- Captain Robert Salbo: Madam, words fail me. Your culinary talents supersede the most exotic cuisine.
- Ma Tatum: You don't like it.
- Captain Robert Salbo: Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary...
- Josh Morgan: He means he'd like some more, Ma.
- Ma Tatum: Oh, that's good.
- Pappy Tatum: Good! Good! I like to see a young fella who's a good eater.
- Captain Robert Salbo: I must say, in all my travels, I never tasted anything quite like it.
- Ma Tatum: You ain't never?
- Captain Robert Salbo: Unh-uhnmm!
- [meaning "No"]
- Ma Tatum: Aw shucks, it ain't nothing but possum tails, owl gizzards, and grits fried in bear grease. And then that there gravy, that's just goat's milk with vulture eggs and mashed catfish eyes.
- Pappy Tatum: The catfish eyes brings out the flavor of the possum tails.
- [Capt. Salbo turns green]
- Captain Robert Salbo: Excuse me. I think I forgot something in my jeep.
- Pappy Tatum: Why did he leave in such a hurry? Did something just come up?
- Josh Morgan: Not yet, Mr. Tatum, but I think it might.
- Josh Morgan: [to Azalea and Selena] If I'd a known you gals was so down right good lookin', I'd a been up here a long time ago.
- Jodie Tatum: Don't let him sweet talk ya, he ain't proven he's kinfolk yet.
- Josh Morgan: Well, I can prove that too. My Great Great Aunt Eufrasia married a Tatum back in 1907.
- Selena Tatum: See, Jodie, he *is* kinfolk.
- Josh Morgan: Practically kissin' cousins! To you two gals. Not to him.
- Josh Morgan: You see, Pappy, the Government...
- Pappy Tatum: Who's government?
- Josh Morgan: Well, the United States Government - want to use the top of this mountain to build a I-C-B-M firing base.
- Pappy Tatum: B-M?
- Josh Morgan: Ballistic Missile.
- Pappy Tatum: Oh, I see.
- Josh Morgan: That's right, I-C-B-M.
- Pappy Tatum: You-see-B-M? Well, I don't.
- Ma Tatum: Me neither, Pappy. And I ain't so sure what I heared.
- Captain Robert Salbo: It's part of our national defense system. You know, I-C-B-M.
- Pappy Tatum: You-see-B-M, too? How can everybody see it but me?
- Josh Morgan: They won't be used at all unless somebody starts a war against us. See?
- Pappy Tatum: Oh, you mean if there's a feud.
- Josh Morgan: Yeah.
- Captain Robert Salbo: Yeah, we protect our country - like you do against the Revenuers.
- Pappy Tatum: Oh, I see.
- Selena Tatum: You-see-B-M now too, Pappy?
- Pappy Tatum: I think so.
- Master Sgt. William George Bailey: Baby, you are Cleopatra, Helen of Troy and Marie Antoinette all rolled up into one!
- Selena Tatum: Well, don't keep talkin' about your old girlfriends. Just talk about me!
- [leans in]
- Master Sgt. William George Bailey: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Azalea Tatum: Hey Jodie!
- Azalea Tatum, Selena Tatum: Look what we got!
- Jodie Tatum: What are you gals doin' in your underwear?
- Selena Tatum: They ain't underwear, Jodie! Them's bikinis! Ain't they purty?
- Jodie Tatum: Purty skimpy.
- Josh Morgan: I just took 'em into town so they could buy a few little things, Jodie.
- Jodie Tatum: They's little enough.
- Pappy Tatum: We're gonna do some raisin' some ruckus! We're gonna have some rootin' tootin' and boozin'!
- Pappy Tatum: Let me give you some advice Josh: You only got one life to live. Life can be rough. But, if you live it every day, all the way, once is enough.
- Captain Robert Salbo: Mr. Tatum, don't you get the newspapers up here?
- Pappy Tatum: Oh, sure. We use them to patch the holes in the wall.
- Jodie Tatum: What are you doin' with my face?
- Josh Morgan: That's a right good question friend. What's your name?
- Jodie Tatum: What's your'n?
- Josh Morgan: Josh Morgan.
- Selena Tatum: Whatcha doin' up here, Cousin Josh?
- Josh Morgan: Well, we came up on a friendly visit to talk to your folks, sort of, government business.
- Jodie Tatum: Yeah, we seen them Revenuers before. We sent 'em back down the mountain with lead buzzin' around their tails.
- Azalea Tatum: Yah hush up, Jodie! Them was no-account Yankees.
- Selena Tatum: I reckon Pappy and Ma will be right glad to meet you, Cousin Josh.
- Josh Morgan: [singing] There are lots of girls in the mountains, And they're worth their weight in gold, When they're in my arms with their lovin' charms, A treasure chest I hold...
- Ma Tatum: Pappy, we got a surprise fer ya.
- Pappy Tatum: I got enough surprises around here with all these the-the-these jezebels and these kittyhawks and these these government critters!
- [first lines]
- General Alvin Donford: Strategic Air Command Logistics considers Big Smoky Mountain the most important site in this group of ICBM missile bases. One that we feel will be vital.
- Josh Morgan: I'm no typist. I don't think anybody else up here is.
- Captain Robert Salbo: All right, well, tomorrow when you go down for the mail and supplies, pick up a steno clerk and a typewriter.
- Azalea Tatum: You know somethin' Cousin Josh?
- Josh Morgan: No, what?
- Azalea Tatum: Well, I don't want to throw nobody; but, I wouldn't mind gettin' throwed.
- Ma Tatum: That's a powerful hunk of money. Think of all the things we could git with that.
- Selena Tatum: Just think, we could git one of them new fangled bathtubs and some purty dresses!
- Azalea Tatum: And a new hot water heater. That creek gits mighty cold in wintertime.
- Ma Tatum: Yeah, and maybe one of them electric light machines.
- Pappy Tatum: Woah! Hold up there. The whole kit 'n' caboodle of ya. I can't think with you all babblin' at me! And not a peep outta you three!
- Pappy Tatum: You want me to be like one of them city fellas? Bustin' a gut to make money to put new fan-dangled doodads on a female critters? They's in a grave when they is 50 years old!
- Azalea Tatum: Now, it's my turn.
- [puckers up]
- Josh Morgan: I don't know about that.
- Azalea Tatum: Josh, please!
- [puckers up]
- Josh Morgan: [singing] Won't you show me how to kiss, Put your lips on mine,
- [kiss]
- Josh Morgan: Do you do it just like this, Tell me I'm doing fine, We got a good thing going now take your time, Come on and make it last, Love may be new to you but Oooh, I'm catchin' on fast.
- [kiss]
- Josh Morgan: Give, give, gimme all you've got to give...
- Master Sgt. William George Bailey: For an assignment like that, I got get - I got to get my snapper fixed!
- PFC Backett: Oh, no, you don't. A female PFC gets special treatment here at Porcupine Flats.
- PFC Toby: And I'm Toby, your official greeter. What's your name, honey bun?
- Midge: PFC Midge Reilly. Serial number W2349687. The rest is classified information.
- [They watch her walk away]
- PFC Backett: 36-24-36!
- Midge: [She turns around and corrects them] 36-22-35.
- Captain Robert Salbo: What's the meaning of this - this outrage?
- Midge: Well - w-w-well sir, I'm a stenographer, not a spy!
- Ma Tatum: [singing] Chickens won't lay, all night the hounds bay, There's blues in the bees' honeycomb, Ev'rythang's diff'rent since you went away, Pappy, won't you please come home...
- Pappy Tatum: Welcome to the Tatum family, Josh.
- Josh Morgan: Thank you, Pappy. But, what else could I do?
- Pappy Tatum: What?
- Josh Morgan: I-I-I mean, well, she's about the prettiest thing I ever seen, so, why keep lookin', huh?
- Ma Tatum: You come on with me, Captain, and have some of my Mountain Maiden's Breath. That'll prick up your spirits!
- Josh Morgan: [singing] Well, I've got a gal, she's as cute as she can be, She's a distant cousin, but she's not too distant with me, We kiss all night, I squeeze her tight, But we're kissin' cousins an' that's what makes it all right, all right, all right, all right...
- Josh Morgan: [singing] Yeah, we're all cousins, that's what I believe, Because we're children of Adam and Eve...