Sex Kittens Go to College

A college computer nicknamed "Thinko" picks a woman with 13 university degrees to head up the campus science department. Expecting an academic-looking spinster, public relations man Martin "Marty" Milner is surprised to greet Mamie Van Doren at the train station, a stripper nicknamed "Tassels" who has a high IQ and measurements to match (she also speaks 18 languages: "What's the 18th?" .. "English."). Milner (also an associate producer) and Van Doren are an enervated pair; better are Norman "Woo Woo" Grabowski as the captain of the football team who is afraid of girls and Tuesday Weld as a co-ed desperate to get pinned. Brigitte Bardot's sister Mijanou makes her one and only screen appearance as a Frenchie doing her thesis on the human male, Jackie Coogan apes W.C. Fields, John Carradine is hypnotized into joining Tassels on the dance floor, and Conway Twitty wrote the songs. Cult film has all the ingredients for a great B-movie...everything, alas, but a funny script. * from ****

Funny ha ha No. More like Funny nah nah

The director, Albert Zugsmith, obviously grew up watching the popular Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers films and I guess he tried but failed miserably at copying the camp comedy style of either The Three Stooges and/or The Marx Brothers styles.

Even with the very sexy and voluptuous Mamie Van Doren starring in this clunker and adding two gorgeous co-stars in Tuesday Weld, and Mijanou Bardot this film still could not hold an audiences attention.

I think that the director Albert Zugsmith believed that if he just simply kept a bevy of beauties on screen then his male audience would just lap it up and laugh even when the film was downright confusing and plain dumb.

I did not enjoy anything about this so-called poorly made camp comedy except for Miss Van Doren, Tuesday Weld, and Mijanou Bardot which is why I jacked my IMDB rating from a pathetic 1 to a still very poorly made 2 out of 10 rating.

It'll be easier to enjoy "Sex Kittens Go to College" if you simply accept it as a silly movie. The purpose is to show off Mamie Van Doren, and boy does it succeed! There's one scene in particular that probably helped a lot of boys become men. I guess that since we were just coming out of the sexually repressed '50s, they felt inclined to throw overtly sexual material in the audience's faces. Ridiculous though the content is, it's one enjoyable movie. Every scene showing Mamie Van Doren is a treat; that woman really knew how to move! "Sex Kittens Go to College" won't be for everyone. I should remind you that a lot of the content is dated. Nonetheless, the gags that Van Doren, as well as Tuesday Weld and Mijanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) pull is some cool stuff. Mamie Van Doren was known as a poor man's Marilyn Monroe, but judging by what she does here, there was nothing poor about her style.

Good times.

In the opening credits, somebody sings "Sexpot Goes To College," which is an alternate title for this flick. I can think of a few more titles, but I don't want to get banned. This is one of the greatest wastes of non-talent ever conceived. Granted, you don't expect much from a Mamie Van Doren flick, but this thing is truly abysmal.

A robot/computer named THINKO selects the newest faculty member for Collins College. That would be Mamie, who has 13 degrees, can speak 18 languages, and has a sign over her bed reading "Over One Million Served." The reaction of the welcoming committee consists of astonishment (Louis Nye), disapproval (Pamela Mason), and lust (Martin Milner). Mamie tries to impress them with her knowledge of theoretical mechanics: "When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously." Actually, I understood that. Mamie is introduced to the science class, and gives a psychology demonstration by firing two pistols. Next, she sets her sights on helping the star football player overcome his shyness. The football player is played by Woo Woo Grabowski, whose character's name happens to be Woo Woo Grabowski. Woo Woo is being wooed by Tuesday Weld, who looks cute but does not give her performance the old college try. Elsewhere, we have Minjanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) as a student who apparently is writing a book about sex, two moronic gangsters (Mickey Shaughnessy and Alan Drake playing characters named "Boomie" and "Legs" who think THINKO is a bookie), John Carradine as a lecherous biology professor, Jackie Coogan as Admiral Wildcat MacPherson, and Jose Gonzales-Gonzales as a Mexican.

The thin plot involves the discovery that Mamie used to be a dancer named "Tassels Monclair." So I'm not sure how she found the time to get so highly educated. Mamie does get to dance in a tight silver dress, and sings "Baby," accompanied by Conway Twitty's band. This is definitely the highlight of the film, but it quickly deteriorates as Coogan, Carradine, Nye, and some other guy prance around with her, and do a weak impersonation of a chorus line. Then everybody scatters when a monkey shoots off a machine gun. Apparently, even Cheetah can pass a background check.

There are a few subplots, but they are hardly worth mentioning. In fact, I can't even describe them. The dialogue is witless, as witnessed by this exchange between Bardot and Drake:

Bardot: "Parlez-vous francais?" Drake: "Not if I can help it baby, it gives me gas."

ROFLMGasO

This makes at least three films I've seen with the musclebound and mentally challenged Woo Woo Grabowski - "College Confidential," "The Beat Generation," and now this. I have no idea what he is doing in any of these films, and apparently neither does he. Coogan is obviously doing a W. C. Fields impersonation, and falls flat. Shaughnessy seems to be channeling Lou Costello; please, switch channels. Horny Carradine gets to do the Charleston and the tango with Mamie. Nye spends the entire film looking like he is suffering from hemorrhoids. Vampira has a bit part as Nye's assistant; I didn't even notice it was her until one of the final scenes. Bardot needs to have her libido excised. Pamela Mason is out of her league. It's no wonder a few years later she cleaned out hubby James in the divorce; she couldn't have made any money from this dreck. Milner overacts, does doubletakes, and mugs wildly for the camera. In the finale, he commandeers a fire truck (from Charlie Chaplin, Jr.), and, with Nye hanging on the ladder, sets off after Mamie to propose. The truck is pulled over by Officer Kent McCord, thus starting a long and beautiful friendship with Milner.

Sex Kittens Go To College has former stripper Mamie Van Doren bcoming the head of the science department at a collegein Nevada, She was chosen by he college's new computer. The compter has a sideline as a bookie and some of the local gangsters want to find out who's muscling in on their action.

That's the barebones plot of a witless comedy that wastes the talents of a lot of good people. Then again Mamie Vnn Doren's pulchriude is the main reason for seeing this film.

When a bongo playing monkey can steal a scene, you know you got troubles.