- Ferdie: Look, from now on, keep one eye on that candle, another eye on that one, and with the other eye watch me!
- Driver: [Ferdie parks his car disasterously] That man should have his license taken away.
- Chuck: I'll see that he does as soon as he gets one.
- Ferdie: [looking at an old house with no paint] What did I tell you, Chuck? Anyplace painted dark brown, I never liked it.
- Norma Lind: Somebody's trying to scare us out of this house.
- Dr. Duncan 'Doc' Jackson: Hey, what happened to those two detectives?
- Camille: Maybe they're
- [makes throat cutting noise]
- Dr. Duncan 'Doc' Jackson: He's been strangled.
- Ferdie: Hey Chuck. Is that serious?
- Chuck: Why, the man's dead.
- Ferdie: Oh, that's serious.
- Ferdie: [to Camille] With one eye, watch that candle, with the other eye watch the other candle, and with the other eye, watch me.
- [Chuck and Ferdie are shown descending a flight of stairs after being informed that they have obtained Moose Matson's inheritance]
- Ferdie: Hey, Chuck, we don't want no roadhouse. Anything you get for nothin' is no good. Let's go back to the gas station.
- Chuck: [annoyed] Now, that's fine. Just when you get an opportunity to advance yourself, a chance to become somebody, you want to be a gas station attendant!
- [while being chased by two policemen, Ferdie and Chuck are in the back seat of Moose Matson's car]
- Ferdie: I want to get out of here! I want to go back to the gas station! I wanna...
- Moose Matson: [points a gun] What is it you want?
- Ferdie: [sheepishly] I want my mamma...
- Moose Matson: Get over here and drive.
- [Moose Matson has just been shot, and is laying in the backseat of his car, mortally wounded]
- Ferdie: It's awful quiet. Ain't it?
- Moose Matson: [weakly] Pull over some place, will ya?
- [Moose Matson is mortally wounded. Ferdie and Chuck watch as he reaches into the pocket of his coat]
- Moose Matson: [weakly] Lefty... get a doctor... will ya?
- Chuck: Lefty? Who is Lefty?
- Ferdie: I don't know.
- Chuck: Lefty isn't here.
- [Matson reaches into the pocket of his coat and pulls out a piece of paper. He looks at it for a few seconds before he succumbs to his gunshot wound]
- [Ferdie has just tossed one of Chuck's suitcases onto a bus that's heading south. He looks rather panicked.]
- Ferdie: Hey! Which way are you going?
- Harry Hoskins: Why, north of course.
- Ferdie: You're going north? Don't you wish you were going south?
- Chuck: Why?
- Ferdie: That's the way your bag went.
- [the day after being fired from their job at a nightclub. Chuck and Ferdie can be seen at a gas station. Both are sitting down. Chuck looks upset while Ferdie looks apologetic.]
- Ferdie: I'm sorry we was thrown out of that place.
- Chuck: [forlornly] Ah, keep quiet.
- Ferdie: I apologize.
- Chuck: [annoyed] Never mind.
- [At the gas station, Ferdie can be seen pulling a balloon out of one of his pockets and putting in on a air pumper. As this is going on, Chuck can be seen writing something on a blackboard]
- Ferdie: Hey, Chuck!
- Chuck: Oh, don't bother me Ferdie, I'm busy.
- [Chuck continues writing until he notices Ferdie's balloons]
- Chuck: And stop playing with those balloons!
- Ferdie: I'm only trying to blow them up.
- Chuck: Put those balloons away!
- Ferdie: [Puts the balloon in his pocket and stands up] Okay.
- Chuck: Come on, get on the job, we're busy. What's the matter with you?
- [at the gas station, Ferdie can be seen playing with a squirt bottle of oil. As he's doing this, Chuck can be seen looking displeased]
- Chuck: Will you give me that?
- Ferdie: You want it?
- Chuck: Yes!
- [Ferdie squirts Chuck in the face, covering it with oil]
- Chuck: [upset] Now look what you did!
- Ferdie: [innocently] I'm sorry, Chuck.
- Chuck: [sarcastically] You're sorry!
- [Chuck slaps Ferdie across the face, getting oil on the left side of it]
- Ferdie: Look what you did to me now!
- Chuck: Get to work!
- Ferdie: Now we're a couple of shadows. Okay, I'll get to work.
- Chuck: [wiping his face] You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
- Ferdie: I am, Chuck. But I'm gonna make you proud of me one of these fine days.
- Chuck: What do you mean?
- Ferdie: I'm not gonna be a gas attendant all my life. I'm gonna have a nightclub of my own. Someday, I'm gonna have Ted Lewis and The Andrews Sisters work for me.
- Chuck: [irate] You own a nightclub!
- Ferdie: Don't look now, but your eye is dripping.
- Chuck: Quiet! You just had us thrown out of one!
- Ferdie: [innocently] Well, I'm sorry.
- Chuck: And if you don't get on the job, they'll have to throw us out of here!
- Ferdie: Okay.
- [Ferdie sits down while Chuck walks over to a sign and begins writing something]
- Ferdie: All right, Chuck, I'll work hard, but I don't intend to be a gas station attendant all my life.
- [at the night club, Ferdie can be seen speaking with a patron who fell on the floor after the former pulled his chair]
- Night Club Patron Who Falls: [irate] Why did you pull that chair for?
- Ferdie: [innocently] Three dollars.
- Night Club Patron Who Falls: I'll report you for this!
- Ferdie: Tell it to the manager.
- Night Club Patron Who Falls: Why, I ought to punch you in the nose!
- Ferdie: If you don't, somebody else will.
- [Ferdie whistles as the patron gives up and just looks at him exhaustedly]
- [Ferdie can be seen cleaning out the back of Moose Matson's car while the latter is in the driver's seat]
- Ferdie: You want some oil?
- Moose Matson: I don't want any tires, or dishes, or flash spray, or grease. And most of all, I don't want oil!
- Ferdie: Well, in case you want some, we got it.
- [Matson raises his hand as if he's going to backhand Ferdie. However, Ferdie cowers before proceeding to begin cleaning the car]
- [at the gas station, Chuck can be seen getting ready to fill up Moose Matson's car while the latter watches. Matson appears to be in a hurry]
- Moose Matson: Quit stalling around, get the gas in there, will you?
- Chuck: All right.
- [Chuck and Ferdie can be seen with Bannister in the latter's office. Bannister has a piece of paper with him, which he reads. It's Moose Matson's will]
- Bannister: I, Sidney Matson, known as Moose Matson, being of sound mind and under no duress, do hereby make this my last will and testament. Whereas anybody who would associate with me in the first place must be a rat, and whereas I can't tell my friends from stoolies, leaches, or chiselers, and whereas it's impossible to foresee who will turn yellow when the going gets tough, therefore I hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to those with my at the final moment, when the coopers dim my lights.
- [Ferdie and Chuck are meeting with Bannister, the latter who has just read Moose Matson's will. Ferdie and Chuck appear intrigued by the fact that they've obtained Matson's inheritence]
- Chuck: [looks at Ferdie] That's us.
- Ferdie: Yeah.
- [Ferdie looks at Bannister]
- Ferdie: You mean we get his money?
- Bannister: Well, there is none, as far we we know. Moose Matson always said that he kept his money in his head. We never learned what he meant. Now, the only tangible asset bequeathed you is a tavern on what used to be highway 129.
- [Bannister shows Chuck and Ferdie a map]
- Chuck: [looks a Ferdie] A tavern? That's a hotel.
- Ferdie: Yeah.
- Chuck: Now, that's funny. One minute, you work in a gas station, the next minute you own a hotel.
- Ferdie: Next minute, you're back in the gas station.
- [Ferdie and Chuck can be seen speaking with Bannister in the latter's office. Bannister can be seen turning on his intercom and speaking into it]
- Bannister: Send Mr. Smith in.
- [Bannister turns off his intercom before looking at Ferdie and Chuck again]
- Bannister: I've taken the liberty of asking my associate, Mr. Smith, to accompany you to your property and officially turn over the keys.
- Chuck: Sure it won't be too much bother.
- Bannister: Oh, no bother at all. Just one of the conveniences we supply.
- [In Bannister's office, Chuck and Ferdie can be seen speaking with the former. Seconds later, a door opens and someone enters. This is Charlie Smith. Upon noticing him, Ferdie and Chuck stand up and shake hands with him]
- Bannister: Hello, Charlie. Meet Mr. Murray and Mr. Jones.
- Charlie Smith: [smiles] Mr. Murray, and Mr. Jones.
- Ferdie: Hello.
- Bannister: These are the beneficiaries of the Matson will.
- Charlie Smith: Oh, yes. I know all about them.
- Chuck: Are you sure it won't be too much trouble to take us out there?
- Charlie Smith: Not at all. I'll see that you're well taken care of.
- Ferdie: Oh, thanks.
- Charlie Smith: Now, since your property's off the main highway, we'll have to take a private bus to get there. I'm making all arrangements. Now, you meet me tomorrow morning at 8:00 at Fourth and Elm.
- Chuck: We'll be there.
- Ferdie: Yeah.
- Charlie Smith: Incidentally, the bus is operated by a man named Harry Hoskins. You'll see his name on the car.
- Ferdie: I hope we're not putting you out any.
- Charlie Smith: [smiles and pats Ferdie on the back] Not at all. It's going to be a pleasure to take you boys for a ride. I'll see you tomorrow.
- [Charlie Smith turns and exits before Ferdie and Chuck look at Bannister again and smile]
- Ferdie: He's gonna take us for a ride!
- [Ferdie can be seen standing next to the cash register that at the club that he and Chuck have opened. He is also talking to a waiter, who is in fact, the Maitre d' who had previously fired them]
- Ferdie: You got to me neat around here, or I'll have to throw you out!
- Maitre d': Throw who out?
- Ferdie: I'll throw you out. Don't you think I can do it?
- Maitre d': [emphatically] No!
- Ferdie: [softly] I don't think I can either.
- [at the club, Ferdie and Chuck are preparing to eat a duck. Ferdie attempts to pull the duck's legs off, but in the process, it accidentally hits the Maitre d', who just happens to be walking past their table. Ferdie and Chuck both panic]
- Chuck: The boss!
- Ferdie: The boss!
- Maitre d': You're both fired!
- Ferdie: Back to our old job at the gas station!
- [Ferdie and Chuck both get up and hurry off as the Maitre d' begins to follow them]
- Maitre d': Get out!
- [at the gas station, Ferdie and Chuck can be seen speaking with Moose Matson, who wants his car serviced in a hurry]
- Ferdie: You want some oil?
- Moose Matson: No!
- Ferdie: What's the matter, are you a tough guy?
- Moose Matson: [emphatically] Yeah!
- Ferdie: All right.
- Chuck: You're wasting the man's time. Clean up the back of the car.
- Ferdie: Okay.
- [Chuck and Ferdie can be seen being tossed around in the back of Moose Matson's car, as they happened to be inside when Matson sped off to escape some policemen who are chasing him]
- Chuck: Hey, what's the big idea?
- [while being chased by police, Moose Matson has ordered Ferdie to drive. As he climbs into the backseat, Matson looks at Chuck]
- Moose Matson: Come on.
- [Matson looks directly at Chuck]
- Moose Matson: Hey, you. Get up there and help him. Go on.
- Chuck: Oh yeah, all right.
- Moose Matson: Make it snappy.
- Chuck: Yes, sir.
- [Chuck climbs into the front seat and sits next to Ferdie]
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