Mesa of Lost Women

Woof! Did this dog ever get any actual plays in public? I can't imagine anyone sitting through it, unless they were in a drive-in theater snogging and not paying any attention to the movie.

First of all, I'll mention the items that many others brought up: the endlessly repeated flamenco guitar riff that comes back DOZENS of times throughout the movie to the point of insanity. The flashback that can't possibly belong to the person describing it. The narrator who isn't part of the story. The fact that the whole lab blew up, but they still have to get the oil company to drive out there "before they escape." The fake-looking giant spider. The dutiful valet who calmly goes to his death. The fact that they don't try to subdue the gun-wielding maniac who kidnapped them once he hands the gun over to the Chinese valet. The ridiculous "you must go get that comb, it's a family heirloom" motivation. The wooden acting. The questionable motives. The gratuitous dwarfs.

As the cherry on the top of this bad movie sundae, I'd like to add that a veritable all-no-star cast from z-grade movie history comes together here. Let's run down all the real-life characters in this Rogue's Gallery.

You've got several Ed Wood alumni, though Ed had nothing to do with this film (as far as we know, but it would not surprise me if some previously hidden involvement by Ed was revealed well after the fact. MOLW was produced by indie production company Howco, who also released Ed's "Jail Bait.") There's Ed's former girlfriend Delores Fuller. There's Mona McKinnon (one of the Spider Women) and Lyle Talbot (the narrator), both future cast members of Plan Nine From Outer Space. The bizarrely "Wooden" direction in this film is quite appropriate for a flick loaded with Ed Wood players; they must have felt right at home.

You've got Jerry Warren stock player Katherine Victor (Jerry was a legendary bad director, and Katherine's husband. This is her first film, and one of her few appearances outside of a Jerry Warren production... she also had a later career as a continuity coordinator for Disney animated features!)

You've got George Barrows, the legendary Ro-Man from Robot Monster! (George played a gorilla in the vast majority of his screen credits, here he's just George the nurse from the Sanatorium...no gorilla suit in sight at any time).

Playing the bartender you have character actor Fred Kelsey, who has 395(!) film credits starting in 1911! In the thankless role of "Pepe" you have Chris Pin Martin, who had 135 credits, but MOLW was his last film (what a way to go out...).

Then you have co-director Ron Ormond, who produced and director numerous grade-Z flicks before getting religion and producing Fundamentalist Christian Grade Z flicks, such as the insane "If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?" (Seek that out if you can if you are a fan of extreme cinema and think you've seen it all.) You also get producer Joy N. Houck, whose son, Joy N. Houck, Jr., is responsible for such non-favorites as "Night of Bloody Horror" and the deriviative "Women and Bloody Terror."

Then, of course, finally, you have Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan as the mad scientist Doctor Aranya. Whew! What a meeting of the lack of minds! Is this a recommendation to actually WATCH Mesa of Lost Women? Well, you need a certain kind of rugged individualism to stomach it. But I will state with certainty that having watched this film is much better than actually watching it. And if you understand that, then you're way ahead of me, because I think this movie actually made me quite crazy.

One of the best of the so-bad-it's-beautiful movies. MESA OF LOST WOMEN tells the story of a mad scientist (Jackie Coogan with a wart the size of a Roosevelt dime!) who creates beautiful dancing girls out of spiders. (most likely to help out the struggling Rockette industry!) I absolutely loved the scene with the mad doc's victim, a scientist driven insane by a spider-woman encounter. He goes around bars, quoting something close to the Bible, in a silly Elmer Fudd voice.

What I really loved about this movie was Tandra Quinn, as Tarantella, the mad doc's best spider to mucha-cha creation. She's something like a brunette Jayne Mansfield with a little bit of Vampirella thrown in. Ms. Quinn, you made film history with your really strange spider dance.

This is one of the zeniths of bad films. We often hear about movies that are so bad they will make you laugh. This film is just one of those films. It's awful! A doctor has hidden himself away in the interior of Mexico on some huge mesa...way up in the sky that can only be reached by plane. His name is Dr. Aranya(that's spider in Spanish). Jackie Coogan, later to be rolly poly Uncle Fester, plays Dr. Aranya. Coogan looks and acts like a madman with his huge black mole and his incessant barking of orders. His performance is achingly bad. But soon he is supported by a horde of very bad performers. It seems that Dr. Aranya makes spiders into humans. The serum he uses only works well on girls and many of his female tarantulas turn into scantily clad females with big bosoms while the male spiders turn into hunchbacked, ugly midgets. Hmmm. Anyway, Aranya has a quarrel with a fellow doctor who has been hypnotized somehow, placed in a mental institution, and later found in a bar where he takes a group of five people with him in a plane that suspiciously lands on the mesa of the lost women. The actors start to die and we see midgets(one of which is famed Angelo Rossitto!) and more scantily clad women(one of which is Delores Fuller no less!) jump in and out of the light of the fire or a flashlight. The acting is just sooo bad and will have you laughing in no time. Harmon Steven plays Dr. Masterson, the fella who is hypnotized. He has an expression on his face that looks so corny and his dialogue made me wince with glee. The film ends as it begins with the two survivors telling the tale of how they escaped. The plot is like a bad serial from the forties. Easily the most annoying aspect of the film is the musical score of a guitar that plays almost throughout the whole film. It is repetitive and loud. I actually had trouble hearing what the characters were saying because that music would not stop. It had my hairs(what few I have left)on edge! The film even has a narration by Lyle Talbot of Ed Wood fame in the beginning. This is one of the most fun bad films I have ever seen. The acting, the direction, the script had me rolling with laughter. I don't know if anyone else caught it, but the name of the mental hospital was Muerto Hospital...Death Hospital. One major plus performance-wise is the sight of Tandra Quinn. She is breathtaking as she does her spider dance and exudes sex appeal. If you want to watch a real, real bad movie that will make you laugh...watch Mesa of the Lost Women. For my money it tops even Plan Nine From Outer Space as a truly inept in every fiber of its being film.

I guess this one must be an acquired taste (judging by the other reviews). Of COURSE it's awful - that's what makes this 1953 film so good! Tandra Quinn's eerie and erotic 'Tarantula Dance' in the cantina scene alone is worth the price of admission. The voice-over narration is also great, not to mention such trenchant dialogue as "And they threw her down, and her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and he trod her underfoot"! If you enjoy the cinematic misfires of Edward D. Wood ('Plan 9 From Outer Space', etc.), you'll love this one! (trivia tidbit: Ed Wood's 'Jail Bait' uses the same soundtrack/score)

I saw this movie TWICE within the same week. Yes I did, believe it or not, but I do not ordinarily subject myself to such pure torture, but the main reason was (other than sharing my find with a close friend) - I wanted to count the number of times that the exact same chord sequence and jangling flamenco guitar riff repeated (plus, I kept expecting a villain to appear from behind the bat-wing doors of an old western tavern). I confess that I gave up and threw my notebook at the screen after only about ten minutes in. Yet I continued to watch it again, slowly tugging at my hair, whilst my friend stared at the screen with his mouth open during the amazingly weird voice-overs that may have found a place in a commercial for men's cheap cologne...

Okay, it isn't a movie solely about an infinite flamenco guitar motif as it also has someone banging a key or two on the piano here and there at inopportune moments throughout... I confess that I still heard parts of the soundtrack in my head about three days after I last saw this, so be careful if you value your sanity.

Anyway, it's about a mad doctor who seemingly doesn't even know the difference between spiders and insects, which is no surprise, really. His experiments, other that making giant mutant spiders that are shy and need to hide behind a folding dressing screen, is producing beautiful strong women, and very short ugly men. Why the women turn out beautiful instead of more spider-like (unlike what is implied) is anyone's guess.

I would guess that the dance of Tarantella is supposed to be somewhat erotic and I guess it is, in a way, and probably the only thing worth watching other than laughing yourself sick at Masterson's gleeful stare whilst pretending to be quite mad. (I assume he was just pretending, anyway.)

Seriously, if you want to hear an endless flamenco guitar motif that deeply embeds itself in your brain forever and ever, this is the one to watch!

1/10.