- Customer: What's the dog doing, there?
- Cornelius O'Hare: Oh, it's a very funny thing. The other day a man was in here and I was shaving him. The razor skipped, and I cut his ear off. Ever since then, he's been hanging around here for a...
- [shoos dog]
- Cornelius O'Hare: G'way, g'way, g'way!
- Ronald: Do you know why a load of hay is like a mouse?
- Cornelius O'Hare: No, Ronald, I do not. I've never noticed a similarity between a small rodent and a large amount of horse's provender. Why does a small rodent resemble a load of hay?
- Ronald: Cause cat'll eat it!
- [Laughing]
- Cornelius O'Hare: Cat'll eat it. Cattle eat it.
- [Recognizing the pun]
- Cornelius O'Hare: Very good, Ronald, very...
- [Aware of his wife's disapproval]
- Cornelius O'Hare: Eat your spinach, eat your spinach, eat your spinach!
- Cornelius O'Hare: Haircut or shave?
- Mr. Flood: [laconically] Yeah.
- Cornelius O'Hare: I beg your pardon, isn't your name Flugg?
- Mr. Flood: Yeah.
- Cornelius O'Hare: I thought so. I didn't recognize your face when you first came in.
- Mr. Flood: [deadpan] No, it's all healed up since I was in here last.
- Cornelius O'Hare: I used to be a detective once.
- Hortense: Really, Mr. O'Hair?
- Cornelius O'Hare: Yes, yes.
- Hortense: You seem to have been everything!
- Cornelius O'Hare: Well, I guess I was. My wife calls me everything.
- Mrs. O'Hare: [from an upstairs window] Cornelius!
- Cornelius O'Hare: Yes, yes, my will-o-the-wisp?
- Cornelius O'Hare: [shaving a customer] Is that a mole?
- Mr. Flood: [nostalgically] Yeah, I've had it all my life.
- Cornelius O'Hare: [after some shrill scraping sounds] Won't have it anymore!
- Cornelius O'Hare: [after the unconscious bank robber has landed on him] Let me up! Let me up! Let me up!
- [desperately]
- Cornelius O'Hare: I didn't try to get ya! I like bandits! Some of my best friends are bandits! The president of the bank comes up to our house!