animal hunt. And I was ten, when I bagged my first tiger. But Ill never forget, my lovely little pony.
- Sir Charles Lytton: When'd you bag him?
- Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.
- Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?
- Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.
- Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.
- Princess Dala: All right.
- George Lytton: I feel like dancing.
- [to Princess Dala]
- George Lytton: Your Highness?
- Princess Dala: I'd love to.
- Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?
- Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?
- Sir Charles Lytton: What?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...
- [scalds his hand]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!
- [put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]
- Tucker: That's my beer, old man.
- Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Hi George. Any idea how we get out of here?
- George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] I don't know. I've been all over this place. I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out here?
- Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Why don't you try the high road up there?
- George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Okay. I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.
- Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Ciao, George.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.
- Simone Clouseau: It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.
- Simone Clouseau: George - Oh!
- [stumbles on the bed]
- George Lytton: Well, that's more like it.
- Simone Clouseau: Now, you should be ashamed of yourself.
- George Lytton: Oh, l'm planning on it.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My darling. Oh, my darling, don't move, don't panic. All that has happened is that my hat has caught in one of your naughty little hairpins. Voila.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.
- Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
- Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.
- Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?
- Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.
- Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.
- Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.
- George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
- Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.
- Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.
- Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?
- Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?
- Princess Dala: I suppose I do.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
- Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.
- Princess Dala: l'm plastered. If that's the right expression.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Yes, that's the right expression.
- Princess Dala: You're a fraud and a liar. And you think you are going to take advantage of me.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, no. You think l am.
- Princess Dala: l know you are. That's the plan, isn't it? Feed me champagne, break down the inhibitions, and tally-ho! No more Virgin Queen.
- Princess Dala: lf you had known my father, you would understand me. He was an absolute ruler. He governed his people with an iron hand. But he gave me a white pony for my fifth birthday. He was wrong about many things, but he made his decisions according to the ways of his predecessors. l learned the way of the West, so l've become a little of both, a paradox. And it is hard to reconcile the extremes.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Have a glass of champagne. Does wonders for extremes. lt's been known to launch some lasting friendships. Don't you trust me?
- Princess Dala: No.
- Simone Clouseau: Jacques would make a wonderful father. He has many redeeming qualities, you know.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Name one.
- Simone Clouseau: Oh, he's kind, loyal, faithful, obedient.
- Sir Charles Lytton: You're either married to a Boy Scout or a dachshund.
- Simone Clouseau: And he adores me.
- Sir Charles Lytton: That eliminates the Boy Scouts.
- Sir Charles Lytton: You're being ridiculous.
- Simone Clouseau: No. l'm just being a woman. This time you've chosen yourself a fascinating victim. I suspect you've broken the first rule and allowed yourself to become involved.
- Sir Charles Lytton: You're being a woman, all right.
- [kiss]
- Simone Clouseau: That's obvious. Competition always makes a woman obvious.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Darling. l'm so sorry. l was trying to kiss your foot.
- Simone Clouseau: That's all right, my dear.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Let me kiss your face.
- Simone Clouseau: lt's all right.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My darling. l'm sorry. Come here. That's it. Nice and comfortable on the bed there.
- Tucker: [after Clouseau, having burned his hand on the fireplace hood, jams it into his tall beer mug] My beer, old man.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm sorry.
- [He tries to pull his hand out but it's stuck]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster!
- [toots horn]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?
- [toots horn]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.
- [toots horn]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!
- [first title card]
- Title card: Once upon a time
- Woman: I've never really known another man like him. He can keep ten girls in the air at once and make each one happy.
- Princess Dala: Amazing, sort of a contemporary Don Juan?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hello, old bean. Your company insures the Pink Panther.
- Tucker: Yes, for half a million.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Pounds?
- Tucker: Sterling.
- Princess Dala: l've read about some of his parties.
- Monica Fawn: They're wonderful! We call him the Juggler. l've never really known a man like him. He can keep ten girls in the air at once and make each one happy.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Aren't you drinking?
- Princess Dala: l don't drink.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Not ever?
- Princess Dala: l'm quite content with reality. l have no need for escape.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Well, l enjoy reality as much as the next man. lt's just that in my case, fortunately, reality includes a good stiff belt every now and then. On the other hand, l don't smoke.
- Princess Dala: You're right. lt's a nasty habit.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Here's to all those nasty little habits that we hold so dear.
- Princess Dala: Sort of a contemporary Don Juan.
- Monica Fawn: That's it.
- Felix Townes: Ah, there's a difference! Charles predecessor was forced to climb balconies and fight duels, and, as l understand it, to keep his women separate and apart. Now, Charles, on the other hand, drives a Ferrari, enters with a key, and resorts to collective bargaining.
- Angela Dunning: Oh-ohh!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ln a strange way, you know, one has to admire this man, he's, eh, how would you say? a unique flair for the dramatic. He actually waved goodbye to me.
- Hotel Manager: Fascinating.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But this time, gentlemen, l shall be waving goodbye to him - on his way to prison.
- Princess Dala: l hadn't realized it was so late.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Come in, sit down, relax. Have a nice glass of champagne.
- Princess Dala: l told you, l don't drink.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, champagne's not drinking. lt's the minimum of alcohol and the maximum of companionship.
- Princess Dala: You didn't tell me the truth.
- Sir Charles Lytton: About what?
- Princess Dala: About champagne! About this. Oh, boy, did you fib. You said - something about extremes.
- Sir Charles Lytton: lt does wonders for them.
- Princess Dala: lt does more than that. lt makes your lips numb. Ah, l can't feel them. Are they still there?
- Sir Charles Lytton: Let's have a look.
- Princess Dala: You didn't tell me about that part.
- [kiss]
- Princess Dala: Won't do you any good. l can't feel it!
- Sir Charles Lytton: You have presented the press with a rather definite image.
- Princess Dala: Yes, l know.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Well, are you?
- Princess Dala: What?
- Sir Charles Lytton: What they call you? The Virgin Queen?
- Princess Dala: l'm not a queen.
- Sir Charles Lytton: You're not concerned about what happened, you're worried about what might have happened. And that makes you vulnerable. That makes you a woman.
- Princess Dala: You're an arrogant fool.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Perhaps l am. But after what l just said, a real woman would have slapped my face.
- [Princess starts to slap Sir Charles, but, laughs instead]
- Sir Charles Lytton: The majority of women, they have half a glass too much and let down the barriers a little. And they wake up in the morning, riddled with guilt and think they can reclaim their virtue by saying ''l don't remember.''
- Princess Dala: Are you saying my virtue is not intact?
- Sir Charles Lytton: He's just a young man who's not been out in the world.
- Simone Clouseau: That's because he's been spending all his time in a bedroom.
- Sir Charles Lytton: [spanks Simone's bottom] l'm surprised at you!
- Simone Clouseau: Oh, l can handle it.
- George Lytton: You're beautiful.
- Simone Clouseau: Now stop this, George. You must get out of here.
- George Lytton: You are the damnedest woman l've ever met. What are you? A sexual yo-yo? First you jump in my bed. Then you push me off a mountain. Then you practically seduce me on the dance floor.
- George Lytton: When l was thrown out of college, l made up my mind. l decided to live a little. l knew if l continued my academic endeavors l knew I could depend upon that check of yours. You know what l did? l took a plush Hollywood apartment. Surrounded myself with all of the - advantages of a wealthy bachelor. And I sent you glowing reports of a brilliant academic career.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Well, I suppose a certain amount of dishonesty is bound to beget a certain amount of dishonesty.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My darling, listen. Why don't l have a nice bath? And afterwards, we have our lovely warm bed.